Marriage/dating issues

I love love. No shocker there if you talk to me for like an hour I talk about guys and plans for marriage. Since I was little I had always been so excited to find my other half. Being in love with someone who is crazy about you and can look past your flaws and helps you to he a better person. Being with someone who really does complete you. Some may say I could be slightly obsessed with getting married, and soon. 
I feel pressured to be married as soon as possible. As much as I would love that I know its not going to happen. While I was pregnant with Nixxon I went to counseling at LDS family services to help me cope with the soon to be challenges of being a single young mother. I loved my sessions. My counseler was also pregnant. She was married and already had one kid but still we were like two weeka apart and could talk about the pregnancy stuff since we were so close. During my session we had discussed my fear of not finding an awesome guy who not only loves me but also loves Nixxon as his own. We talkes about what it takes for that special bond to happen between them. The things I remember was that first off girls who were not married to their child's father stayed married and were in a happy relationship. Obviously I had this one down no way ever will Nixxons birth dad and I be in a relationship like that. They were also out of high school or older than 18 when they had their kid. Check and check for that one. The one that freaked me out and still does is that the successful young moms were married by the time their kid was the age of 2. Seemed possible at the time since I was talking to guys who seemed semi interested in me and it was over two years away. Well now that guy is long gone, and well Nixxon will have her second birthday here in a few months. Its obviously not going to happen in that amount of time. Well without a large amount of bribery and probably some odd guy who  would be okay being paid to be my hubster. Haha no need to worry I'm not that crazy.
I am pretty sure that even if I get married when Nixxon is 4 or 5 or even 16 she will be okay with who I marry. The older she gets I'm sure there will be more of a struggle to make a great father daughter bond. It can happen it might just take a little longer.

If I could just meet my future husband next and never date again I would be okay with that. I really don't love dating. Its so hard when I am at school and at work and just want to be mom and be with Nix and not stress about babysitters. It would be nice to just come home and have a family. I'm past the going out and having fun all the time part of my life. I've started a family I've settled down. I just wish there was someone there to complete the circle.
Whenever I say I'm ready to get married I always get told "Oh don't worry about that yet. You have your sweet little girl with you that is all you need." I really have a strong desire to slap people when they say something like that. I mean would you tell a couple who is trying to have a baby that oh don't worry about that yet. You have your sweet husband or wife with you that's all you need. No you don't. A spouse and a child are still family but also very different. Its like comparing apples and oranges. They are both fruit like they are both family but each is slightly different for you. You have a slightly different relationship with both. One isnt Better than the other and you love each the same. But I can't go to Nixxon with my issues at work and have a conversation about it or when I am stressing over how I am going to stretch a pay check out. I can't talk to her about adult things like that. Our relationship is about playing and learning together.
I love Nixxon with all I've got. I know eventually who is going to love her the same. It was promised to me in my patriarchal blessing. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and a time line set for me.  I have no idea when anything is going to happen but I do know when it does ill be one happy momma.

