Chapter 26- showing up at my doorstep!?!

Ugh when will Joe just knock it off! Today was a special day. We celebrated the little princesses first birthday. At dinner with my family and bet friend, i got a text from Joe saying "what's up?" I told my family then continued to eat. Then my doorbell rang. My table went silent, we were not expecting anyone for a few more hours. I jumped up and looked out my front window to see who it was, I looked and I seen the same shoes that Joe would wear and the same style of pants. I ran into the kitchen and said " it's him, it's Joe." I sent my sisters into my room with the baby. Then he knocked again. I was scared, shaking, livid at this point. Finally I checked and he was gone.
Later that day I another knock came to the door, my dad checked and seen that it was our home teacher, so we answered. As he walked in I just happened to look at his shoes.... They were the ones I had seen earlier. We asked him if he had been over earlier and he said "ya I just wanted to drop off some cookies" ugh I was so embarrassed. We explained how we thought it was her dad so we didn't answer. He laughed and told us how he had heard us before he rang the doorbell but it got silent. He thought he had offended my family haha. So today we are safe :) a little embarrassed, but hey we got cookies :)

Chapter 25- Missing my love <\3

Alrighty so tonight I had the opportunity to go watch my little sister dance at my high schools drill team showcase. Being on drill team was my life when I was on it. That's all I did all I thought about. I was for sure not the best dancer on the team but my love for dance and the sport was. Since I never finished out my senior year of drill team, every time I watch them dance I cry a little. It was so much harder when my friends were on it, but it's still hard now. I teared up with each " YEAH" that was yelled or whispered, each sharp slap during military that sounded so crisp, then each pirouette that was nailed, each al sicone that was beautiful, each extension that never wobbled. It brought back so many memories and ones I loved. I will never loose my love for dance but now i am just a spectator. Dreaming of seeing my baby out there one day, maybe on the same team I was.
There was also a hard thing for me to watch that made me just angry.... Joes girlfriend Rhonda, she was a senior on the team this year, not only that she was dance sterling scholar, team captain, and that's what I wanted my senior year. I was watching her do and have everything I once wanted, I mean she has Joe and he is all I use to want, and to be able to show my love for Dance to my team and school. Oh well, I have everything I didn't really knew that I wanted. I have my baby girl :) she is all I need and she can't take that from me.
I just hope one day I will get to watch My baby dance her heart out like I use to, then maybe she can be captain . But for now I just will wait to sign her up for dance with my old teacher. I can't wait one more year and she will be dancing. :)

Chapter 24- random memories of my pregnancy

So since I am sick, I just can't sleep so I will blog:) for those of you who faithfully read this I wish I could personally thank each one of you! You make it easier to handle life when it is stressful. So thank you!
I have been thinking of how it  was when I was pregnant and I left some out.
Did I write about the one time i was called a whore to my face at school. If I did skip the paragraph if not read it :)
So one day I was showing a lot. And in high school I showed off my belly. I loved it so whatever I didn't care if it was wrong for me to love my teen pregnancy, but I did. I have never been so happy. But anyway I was waddling my way from seminary to my office assistant class, and this little freshman girl who was very well known for messing around with many many guys, especially on church trips. Well she was starring hardcore at me. I thought to myself heck girl I have eyes to let. E stare back...so I did. As we had a stare down she got close enough to me and said softly "whore". I turned to my friends who were having a conversation and didn't even hear it, and said really! I know everyone is calling me that behind my back but really! They didn't care much and continued to talk. Then I found my little sister, and wooo that girls speaks her mind. I told my sister about it and she was livid. She hunted that girl down and gave her a peice of her mind. Later that day the girl came up to me and apollgiezed, she was almost in tears. I said ya its fine, but when she walked away I laughed. She was one scared little puppy after that.
Well my fingers are kind of tired so I'm going to end this post now, keep reading and thanks for reading!

Chapter 23- when will he give it up!?!

