Happy 2nd Birthday Nixxon!

It was such a bitter sweet day on March 25. Court is never fun, even if you leave with a victory, it is even worse when it is your little girls birthday.  Even though I spent a good portion of her birthday fighting for what was best for her we still were able to enjoy the princesses birthday.
When we got home from court a majority of my family came over to my house to celebrate for a minute.  Not an hour after we had been home we noticed two people on my porch.  We could see them through the window. We couldn't make out exactly who it was but we knew. It was Joe for sure. As soon as we noticed them we all hushed for a minute.  They never nocked on the door or anything. Just put things on my porch and walked away. As I seen them walking away I decided to go look out my sister's room window to see who was with him. It was one of his sister's.  They got in her car and drove away.
Once we knew they were gone we walked out to see what was on the porch. There was a lot of gifts there but the one that stood out was a freaking bicycle. It was one that has the training wheels on it. There is no way she was even close to being big enough for that yet. I don't know why it did but seeing him get her a bike made me so mad. I text my lawyer to tell him what had just happened and what I should do with all of it. He told me first off how kind of him it was to be such a "Disneyland dad" being totally sarcastic.  Then he told me to just leave it on the porch for a few hours and maybe the would see it Still there and take it back.
So thats what I did.  It sat there. I did not want him to ruin this day for any of us. This day was about Nixxon and celebrating how glad we were that she had been blessing all of our lives for two whole years now.
I decided to take my sister's, parents, and my grandma and her husband up to a nickel arcade.  I thought it would be kinda fun for Nixxon. We headed up north and stopped at Costa Vida since they have  gluten free food for my mom to eat. Poor Nixxon was so tired by then she didn't get a nap all day because of all the craziness.  By the time we got to the arcade she was not sure what was going on.
It took her a while to kinda catch on to what was going on. But she found one game that she LOVED.  It was a game that you spray the water and aim it at a target and if you hit the target then you win. This one was firefighter themed so obviously she went crazy for it.  She kept asking her "Bapa" (grandpa) who is a firefighter to play it with her. She could have played that game all night long. It was her favorite. 
We eventually ran out of nickels and it was getting late so we got some prizes with the tickets we had won and left.
When we got home I was kinda surprised that not only did Joe's gifts stay there, more had been added to the pile. We decided just to put them in the garage until my lawyer decided exactly what we should do with them.  I didnt really go through them. I peaked but most were just clothes. I didnt let Nixxon see them as we moved them into the garage.
It was a good ending to a great day. Nixx had a fun time and she deserved a fun day! Nixxons 2nd birthday was a success for sure. Now it was time to get ready for her party in a few days.

The Big Day

Finally March 25 rolled around. I was waking up extremely early to make sure I looked good and also Nixxon looked adorable because ha court was scheduled on her 2nd birthday.  I was pretty upset that I was not going to be able to spend all day with her on a special day, but I was going to be in court fighting for her.
I had lined up one of her friends mom to watch her for me while we went. I had asked my family to come to court with me. Including my aunts, uncles, grandmas, and cousins. My lawyer said it might show the judge that Nixxon has the support of a lot of family so we asked if they would come sit on my side of the court room.
It was so hard to drop Nixxon off not knowing what was going to happen in that court room.  My lawyer gave me some Ideas of what was going to happen.  Since this was Joe's court date( which I had actually filed a case against him to terminate his rights a few weeks before he has filed for temporary parent time) anyway my lawyer said that either they would start him off with a little supervised parent time or they would deny him that until my case was settled. Or the judge would go ahead and hear my case while we were there since he was the same judge assigned to us for my case, it was just In Juvenile court.  so it could have went a few ways.
So I dropped my little birthday girl off at her friends and told them it wouldn't be more than an hour, kissed her goodbye and headed back to my car.  My family drove together to the courthouse.  They asked me to say a prayer as we drove. I can't remember exactly how my prayer went but I know I asked that His will would be done.

When we pulled up we didn't recognize any bcause as cars so we sat in the car until we seen that my lawyer showed up. Suddenly a car comes flying in the parking lot and jumps a curb. A small lady got out and ran inside.  We all kind of laughed at her, well turns out it was Joe's lawyer.