Chapter 35: My thoughts on Teen Pregnancy statistics

Did you know that over 750, 00 teen pregnancies happen every year? Or that only half of teen moms graduate high school.  Even worse only 2% of those get a college degree by the time they are 30. 79 % of teenagers who become pregnant are unmarried. Utah's teen pregnancy rate is high, as well as Southern teen pregnancy. Out of all teen pregnancies, only 57% end in birth. Another 14% end in miscarriage. . As a teen mom myself I find these facts both interesting and sad.
First of all education is super important. Especially for teen mothers. The best way for your child to have the best future possible is for the mother to get as much education as she can. I know its difficult to finish school while being pregnant and having a daughter. But really its needed.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant I tried to cram in as many classes and credits as I could so I could finish school early. I took a few online classes and almost a full schedule.  It was rough to do with being so sick, doctors appointments and counseling appointments,  and insane drama but I was able to graduate a semester early and get ready to start my life as a mom. I wish girls would do whatever it takes to get their diploma because supporting a family on minimum wage is almost impossible. College on the other hand is kicking my butt. I can see why only 2% get a college education by 30. Right now I am taking 2 classes and its hard.  But I know I won't give up. It might take me until I am 30 to get a degree but I am going to get it.
As an unmarried teenage mom I can easily see why most teenage parents are not married.  As you may hage read with my experiences with Joe, a baby changes EVERYTHING.  A perfect relationship can change in a heartbeat. Most people you date in your teenage years you loose contact with.  Dating is important as a teenager but knowing you probably won't end up with the guys you date is important to keep in mind. Your still immature and so are they.  You both still have a lot of changing a head of you don't settle just yet.
It amazes me that only 57% of teen pregnancies go clear to birth.  Granted miscarriages happen and you can't change that but abortion is a choice. If your a teen and you find out your pregnant that should not be an end to your life and defiantly not the blessing you just created. Even if you don't feel a child is right for you at your age or circumstances there are SO many couples who would take and love that baby in a heartbeat. Adoption is giving a life to someone who can't create it themselves and abortion is destroying a life you created and never let a chance to give life a chance. Yes being pregnant as a teenager is embarrassing and hard and the hardest thibg I've done but its possible rather you keep that blessing or choose to be the blessing to someone who needs it.
Hearing the term `teen mom` seems to be an everyday word any more. Its everywhere. You see many t.v. shows about it read articles about it and for me I live it. I dont think teen pregnancy is the worst thing that can happen to anyone sometimes its the best thing to happen. But it isn't always the easiest. It is something that should be prevented the best that we can. Unfortunately the statistics are against girls like me and our situations. educating teen girls and boys about the struggle of being a teenage parent and the effects it can and will have the rest of their lives could help.  It won't work for everyone and instead of criticism to those who make a mistake and end up as a teen parent should receive support. I couldn't get through life without the support I get. My family is absolutely AMAZING.  They support me by babysitting while I'm at work and school. They also financially support me when I need help to buy the thibgs Nixxon needs. They are there for me emotionally. My college teachers also understand why sometimes my assignments sometimes have some extra color thanks to Nixxon or why I fall behind just a little.  Being a teen parent,  even harder when your going at it alone, that's why those in this crazy situation need a support system.
Teen pregnancy may never completely vanish,  but decreasing the numbers and making those statistics better is going to be best for the most important ones involved. The kids.  They don't have a choice how or when they get here so we should do all we can to make the best of it for them.

Chapter 34: Update on this little family

So life has been a little more than crazy but a little less than insaine the past few month's.  With me starting college and Nix really hitting the toddler stages not to mention still settling in after our move. This summer will surely be remembered.

I made a super rush decision to start college, like a week before the semester started I did my admissions. I found out I was too late to get into a few classes but I was able to get into 2 classes just to get me going. I start my days out with math 0950. My ACT score was nothing impressive so I am starting at the bottom and hopfully going to have 0950 and 0990 done in one semester.  I also needed a fine arts credit so since I have a back ground in dance I decided to take "intro to dance", come to find out its a history and terminology class. So far its not too difficult. I drive almost an hour one way 4 days a week and had to  start getting up at like 5:30 to make it there for my first class. The good thing is I am home by noon so I can still keep my hours at work.

My family has been super awesome to help me. They are helping spot me aome money since tuition drained my bank account, and my financial aid won't kick in for a few more weeks. They also get Nixxon to her baby sitters house for me and pick her up if I have to head straight to work after school. They help to watch Nixxon while I do my homework. They have been super supportive of everything I couldn't be more thankful for them
As for the holy terror I've got. She seems to get cuter and cuter every day and also a little more messy haha. She will get into some distructive moods and tear EVERYTHING she can find,  out of its place. Sometimes she is a helper and helps put it away and clean up. She also is to the dreaded nose picking stage. All I can say is yucky. We are working on quitting that one. Potty training had also started. She hasnt gone yet but sitting on her toilet is really fun to her. She is weird about it though.  She makes me sit on the big toilet or she won't sit down haha. She has learned when I leave in the morning, and gives me a hug and waves goodbye. She also has learned some yoga posses she does with my mom and I. Its adorable. She is really starting to learn new words and trying to say them. I can still see she is super smart for her age. I have truly been blessed with a very special little girl.

As for the sperm donor. I got a text from him like 6 weeks ago just asking how I was. As usual I didn't respond and nothing has really happened since then. Its so nice not to deal with the pathetic drama. He will soon be gone on his mission and I will have an almost normal life again, if there is anything semi close to a normal life when your life is a life with Nixxon.