This morning Joe texted me! It's been so nice not hearing from him for a few weeks. All the text said was hey.... Does he really think after 21 texts I'm going to just respond. No he needs to knock it off! I want to change my number but my lawyer has advised me not to, so I can document each text and show how he harasses me but yet doesn't show an interest in his daughter. He is a sick man. I just don't understand.
I was going to start posting pictures my baby again until this happened. This whole thing is getting annoying. I am so tempted to get a restraining order. I also wonder if he saw me Sunday at church. I went to his friends missionary farewell, with my friends and I went with a guy so I wonder if he thinks me and this friend are together. I don't really care why he is texting me but it needs to stop ASAP! Joe get a life! Leave me alone, you didn't want me our your daughter in yours, now we do not want you in ours.

Chapter22- when will anyone understand?

Nixxons dad comes from an abusive alcoholic family. Her dad does not really want her. If we were to get a paternity test it wouldn't be because he changed his mind he is a better man. It would be because he is sick of the small town talk and needs to prove he is worthy to go on a mission. Sorry that's not my problem anymore. He won't take responsibility. I'm not going to make him. He does not need us we don't need him. Just because he took the five minutes to create the life doesn't mean he needs to spend five minutes in her life because its not going to ever help her in her life. I want her to have just one real dad who loves her the moments he meets her.one who doesn't need a blood test to be her dad. Sorry my daughter deserves a real man. Not a little boy.

Chapter 21- Staying strong to keep her safe

Having an instagram and Facebook are awesome right? For me it's super hard to have them. I get to see all my friends and family post pictures of their babies. I don't blame them and wouldn't want them to stop, but I can't show off my baby girl and its so hard. I was showing her pics a while back but after Joes mom and I had our fight I took all her pics off. They were stalking my Facebook! How creepy since I had blocked all of them and friends of theirs. I wish I knew if they were still looking me up and how interested they were in my baby. I wish I could show her off because she really is beautiful, smart , and funny. I wish I could show her off and the videos of her walking and saying mama and doing the dishes, but I can't. To anyone who doesn't know my reasons to hiding my baby I probably look like a horrible selfish mother. Ugh when is this roller coaster going to end? I can only hope soon.

Chapter 20- a week of peace

It's been a great week. I have not heard about Joe at all. I hope he is gone for good. I need this peace. I am a little stresses trying to study to take my cna test soon, plan Nixxons first birthday party, do things in my relieve society calling, working 30 hours a week, and just being a mom. I don't need any joe drama on top of this. It also sounds like he won't be coming home this weekend from college because he has a big track meet. Hallelujah! That means no awkward drive bys when I'm on my way to work and he is driving to his girl friends. I just know summer is coming soon and I'm sure he will has to be home for all of it, LOSER. Or maybe  he will be able to go on a mission and I won't see his sorry face for 2 years or until the guilt gets to him.

Chapter 19- My Sacrament meeting talk

I have been asked to speak about Christ and His atonement. I would like to start with this quote I found by President Monson. “We knew that our purpose was to gain a physical body, to overcome trials, and to prove that we would keep the commandments of God. Our Father knew that because of the nature of mortality, we would be tempted, would sin, and would fall short. So that we might have every chance of success, He provided a Savior, who would suffer and die for us.” That was from the Ensign of May 2010. God has a perfect knowledge of everything. He knew when he sent us here that he needed to send his son Jesus Christ to atone for our sins. We know we must try our hardest to be like him, but none of us ever are. We make simple little mistakes every single day, but lucky for us there is a way to make up for our everyday imperfections. The only way this can happen is through Christ and his unimaginable grace and mercy. If we go through the repentance process full heartedly then we can become clean from our sins, big and small. Then the next step is that we must obey the laws and principals of the gospel. God sends us these laws and principals through our prophet, seer and revelator. That is why listening to the prophet is so important. 