Then Joe and his sister pulled up and walked in. So my family got out of the car.  Suddenly a majority of my family as in aunt's and uncles walked over to us. They all gave me words of encouragement and told me they would do anything to help out Nixxon and I. Most were taking time off work to come.  It ment so much to me.

Finally my lawyer showed up. He was impressed with how many people I rounded up to watch.  He walked us inside, we went through security and he told most of my family to head into the court room. My parents and I needed to go over some things before we went into the courtroom. Awkwardly this court house only had 1 room for clients/lawyers to meet in so we were shoved into an unfinished office because Joe had gotten to the to room first.  My lawyer just reminded my parents and I that if it didn't go our way in the courtroom not to act any different and if it went very well not to dance in the inzone. He gave me a little pep talk and told me everything was going to be okay. 

As we made our way to the court room,  Joe also made his way out of their meeting room. He opened the door for the courtroom and let his party in then held it open for my group. seriously?  He held the door open for me which was nice but I was going into that room trying to prove I was capable of raising my daughter on my own and I was perfect capable of holding my own door open. The urge to slap his head with that door was a very big urge.  Lucky for him it was a court room and there was a lot of cops around and I am sure it wouldn't have went over too well with all of them. So I simply walked through the door.

My family took up pretty much one whole side of the court room. Joe had. Few family members there but the support of my extended family stood out. After we all stood for the judge and he got going he even asked if they were all present for one case and ha we were. It ment so much that my family was there for me because going in front of a judge for anything is really nerve racking.

We had to listen to a couple of cases before ours started. Before I knew it our last names were called and my lawyers was headed to the table in front of the judge. He showed me where to sit and told me to not act nervous.  Which is extremely hard by the way if you cant imagine. 

Joe's lawyer started to present the case. I dont know half of what was said because it was like legal terms, and codes and laws. So I just sat there and tried not to fidget, look confident, yet humble. 

The judge started to talk about how he felt that Joes lawyer had filed their petition in the wrong court. This petition should have been filed in Juvenile court not district court. Joe's lawyer did not believe that was true so the judge gave us a few minutes to go discuss it and let the lawyers talk.

My lawyer took us out into the parking lot. He told my parents and I that he felt pretty confident about today. The only problem was that he found out that Joe's lawyers husband, and the judge were good friends so he was going going easy on her. So we just needed to stick to our guns. Then he decided it was time to go back in.

Once again we needed to wait for a few more cases to be heard. Some were criminal cases and those were kind of interesting to hear. I was teasing my lawyer that this was only scheduled to be a two minute things but here we still were an hour later. He laughed and said that he didn't have a clue it would be this long.

After a few more cases the judge was ready to hear ours again. I nervously yet confidently walked back up to the table and said a silent prayer for peace and confidence.  Joe's lawyer started to pretty much just say the same things. So once again he wanted to let the lawyers talk about it again so we left the table and I sat with my family while our lawyers went out and talked. I was really nervous at this point. The judge was giving her another chance to prove she filed in the right court. And what was she now telling my lawyer?

My lawyer came back into the court room and asked my parents and I to come with him. We got up and walked clear across the street into another building to make sure we had privacy to discuss things. He said that Joe's lawyer had just told him that Joe was now claiming that my parents and family had been going behind my back and telling him how he was not the father and he should stay away from me and such. We all just laughed about it. We all knew that was a lie and was twisting words way too much. He also told us about how we were still doing pretty good and he was confident about today. We talked about the next court date we had scheduled and how my family could not make it so we needed to reschedule it. This gave me hope that today would go well and my case would really be heard before Joe's was since I filed first. After about a half hour of talking we decided to head back.

Same thing we had to wait for a few more cases then the judge called for us.  Once again as I walked up there I prayed again.  I looked over at Joe to see him chomping down on his gum and being fidgety and bouncing his legs.  I was glad I didn't look like that.  Almost made me giggle a little. 

Once again the same arguments were being made. Finally my lawyer had a chance to speak.  He talked about how we already have a case pending in district court but Our date had been moved back by the other party so it hasn't had time to be determined yet.  Also how deciding to let Joe have temporary parent time could be harmful to Nixxon if the district court decided to terminate Joe's rights.

The judge agreed he also felt that we should just pretty much combine our cases together and make one case. My lawyer agreed.  Then we were dismissed!

I practically had just won! I knew I still had more battles to fight here soon but that was  one victory for me! Joe was not going to get temporary parent time just yet and that was good for us.