Chapter 33- this is what I was afraid of.

Lately things with Joe habe been super good. I havnt heard from him, life has been peaceful.
It's been peaceful but stressful.  My family decided to move and within 5 or 6 weeks after putting my home up for sale we sold it and are living in a new house. On top of the stresses of a quick move, my friend Andrea texted me some small talk then just told me that joe had received his mission call. I guess a lot of people knew about it but didn't want to tell me.  He is going to Mexico and leaves in a few months.
When I read her text I was physically sick. I couldn't believe the church would let him go. Plus all the rumors would start flying again. That night I stayed up until 1 am jUst crying and being upset. Nothing is fair with him ever. Ues I know I have the prize of having Nixxon, but I had to give up the one sport I did, dance while he became captain of his teams. I had to graduate school early, while he got to stay. I spent my senior year home with my parents as he became super popular. He gets to serve a mission unworthly and I have repented and there is no way for me to serve. He has a girlfriend who I hear that can't stand him,  and I attract weird guys who I don't want a second date with.
I really struggled with it all that night.
But the next day I was talking to my mom about it and how I didn't understand how the church leaders could let him go, but I realized that unless joe confessed to everything the church can't hold it against him or they are listening to rumors and don't know the truth for sure. Plus even good people make mistakes not even church leaders are perfect.  Also when he leaves I want to be able to post pictures of mu princess on my Facebook again. He won't br able to see her so I think I can do that finally.
I am glad to see him go now. Thats going to be 2 years I have to get Nixxon adopted to someone even better. God knows what he is doing I'm sure his timing is all for a reason.

Chapter 32: why I am still a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

I have had a few questions about how I deal with being a young, single mom in a church where the only things worse than sex before marriage is murder, and adultery.
At the beginning of my pregnancy I was so terrified of how my family would react and how I would deal with it. "When life gets too hard to stand kneel" is all I had left to do.I always read my scriptures and prayed every night, because I was terrified of how everything would turn out. I had faith that when I told my parents that what would happen was because of the Lord and was part of his plan for me. My parents took it extremely well and were willing to support me.
My bishop on the other hand, well he really pushed giving my baby up for adoption the whole pregnancy. I understand why the church asks young moms who will not be married to the babies father to give their child up for adoption. Since a single mom can not be sealed to her child without a father and the parents being married, they want the children in a family where that is possible. I would have considered it but while I was praying about what to do with my child. I finished saying my prayers and started to doze off when I had a dream of me and a little girl and a man walking out of the temple in all white. And the look on our faces was the joy you can't get from anywhere else. That was the moment I knew I would find a guy to adopt Nixxon and be sealed to us for time and all eternity. I also knew I had to do whatever I could to make it possible.
I continued to go my seminary class even after I graduated high school and I only took 2 weeks off to have Nixxon. My seminary teacher is a huge reason I have such a strong testimony of the gospel and why I stayed in the church. He always thanked me for being an example and being early everyday and asked me to answer questions only I could because I was a mom. He reassured me that staying active in the gospel is what I needed to do.
My bishop had at one time almost made me quit the church because he made me feel like I couldn't fully repent unless I married Joe and that was no option. Or unless I gave the baby up. I had been kicked out of young womens which you stay in until you are 18, I was kicked out before I was 18, then I was made the object lesson about sexual purity a lot of the time. Then when it came time for seminary graduation I wasn't able to publicity graduate because he felt he needed to protect the image of the church. I was crushed I wanted to graduate but wasnt going to be able to, but Joe was able to. Then I went to talk to my stake president about it, and tell him I was done with the church. But when I went into his office he thanked me for my courage to raise a baby on my own and I was doing the right thing by keeping Joe out of her life. He made me feel like I was wanted in the church.
The Lord Haas blessed me with trials that make me stronger and does whats best for me. The savior was my best friend when no one else was able to be. He calmed my fears when I was crying hysterically in my room for hours. He helped me make the best decisions for Nixxon. And I know he will continue to.There is no way I can deny the feelings I felt while I was praying and going through the repentance process. I know the gospel is true, no doubt about it. Nothing can take that away from me. I have been too blessed to deny it. Even when church leaders handled my situation a little insensitive, I know the church is always true even If the members arnt.