We were able to leave and go pick up Nixxon. I felt bad for being away so long on her birthday.  It was only scheduled for 2 minutes but instead we were there for over 3 hours. I was glad to be out of the courthouse and headed home to celebrate my baby turning two!

Finally a court date

Our court date had been moved around a few times by the time we finally got one. March 25 was the day we were set to make our first appearance in court. 
In order to try and have Joe decide to just terminate his parental rights on his own we had some work to do. My lawyer asked me to contact as many friends/colleagues/classmates who had heard Joe say that he was not Nixxons father.  Joe had told so many people that. Now I needed to ask each person that I could if they would do me a HUGE favor and sign an affidavit saying that they heard Joe deny Nixxon as his child.
It was not an easy thing to ask of someone you hadnt talked to for a couple of years and most you really never talked to but were asking a big legal favor.
One friend said he couldn't because he was too good of friends with Joe and I and couldn't get in the middle of it.  Then there were other who told me they heard Joe deny it but when I brought up the affidavit they suddenly changed their story that they never actually heard it with their own ears. Then there was great people who understood this was not about me or Joe, but just being honest of what really happened.  It was simple. Of course getting involved in a legal situation is never something that you want to do but I needed their help.
I also needed to gather all of my documents of everything.  All my receips I had saved since Nixxon was born, all my texts from Joe. Luckily I had been documenting everything since the day my parents and I realized that things were going south and I was still pregnant. 
I think I got all together about 7 affidavits even though I had asked about 20 people.  And couldn't ask so many others because they were on missions in another country or I could not find them. I got 2 from ex girlfriends of his which both said that he denied even sleeping with me. 1 from my bishop who had been at my house when Joe came to talk to my parents once and he lied to
My bishop and said there was no way it could be his child. Then I got a few from people around town and a few from my frinds who heard him say it.
In the midst of all of this Joe was texting me at least once a day asking random things.  He once told me we should take Nixxon fishing one day. Then the most comical one was when he text me and asked if Nixxon was excited to turn three. I was amazed he had her birthday right but was off by a year. She was only just about to turn two. He even spelled out three so it wasnt even that he hit the wrong key on the key bored. Thats pretty sad when you don't even know how old your daughter is going to be. That right there showed that he wasn't too worthy of being involved.
Getting ready for court was a pain but I sure hoped I had enough against Joe that the judge would side with me.
I had a few days until I knew what was going to happen.