Chapter 31: My random rant of the night

Today while at work I had a lady sneak behind my counter and I thought she was throwing something away in our garbage can but then she leaned into me and well here is our conversation.
Her: Your really cute and all but your too skinny.
Me:I know im working on it.
Her: Are you eating? Are you taking care of yourself?
Me: yes I eat as much as I can
Her:your just too little
Me:I know I have a gluten allergy that im still trying to find food I can eat.
Her: well you just need to eat.
Me: (Trying to joke) well its all the running I do with that baby of mine.
Her:(realizing she probably had offended me) oh well maybe im just jealous.

It drives me crazy. I do know I'm extremely under weight. On my "fat days" I weigh maybe 90 ibs, and other days im anything under that. Im a 000 pant size to a size 1. I know I do. I wish I was more solid of a woman, I see things how skinny girls are not as pretty they are for boys not men,and they ars gross. Guess what I do take offense to that. Why is it okay to make fun of skinny people and criticise them but if you do the same to a larger person its bullying. I just am frustrated I guess. I just dont understand.

Chapter 30- just one off those nights

Today I'm just super emotional. Nothing bad has happened or anything but I just want to cry. I don't know if it's just because it's "that time off the month" or what but I'm just upset. 
I was a little stressed out with Nixxon today after working a 9 hour shift on my feet the whole time when I got home my brain was exhausted and I just wanted to sleep. But with my hyper active toddler it just was not going.to happen. I have my family here but they didn't need to watch her after they already had all day on top of ripping carpet out of our house. My family watches Nixxon for me all the time so I can work and I hate to make them watch her more than that because she is a handful. And she is my responsibility not theirs.
These are the times I wish my circumstances were a little different and I had a husband who could help out. Not that I want Joe involved now but any day Mr. Right could come along and  step in as her father.
Still I don't know why I'm so emotional I guess I have just felt the urge to vent a little. Being a single parent is stressful and hard, but it is very rewarding and I love my Nixxon more than anything and she makes it all worth it.

My instagram q&a

This question came from becca_jean2
q:Did you get pregnant your first time? Also have you had sex since?
A:No it was not my first time it was my 2nd or 3rd time but with the same guy each time. And no I have not had sex since, and don't plan to until my honeymoon hah.

These next questions came from jellyww
Q: Do you bring Nixxon to church with you or does she go with your family to a family ward?
A: My branch doesn't let me take Nixxon to church so my family takes her to their ward and I go with her once or twice I month even I can miss relive society
Q: how did your date go?
A: it was a great date. He was such a gentle man and didn't make me uncomfortable. He totally earned a 2nd date.
Q: are things better with his family? Town? Him? Does he still text you randomly?
A: things are still the same with him and his family they still have never tried to see Nixxon or anything, which is what I want because Nixxon isn't losing out on anything with that type of family. As for the town I keep slowly hearing of people who support me and its nice to know people are behind me.
Q: what career did you decide on?
A: I am still strongly thinking nurse.

This came from andrositawaslike
Q: if you could would you go back and change anything before becoming a teen mom?
A: I wish I could have went back and did better in school and taken more college classes so I could better support Nixxon more now.

This came from hollyann_and_mason
Q:if you could change your life now would you? If so how?
A: I wish I could change my life some how to help me get into college buy other than that I am loving my life I have been very blessed.
Q: Do you plan on having more kids in the future?
A: yes! I want 5 or 6 kids after I'm married . I have always wanted a big family and I guess I just got a head start on it haha.

These are from Savvnuh
Q: how do you like your calling.
A: I have loved it, it's just hard being Secretary and having to be there every week and I want to be with Nixxon every once in a while but it's nice to feel like I am needed in my branch.
Q: how has the gospel helped you in your life and raising your daughter?
A: the gospel has truly been my rock. I have made many of my decisions based on the teachings. I know I can find a man and be sealed with him one day so that's is why I don't want Nixxons father involved and ruin chances of being sealed. The gospel also gives me hope that everything works out and heavenly father knows what it's best and its always watching out for me.
Q: how did your daughter get her name?
A: I had heard Nixon once and feel in love with it, I had Nixxon, Autrie, and hudson picked out and my family and the nurses all decided she looked like a Nixxon.
And thank you :) your so sweet and the date was great :).

Thank you every one for all the questions! I hope to do another one later because this was fun. I hope I got all of them and answered all of them. You guys are great!

Chapter 29- I cant always win

So yesterday as I was getting ready for church my parents texted me while they were in stake conference and told me that Joe was ordained an Elder which in the LDS church usually means he is going to be called as a missionary when they asked who would sustain him, my friend told me that a few people did not raise their hands. My parents were worried how I took the news so they hurried home to check on me. I was upset but didn't want to think about it at the moment so I went on with my day. I guess later in the day they asked those who would be serving a mission in the next two years to stand up. Guess who freaking stood up. Joe. The church had called me in and asked if I would do a paternity test to see if he was the father so they could decide if he was worthy or not. I told them I could not put my daughter in that situation and they said they would handle it. I guess they decided to believe him and give him a shot. Which for me is good because he is out of my hair for 2 years which is FANTASTIC but at the same time if he goes I can not imagine the rumours that will fly about me lying about everything because parents can not serve missions until their kids are grown, so if they send him I am going to look like a fool, and a liar. And I don't care too much what people think about me but in a small town it is everyone talks about you and stories get twisted and you get judged a little more. It's bittersweet either way. But in the wise words of my grandma, "if they arnt talkin about you, there talking about someone else" so I guess they can keep talking about me and get my name out there a little more.

Chapter 28- Joe is coming home

Joe is going to be done with school here in a few weeks, and I know he will be coming home for the summer. I just know he is going to see her at least once and I'm terrified he is going to see himself in her, because she looks just like him and his family. I know I can't avoid him forever. I have to take my baby out to the big 4th of July carnival and to our city celebration, and the rodeo and all that fun stuff. I wish he would get a job up there and just stay up there. This whole living in fear of him is ridiculous. I hate it. But I will do whatever it takes to keep my baby from him.

Chapter 27- Dear Joe...Take a Hint From One angry momma

Does anyone else hate it when you just get to sleep and VRRRR your phone vibrates? Annoying right? Well this happened to me Saturday night. But I actually woke up to three text messages after hearing the last text vibrate.  The first one was from a friend and no big deal, the last one was a Facebook status, but the second one ughh it was Joe. He sent it at 10:46 p.m. and all it said once again was "hey". So I woke up to the text at like 1 a.m. and had nightmares about Joe or would wake up in panic about rolling over onto my phone and texting him or accidentally calling him or something so I didn't exactly sleep too well.
That next day I was watching General Conference while playing with Nix, and the talk they were giving said something about being parents or something about kids or what not, well like 5 seconds after my phone goes off so I look at it... Its Joe's number. This was a new text this one said "Are you watching conference? :)". I started yelling "What the heck, Oh my gosh, you have got to be kidding me!!!" my mom yelled back "what?" and I said Joe just texted me and I showed her the text and we quickly took pictures of both texts and put it into our book of everything Joe has done.
21 minutes later my phone went off again, and I casually picked it up, looked and yelled again! This last text said "Hey im sorry Myranda. Can we talk when you get some time?" He really doesn't realize I have no want or desire to talk to him. I would love for his next text to say Goodbye Im done you will never hear from me again, or something. This is 24 texts over like the last 6 months that I have not responded to. When will this loser ever take the hint? He makes himself look more pathetic with every responded text he sends. The only way I am going to talk to him is through a Court date. My little girl and I are done with him. We have moved on and are looking for someone better. Its his turn to move on.

Chapter 26- showing up at my doorstep!?!