The first test I KNEW the answer to. And such a Happy Happy Birthday

After my whole rock bottom I knew I had to take this trial and rock it and not let it rock me. I knew it was going to be tough but I needed to bw strong. 
One day I was meeting with one of my high school friends when my lawyers assistant called me. She asked if I had that next Friday off and I was like ya and she went on to tell me that it was good because we had a paternity test scheduled. 
I was like okay whatever I knew that was coming.  But then I went to tell my parents when it was scheduled. ...that Friday was February 14....my 20th birthday.  Once I realized that I was kinda upset. I cant say I had any huge plans but I surely did not want to spend any part of my birthday around Joe at all. Unfortunately I had no choice. 
Time flew by and after a few days I found myself in the passenger side of my dads car as we headed about a half hour away to go to the paternity test. My dad was coming along to not only help me find the building but to make sure If Joe was there that nothing happened. 
That morning Joe had text me to tell me Happy Birthday.  It was nice of him but I was so mad at him for scheduling this appointment on my birthday. Made my day even worse.
The weather fit my mood. It was a gloomy February day. Cloudy and snowing just a little bit.
We past the building where I use to go to LDD family for counselling when I was pregnant with Nixxon. I thought back to when I was doing counselling and how I use to think nothing like this would be happening for many many years. Oh was I wrong.
We pulled into the parking lot of the address I was given. We drove through the parking lot to see if we could see any sign of Joe because we were not told if he would be there also.  Not too long after sitting there a car pulled into the parking lot.  Joe and his sister Leah got out with a gift bag of some type.
I sorta lost it. I really did not think it was smart for us to be in the same building at all. We had constantly been arguing the last few weeks. I was practically yelling about how stupid this was and unfair.  Joe had not seen Nixxon with his own eyes yet and he was not about to today. My dad told me to calm down a little bit he wasn't going to let that happen.   He then drove us about a block away and then told me to stay in the car and he would go check us in and tell the people that I would be in as soon as Joe left as a safety precaution. 
Soon my dad called me and said Joe was back doing the cheek swab right now and to stay in the car until he called back. A few more minutes went by and my dad called to say he was on his way back. He told me to still wait for him. When my dad finally got back he said that Joe had spotted him in the lobby amd walked over and asked if my dad would give me the gift bag. My dad kindly told them he did not feel that was a smart idea and he would not take it. So Joe and Leah both walked out. Got in the car.  And left.
As we sat in the Lobby waiting to be called in I was anxious.  I couldnt hold still.  Neither could Nixxon but that is pretty common for an almost 2 year old.
Soon the nurse or what ever she is called for me. We went back and sat down. She then asked "so which one of you is NixxIon(Nixxyieon)?" I couldn't help but think Nixxion? What on earth she is not french their is no I  after the xxs. 
I was nice when I said "uhm she is Nixxon." Then I had to give them permission to change the paper work to change the spelling of Nixxons name. I couldnt believe he couldn't even spell her name correctly when it was in his phone from my texts. 
So they stabbed her cheeks which honestly swabbing a toddlers cheek is not an easy task. But Nixxy got a sucker after so she was glad. Then the nurse pulled out a camera and took our picture.  It was a Polaroid so it spit the picture out after it took it. She gave us one and taped the other on to out papers.  She then took Nixxons social security card and copied it then told us we were done. I was confused I was sure I needed to have my dna to be tested against her to prove that I had actually brought the correct child. The lady said nope only Nixxons dna was needed. So we gathered our stuff and left.
I kept teasing that this would probably be the only test that I fully knew the answer to. There was not even a sliver of a chance Nixxon could be any one elses but Joe.
Since it was my birthday my dad bought me a wonderful wal mart birthday cake to eat later. My grandma was also making me dinner that night. I know sounds like such an awesome party right?  Haha anyway as soon as I finished my dinner I got a text from my co workers at subway that they needed me to come in because my boss wouldn't answer his phone. Since it was Valentines day and a holiday weekend they were pretty busy. I felt bad so I told my family I needed to leave and I spent the rest of my night at subway until i finally text my boss and told him it would be super nice if he would come help because my family was eating my birthday cake without me and I had asked not to work that day long before he did. He came in for a like 5 minutes then left. Luckily the store slowed down and I was able to leave. I went home and got Nixxon ready for bed. And we slept.
A few weeks later I got a text from Joe saying "I didn't know if they emailed you or not but I just wanted to let you know that the results of the test came back and she most defiantly is mine haha she was like I little clone of me almost"
I didnt respond. I didn't need to. I had known that all along. I didn't need the DNA to tell me I knew it.