Ugh when will Joe just knock it off! Today was a special day. We celebrated the little princesses first birthday. At dinner with my family and bet friend, i got a text from Joe saying "what's up?" I told my family then continued to eat. Then my doorbell rang. My table went silent, we were not expecting anyone for a few more hours. I jumped up and looked out my front window to see who it was, I looked and I seen the same shoes that Joe would wear and the same style of pants. I ran into the kitchen and said " it's him, it's Joe." I sent my sisters into my room with the baby. Then he knocked again. I was scared, shaking, livid at this point. Finally I checked and he was gone.
Later that day I another knock came to the door, my dad checked and seen that it was our home teacher, so we answered. As he walked in I just happened to look at his shoes.... They were the ones I had seen earlier. We asked him if he had been over earlier and he said "ya I just wanted to drop off some cookies" ugh I was so embarrassed. We explained how we thought it was her dad so we didn't answer. He laughed and told us how he had heard us before he rang the doorbell but it got silent. He thought he had offended my family haha. So today we are safe :) a little embarrassed, but hey we got cookies :)

Chapter 25- Missing my love <\3

Alrighty so tonight I had the opportunity to go watch my little sister dance at my high schools drill team showcase. Being on drill team was my life when I was on it. That's all I did all I thought about. I was for sure not the best dancer on the team but my love for dance and the sport was. Since I never finished out my senior year of drill team, every time I watch them dance I cry a little. It was so much harder when my friends were on it, but it's still hard now. I teared up with each " YEAH" that was yelled or whispered, each sharp slap during military that sounded so crisp, then each pirouette that was nailed, each al sicone that was beautiful, each extension that never wobbled. It brought back so many memories and ones I loved. I will never loose my love for dance but now i am just a spectator. Dreaming of seeing my baby out there one day, maybe on the same team I was.
There was also a hard thing for me to watch that made me just angry.... Joes girlfriend Rhonda, she was a senior on the team this year, not only that she was dance sterling scholar, team captain, and that's what I wanted my senior year. I was watching her do and have everything I once wanted, I mean she has Joe and he is all I use to want, and to be able to show my love for Dance to my team and school. Oh well, I have everything I didn't really knew that I wanted. I have my baby girl :) she is all I need and she can't take that from me.
I just hope one day I will get to watch My baby dance her heart out like I use to, then maybe she can be captain . But for now I just will wait to sign her up for dance with my old teacher. I can't wait one more year and she will be dancing. :)

Chapter 24- random memories of my pregnancy

So since I am sick, I just can't sleep so I will blog:) for those of you who faithfully read this I wish I could personally thank each one of you! You make it easier to handle life when it is stressful. So thank you!
I have been thinking of how it  was when I was pregnant and I left some out.
Did I write about the one time i was called a whore to my face at school. If I did skip the paragraph if not read it :)
So one day I was showing a lot. And in high school I showed off my belly. I loved it so whatever I didn't care if it was wrong for me to love my teen pregnancy, but I did. I have never been so happy. But anyway I was waddling my way from seminary to my office assistant class, and this little freshman girl who was very well known for messing around with many many guys, especially on church trips. Well she was starring hardcore at me. I thought to myself heck girl I have eyes to let. E stare back...so I did. As we had a stare down she got close enough to me and said softly "whore". I turned to my friends who were having a conversation and didn't even hear it, and said really! I know everyone is calling me that behind my back but really! They didn't care much and continued to talk. Then I found my little sister, and wooo that girls speaks her mind. I told my sister about it and she was livid. She hunted that girl down and gave her a peice of her mind. Later that day the girl came up to me and apollgiezed, she was almost in tears. I said ya its fine, but when she walked away I laughed. She was one scared little puppy after that.
Well my fingers are kind of tired so I'm going to end this post now, keep reading and thanks for reading!

Chapter 23- when will he give it up!?!

This morning Joe texted me! It's been so nice not hearing from him for a few weeks. All the text said was hey.... Does he really think after 21 texts I'm going to just respond. No he needs to knock it off! I want to change my number but my lawyer has advised me not to, so I can document each text and show how he harasses me but yet doesn't show an interest in his daughter. He is a sick man. I just don't understand.
I was going to start posting pictures my baby again until this happened. This whole thing is getting annoying. I am so tempted to get a restraining order. I also wonder if he saw me Sunday at church. I went to his friends missionary farewell, with my friends and I went with a guy so I wonder if he thinks me and this friend are together. I don't really care why he is texting me but it needs to stop ASAP! Joe get a life! Leave me alone, you didn't want me our your daughter in yours, now we do not want you in ours.

Chapter22- when will anyone understand?

Nixxons dad comes from an abusive alcoholic family. Her dad does not really want her. If we were to get a paternity test it wouldn't be because he changed his mind he is a better man. It would be because he is sick of the small town talk and needs to prove he is worthy to go on a mission. Sorry that's not my problem anymore. He won't take responsibility. I'm not going to make him. He does not need us we don't need him. Just because he took the five minutes to create the life doesn't mean he needs to spend five minutes in her life because its not going to ever help her in her life. I want her to have just one real dad who loves her the moments he meets her.one who doesn't need a blood test to be her dad. Sorry my daughter deserves a real man. Not a little boy.

Chapter 21- Staying strong to keep her safe

Having an instagram and Facebook are awesome right? For me it's super hard to have them. I get to see all my friends and family post pictures of their babies. I don't blame them and wouldn't want them to stop, but I can't show off my baby girl and its so hard. I was showing her pics a while back but after Joes mom and I had our fight I took all her pics off. They were stalking my Facebook! How creepy since I had blocked all of them and friends of theirs. I wish I knew if they were still looking me up and how interested they were in my baby. I wish I could show her off because she really is beautiful, smart , and funny. I wish I could show her off and the videos of her walking and saying mama and doing the dishes, but I can't. To anyone who doesn't know my reasons to hiding my baby I probably look like a horrible selfish mother. Ugh when is this roller coaster going to end? I can only hope soon.

Chapter 20- a week of peace

It's been a great week. I have not heard about Joe at all. I hope he is gone for good. I need this peace. I am a little stresses trying to study to take my cna test soon, plan Nixxons first birthday party, do things in my relieve society calling, working 30 hours a week, and just being a mom. I don't need any joe drama on top of this. It also sounds like he won't be coming home this weekend from college because he has a big track meet. Hallelujah! That means no awkward drive bys when I'm on my way to work and he is driving to his girl friends. I just know summer is coming soon and I'm sure he will has to be home for all of it, LOSER. Or maybe  he will be able to go on a mission and I won't see his sorry face for 2 years or until the guilt gets to him.

Chapter 19- My Sacrament meeting talk

I have been asked to speak about Christ and His atonement. I would like to start with this quote I found by President Monson. “We knew that our purpose was to gain a physical body, to overcome trials, and to prove that we would keep the commandments of God. Our Father knew that because of the nature of mortality, we would be tempted, would sin, and would fall short. So that we might have every chance of success, He provided a Savior, who would suffer and die for us.” That was from the Ensign of May 2010. God has a perfect knowledge of everything. He knew when he sent us here that he needed to send his son Jesus Christ to atone for our sins. We know we must try our hardest to be like him, but none of us ever are. We make simple little mistakes every single day, but lucky for us there is a way to make up for our everyday imperfections. The only way this can happen is through Christ and his unimaginable grace and mercy. If we go through the repentance process full heartedly then we can become clean from our sins, big and small. Then the next step is that we must obey the laws and principals of the gospel. God sends us these laws and principals through our prophet, seer and revelator. That is why listening to the prophet is so important. 

 The Atonement and repentance are some of the many things that I have been able to really gain a testimony about over the past year or so. Some of you may know that I have a very adorable little girl named Nixxon. She is 7 months old and the highlight of my life, and I am raising her right now as a single parent. Last year I found out I was going to be a Mom right before my senior year of High school. This news was hard for me, because not only was I going to have a baby but, that I was going to be doing it without her father involved. But I knew I could not blame God, my parents, my friends, the only person I had to blame was myself.  My parents and church leaders had always taught me right from wrong, and what God had expected from all of us. I knew right from wrong but I simply had chosen to ignore what I had been taught and not follow what I knew was right. I knew God had given these laws for reasons to protect us. He was trying to protect me from many trials and tribulations that come with teen pregnancy. I knew I had to take responsibility for my actions. I soon after I started the repentance process. I knew I should study my scriptures everyday. I found one in Luke chapter 15 verse 10, and it says “Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the ^aangels of God over one ^bsinner that repenteth.” This scripture was a comfort to me because I knew that angels were glad that I was repenting and getting back onto the right path. I was also given a quote by a seminary teacher that says “God doesn’t care nearly as much about where  you have been as he does about  where you are  and with his help, where you are willing to go. “ this was found in a talk given by Elder Holland. This quote is very powerful to me still today. I have it hanging on a magnet board in my room to remind me that I may have chosen a different path in life, but I can still get to the same place with the Lords help. I could not have went through my pregnancy with out putting all my faith in Christ. I knew if I kept my faith in the Lord and never gave up trying to make things right, I knew that I could be forgiven  and return to live with my Heavenly Father one day.