Hitting Rock Bottom

You never really know that you have hit rock bottom until you feel like a failure to thrive. You no longer have any want to keep moving forward and try to make things better. You literally just want to fall into your grave and not look back.
Within days I was sitting in my lawyers office telling him to officially serve Joe with the Termination of Rights papers. My lawyer looked at me and said "Are you ready for this?" I said "I think so, I don't know if there is a way around it" My parents who were 100% supportive in  my decision to pursue terminating his rights and claiming abandonment, voiced their concerns that we felt there was no other way to go now. We all felt it was time to end this crazy battle for once and for all and get some closure on it all.
I was terrified. It was either going to go the way of his rights were going to be terminated and life was going to go as I had planned. Or they were going to do a 180 and suddenly Nixxon was going to have a father, one she had not met in her almost 2 year life. Suddenly she was going to have to meet a new family that was completely different than my family the one she was use to being with all the time. How could I totally let my little girls life change in an instant. I was absolutly terrified about what was going to happen in the next two weeks
My lawyer sent the papers off to be served. He told us he had X amount of days to respond to the papers or I would by default win, if that is the right words. I had to literally do a little stalking. I knew where he worked but I needed to find out his address. He had recently moved to Heber City with some relatives. I couldn't just ask for his address without giving it away that I was serving him so I went all creeper status. It worked. I found his address eventually.
I waited a couple of days before I got a call from my lawyers assistant saying that Joe had been served. I was relieved to know that the count down was on, but scared because the count down was on. It did not take long to get a response from Joe, but now Joe had a lawyer. This is when I knew things were intense.
I lost it after that. I just had a feeling that this would be the end. My life was going to change dramatically and this person who I thought was done controlling my life was slowly prying back into it. There was not even a lot that I could do to stop it either. I had hired one of the best lawyers in the State of Utah. I wasn't sure how good of a lawyer Joe had though. But all I could do is tell the truth, pray, and hope for the best.
I remember the one day I do not know if I could have sunken any deeper. The night before my mom and I had gotten into a huge fight. I honestly don't even remember what it was about. I just remember she locked herself in her bathroom for hours until my dad called her best friend to come talk to her because he was worried about her. I seen the emotional toll it was not only taking on me but my whole family. I couldn't handle seeing my choices from years ago until now hurt my family this way and I lost it. The next day I had lost all wanting to move on with my life. Every second that I was alone and away from my family I cried. If I still had a problem with cutting myself I can only imagine how my hips and wrists would have looked after that day. I remember multiple times I just had to curl up into a ball and I couldn't even cry. My eyes felt like there was no more tears to be cried. I had to get my self together for moments at a time to attend my cousins wedding. Lucky for me the ceremony lasted 20 minutes and I had a few hours until the family dinner and when I got home for that once again I curled up on the floor and I just prayed to my Heavenly Father. I just asked for help. Please just help me and my family. I didn't know what I needed by help, but I needed my Father in Heaven to help. On this day I felt so alone. My parents were still a little stressed from the night before so I couldn't really talk to them. I didn't want to stress my sisters out anymore. My friends didn't exactly understand how I was feeling. No one did. I was alone. I wasn't suicidal by any means, but moving on with my life was not something I wanted to do. That is probably a feeling most people may never understand but I felt it very strong on this one day. I remembered my all time favorite scripture of Doctrine and Covenants 121. This scripture is when Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail. He says a prayer begging for the Lords help. That is the scripture I read when I feel any bit down because the Lord tells The Prophet that it is only a small moment of his life he feels this way. He has loved ones who will help him and love him. He does not understand why these things are happening to him but marvelous things will happen if he endures to the end. I knew I needed to pick my feet up and move on. If I stayed faithful things were going to work out. I had Nixxon. Nixxon needed her mom. I am her only parent. I needed to remember she is my life and she needs me to fight this feeling and fight for her. God was answering my prayers for help. He was reminding me I was tough,I was strong, I had family who was behind me the whole way. I was going to be okay because I was in the Lords hands and he was doing things his way, the way things needed to be. By the next day I was okay. I could smile again.
 I don't know if any other point in my life have I felt so low as I did that day. It was a feeling that I could not even describe but it was very real. Life really is a roller coaster. I can't deny that. Some lows are lower than others and some highs are higher than others. It keeps life interesting. But after hitting what felt like rock bottom of this roller coaster I was ready to move on and fight for what I knew was right.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