Another part of the atonement is that Christ suffered for our pains and afflictions, and overcame physical death so we can be resurrected one day. This part of the atonement is something I am very thankful for. This has been huge for me. I know that Christ has felt everything we feel emotionally and physically. He was able to bare each pain we have for each and every one of us. Being pregnant isn’t only physically painful and uncomfortable but for me was very hard emotionally. Being and expecting mother at 17 is hard enough, but when you are always dealing with rumors, usually feeling lonely because your friends just aren’t there for you anymore, and the hardest part was always feeling judged by so many people. I You never fully understand the struggles and heartache of someone until you walk in there shoes. Christ was able to walk in my shoes and feel all that I had to feel, and I found out how judgmental people can be. I still had to attend half a year of high school until I could graduate. I never would have understand how hard it is to stand out that much in a way that is not so great. During that half a year of school I had to give up my drill team, which was my whole life at the time. I decided to step down off the team because I knew I didn’t deserve to stay on because I had broken a rule on a contract I signed with the team. As soon as I was off the team I had no social life. I had to walk down the halls each day looking like i had a basketball for a stomach. The worst part of it was since I was doing this alone I had many rumors and misconceptions about what was going on with me. Everyday I had someone tell me a new rumor about me that was nothing near the truth. This was something that was very hard on me, but I never let myself feel bad for myself because I knew Christ had suffered these same pains. He knew what it was like to be talked about, abandoned, and judged. I always knew that He would never speak harshly of me, he would always be by my side when I was at my lowest point, and he knew the thoughts of my heart and was never quick to judge me. He was always there to help. Because of this experience I was able to first handed learn about Christ’s atonement and why he went through it for us. I know that no matter our situations, Christ is always going to be willing and able to help us out. He does it for every single person simply because he has so much love for us. I am so thankful for the many trials and tribulations I have had to face so I can have a better understanding of the atonement, and why Christ suffered for our pains and sins. I know Christ has a love for me and for everyone so he was able to suffer and atone for our sins. I am so thankful for Christ’s sacrifices for me and for everything he did and still continues to do for me.

Chapter 18-Being a single teen mom in a very LDS community

Being that I am LDS (Mormon) and living in Utah being a single teenage mom is a little bit harder. One of the worst sins you can commit is sex before marriage, being that this is something I did I was judged pretty harshly by those in my  community. I understand why I was. It only makes it worst that Nixxons father is not someone I claim, and he claims he is a virgin. Most people assumes I don't really know who it is, because I "slept with so many guys" ( which I did not I have only ever slept with Joe), or that I am trying to protect him so I dont name him. Well they are wrong. I know exactly who it is, I know exactly when I became pregnant, I am simply protecting her from a household that does not share the same values as what I want in my household. Also if her dad is legally involved in here life it makes it extremely hard for me to be sealed in the temple to her after I am married to a guy who actually wants to be her dad. If I could not be sealed to her it would absolutely break my heart because this is something I really have a testimony of.
Something else I really have a testimony of is that the Lord sends us trials to make us better people, and to humble us. Even though I was making wrong choices and was starting to head down a wrong path, becoming pregnant really changed my life for the better. My mom noticed theses changes that I was making and prayed that something would change me. It was kind of a backwards alma the younger thing (Mosiah 27, 28:1–9 and Alma 36:11–24.) Who knew pregnancy probably saved my life.
Around my junior year I was extremely depressed. I had a cutting, self harm and a small eating disorder problem few to none knew about. I would carve the words such as whore, slut, worthless, etc into my hips. If I was upset I could go with out eating for a day or two which got my down to 78 pounds at one time. But after finding out I was pregnant my life immediately changed I knew I had to be healthy to carry a baby full term and I could not let depression get the best of me.
I actually was asked in my branch to give a talk on Christ and the Atonement and I have the feeling I need to post it. It really is my testimony of how Christ helped me through one of my most difficult times of my life. As soon as Nixxon wakes up from her nap I will go get it and post it.