There is a saying that says " Hope for the best, Plan for the worst," I really should take this saying  to heart. I have a problem that when I see things are going well I assume they will continue to stay that way. I  am a little naive when it comes to that, I assume nothing will go wrong. After I met with Nixxon's Biological father, I learned this the hard way.
I had my sisters take Nixxon to a family members house while we met just in case things got crazy and went south. As soon as I went to pick her up, I received a text from her biological father pretty much just apologized. That led us into starting to talk more, and more. It started to feel like old times when we were dating. I knew not to let my self fall for him because first of all he did have a girlfriend. Second of all I knew he was a sweet talker and I should be careful not to fall for his words because his actions rarely follow through with what has been said.
We talked a lot about Nixxon. It was kinda nice to talk to someone who really wanted to hear about her because they were their parent, even if he had never met her yet. As a parent you still have a connection to your child's father no matter how bad things get. Doesn't mean you love or even like each other but there is always one common thing tying you together.
We talked about how she liked the song "What does the Fox say?" and how he hates that song. We talked about how she is kinda a picky eater but usually will eat meat. I told him how she could eat Swedish fish all day long, and he said that she really was his because that is how he is. It was kinda neat to see the things she got from him. I always knew since the day she was born she had his eyes, and his nose and his hairline but there was little things that I had forgot about after a few years of not talking.
He randomly would apologize for all the little things, I couldn't tell him that it was all okay because it wasn't yet. I just told him that I was getting over it and the better he treated Nixxon and I the easier it would be for me to really get over it and start to forgive him. As much as I wanted to forgive  him I still needed time and needed to see how things played out so I didnt take one step forward and 17 steps back all over again.
We talked about dating. I asked him how him and his girlfriend were, he said they were not together anymore because she was a little upset that he had lied to her and she defended him and it was all a little too much for her. I seriously didn't blame her one bit.   He asked how my dating life was and had asked if I was waiting for a mutual friend that I had recently dated for a few months and had been on his mission for about 6 months. I told him no, I told him that we were writing and if when he got back he wanted to try things out I would love to. We talked about what if we would have gotten married like we had planned and how things have changed. He asked if I would let Nixxon go to his wedding and I told him I am sure I would if things were still working out. It felt weird talking to him about marriage and not to each other. We had always had our lives planned out.
 We were going to get married soon after high school our first baby would be a girl named Jamie(JA his the first letters of his real name) MI is the first of mine and an E ends our names...well my nick name. Then we would have another girl named Anna Mae and one named Priscilla then a son named Porter. We were also going to have a husky named wolfy. He was going to build me the dance studio of my dreams so I could teach dance. Life with him seemed perfect. talking to him made me rethink of all this and  how much farther than that we were. We were not married. Our daughters name is Nixxon. I cant dance anymore, and my parents have a cat.
I still knew even though we could attempt to work things out it wasn't what was best for any of the three of us.
We talked a lot about the things we did together and how fun it was being around each other. It was kinda like a high school reunion, but with the only person you cared about at one point who suddenly let your world crash in the blink of an eye.
Things started to get a little rocky between us when his parents were pushing for him to get a paternity test done. I didnt see why we needed to and he was on his parents side. We began to argue about that. He also started asking me to sign a document that said even after he terminated his paternal rights that I would let him see Nixxon on my terms. I didn't feel okay about it and my lawyer said it wasn't a good idea either. I assured him that I was not trying to pull one from under him but there was no other way to do it other than go to court, and neither of us wanted to go that route. Suddenly we were constantly arguing. Finally he decided he would take his chances in the court room. After a few weeks of always texting and starting to mend our relationship that had crashed and burned a long time ago, he crashed and burned my hopes and trust all over again.

The meeting

I sat in my laundry room just waiting to hear a truck.  I had not been this nervous in so long. Making awkard noises ans faces to my mom is a way I handle stress for some reason and thats all I could do in that moment.
A few days before I had messaged Nixxons biological father on Facebook setting up a time we could meet. I asked him to meet at my house and asked that just us two would meet. He said that woild be fine and we decided to meet on January 4, 2014.
As he pulled up and walked to mu door, an extreme amount of anger hit me because of what his actions had put me through for the last couple of years. As I opened the door I slid those feelings aside with the swing of the door and invited this person into my home.
He told me how nice my new house was and then I told him he could sit down. I asked him if he had any questions and he said no so I started with my questions that went like this;

Why did you just walk away? What was so wrong with a baby?
He couldnt give me a decent answer to this he just said that he didn't know and he was stupid.
How did you just walk school me pregnant with your baby and not want to be involved.
He responded  with I wanted to be involved but I had assumed you had moved on and didnt want me involved.
Do you realize the reputation I now have for being a "whore" for the things you said about me?
He said he realized that.
Why now? Whu not when she was born?
He said the same answer as before.
How involved do you want to be?
He said as much as I would let him be.
What relationship do you want with her?
As much of one as I would let him be.
What are you willing to to give up for her?
He said as much as I would let him.
Do you really want to be in her life or is this just for repentance?
He got very defensive when he answered and said that he didn't have to come home from his mission in Mexico but hr felt it was time to be involved.
Did you ever wonder about her?
He said all the time.
What are you going to do to vindicate me because of your lies that have ruined my name?
He said that if anyone asked he would tell them the truth but until then it was none of their business.
I then told him all of the things I lost, dealt with or gave up after getting pregnant which was.
*I lost my best friend (him)
*I took a pregnancy test alone and could not get ahold of him to tell him it was positive.
*I had to tell my parents alone.
*I quit drill team which was my life at the time and he wouldn't talk to me the night I quit.
*I was stereotyped as a whore because of the rumors
* I didn't get to go to Sr.  Ball
*I had to hold off on college and still am taking it very slow.
*I work my butt off to support her.
*I lost a lot of friends because of the rumors.
*I lost my social life.
*I went through labor alone, only my mom was with me.
*I did not get to participate in seminary graduation.
*my dating life was not very active because of the rumors.
*I did not get to take region drill team with all of my friends.
He didn't say much to any of this
Then I told him a few of the things he had missed out on and cant get back.
*missed the first doctors appointment to hear the heart beat.
*was not there for the pregnancy test because going to a water park with friends was more important.
*was not there to feel any of her kicks.
*Not there for the first ultrasound.
*Was not there to find out she was a girl.
*Was not there when I went to the hospital.
*Was not there for the 12 hours of labor
*was not there when we thought she was deaf.
*didn't see her first smile.
*was not there for her first roll.
*was not there whe  she first started to crawl.
*was not there when she started to walk.
*was not there when she started talking
*was not there for any doctor appointments.
*had not been there for any birthday or Christmas.
*also all the little moments in between.
Then I told him that this was something I had prayed about and if he wanted a relationship with Nixxon that he needed to do what was best for Nixxon and what I felt was best for Nixxon is if he would sign away or terminate his parental rights to Nixxon.
I told him I did not need child support because I was financially okay and she was well taken care of. I told him if he signed I would allow him to see her on my terms I seen fit for her. I don't told him it was not a way to get back at him or to hold it against him. I reminded him of the fact that I had not lied to him in the past. This is the best way to keep our lives free of drama and could work things out outside of the legal system. I also told him if he decided not to we would have two get lawyers involved and all that money we could both spend in that process would be better spent on Nixxon. I also told him if he wouldn't sign that I did not know as I would be comfortable with him being around her.
He look the papers over and said that he was probably going to Simon and he just wanted to talk to his parents first. As he went to walk out of the door I asked if he wanted to know what she looked like. He said yes so I point to the picture of my parents my sisters Nixxon and me.
He said "Wow she really is mine"
There was another picture all the wall of Nixxon and I and one of my sisters and Nixxon. He started looking her and noticing all the things she had to look like him. He noticed she has his ears eyes and nose he also noticed she had his hairline.
I then asked him if he or his family had a history of eczema.  He said "oh no she doesn't have it does she?" I told him and she had a pretty bad and I have wondered why she had it but was glad to know where she got it from. He had told me to be careful with bandaids because his family is allergic to them. We continue to talk about her facial features and who she got what from. I showed him some pictures I had of her on my phone. He kept saying "wow she really is mine"
We continue to talk for at least another hour. He told me about some people he met on his mission. He said that he bought a machete on his way home from mexico and how proud he was of it. He said he had bought his nephews some sunglasses that he would have bought Nixxon something but wasn't sure if I would let her have anything.
We discussed if him and his girlfriend were still dating and how things were a little complicated between them.
Then we discussed how I am writing a few missionaries but not dating anyone right now.
We talked about my financial situation and I told him I am pretty good how I spend my money so Nixxon and has never hurt for anything she needed. He said that he would the willing to help pay for things Nixxon needed, but I told him we were okay that we could discuss money later on we had things a little more figured out.
He then asked how delivery and birth what's he asked how big she was and when I told him he pulled out this phone and put in birthday and her weight and how long she was. He was asking if everything had went okay I told him the only issue we had was she couldn't pass her hearing test in the hospital so we figured that she was deaf.
We discussed that makes sense the song what does the fox say and she really only likes to watch barney.
I also explained that I wanted Nixxon in a stable home I did not want her going from home to home each with a different lifestyle he said he understood. He also said but he knew my house was Nixon's home I didn't want to take it from her.
I explained that I wasn't specially not okay with Nixxon going around his family without me because I remember he told me a few times that his dad had beat or physically hurt him or his mom when I said this to him he knew what I was talking about but his dad was like a teddy bear around the grandkids.
We had a little bit more of small talk the. He asked if my parents were home and if he could apologize to them. I ran downstairs to grab them ans brought them up to talk to them.
He apologized for what he did and said he planned on signing. Then he was out the door.
The dreaded moment was over! I had survived and was brave through talking to someone who made me feel such horrible emotions for a few years. But I was feeling peace for once that things were going to get better.