 The Atonement and repentance are some of the many things that I have been able to really gain a testimony about over the past year or so. Some of you may know that I have a very adorable little girl named Nixxon. She is 7 months old and the highlight of my life, and I am raising her right now as a single parent. Last year I found out I was going to be a Mom right before my senior year of High school. This news was hard for me, because not only was I going to have a baby but, that I was going to be doing it without her father involved. But I knew I could not blame God, my parents, my friends, the only person I had to blame was myself.  My parents and church leaders had always taught me right from wrong, and what God had expected from all of us. I knew right from wrong but I simply had chosen to ignore what I had been taught and not follow what I knew was right. I knew God had given these laws for reasons to protect us. He was trying to protect me from many trials and tribulations that come with teen pregnancy. I knew I had to take responsibility for my actions. I soon after I started the repentance process. I knew I should study my scriptures everyday. I found one in Luke chapter 15 verse 10, and it says “Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the ^aangels of God over one ^bsinner that repenteth.” This scripture was a comfort to me because I knew that angels were glad that I was repenting and getting back onto the right path. I was also given a quote by a seminary teacher that says “God doesn’t care nearly as much about where  you have been as he does about  where you are  and with his help, where you are willing to go. “ this was found in a talk given by Elder Holland. This quote is very powerful to me still today. I have it hanging on a magnet board in my room to remind me that I may have chosen a different path in life, but I can still get to the same place with the Lords help. I could not have went through my pregnancy with out putting all my faith in Christ. I knew if I kept my faith in the Lord and never gave up trying to make things right, I knew that I could be forgiven  and return to live with my Heavenly Father one day.

Another part of the atonement is that Christ suffered for our pains and afflictions, and overcame physical death so we can be resurrected one day. This part of the atonement is something I am very thankful for. This has been huge for me. I know that Christ has felt everything we feel emotionally and physically. He was able to bare each pain we have for each and every one of us. Being pregnant isn’t only physically painful and uncomfortable but for me was very hard emotionally. Being and expecting mother at 17 is hard enough, but when you are always dealing with rumors, usually feeling lonely because your friends just aren’t there for you anymore, and the hardest part was always feeling judged by so many people. I You never fully understand the struggles and heartache of someone until you walk in there shoes. Christ was able to walk in my shoes and feel all that I had to feel, and I found out how judgmental people can be. I still had to attend half a year of high school until I could graduate. I never would have understand how hard it is to stand out that much in a way that is not so great. During that half a year of school I had to give up my drill team, which was my whole life at the time. I decided to step down off the team because I knew I didn’t deserve to stay on because I had broken a rule on a contract I signed with the team. As soon as I was off the team I had no social life. I had to walk down the halls each day looking like i had a basketball for a stomach. The worst part of it was since I was doing this alone I had many rumors and misconceptions about what was going on with me. Everyday I had someone tell me a new rumor about me that was nothing near the truth. This was something that was very hard on me, but I never let myself feel bad for myself because I knew Christ had suffered these same pains. He knew what it was like to be talked about, abandoned, and judged. I always knew that He would never speak harshly of me, he would always be by my side when I was at my lowest point, and he knew the thoughts of my heart and was never quick to judge me. He was always there to help. Because of this experience I was able to first handed learn about Christ’s atonement and why he went through it for us. I know that no matter our situations, Christ is always going to be willing and able to help us out. He does it for every single person simply because he has so much love for us. I am so thankful for the many trials and tribulations I have had to face so I can have a better understanding of the atonement, and why Christ suffered for our pains and sins. I know Christ has a love for me and for everyone so he was able to suffer and atone for our sins. I am so thankful for Christ’s sacrifices for me and for everything he did and still continues to do for me.

Chapter 18-Being a single teen mom in a very LDS community

Being that I am LDS (Mormon) and living in Utah being a single teenage mom is a little bit harder. One of the worst sins you can commit is sex before marriage, being that this is something I did I was judged pretty harshly by those in my  community. I understand why I was. It only makes it worst that Nixxons father is not someone I claim, and he claims he is a virgin. Most people assumes I don't really know who it is, because I "slept with so many guys" ( which I did not I have only ever slept with Joe), or that I am trying to protect him so I dont name him. Well they are wrong. I know exactly who it is, I know exactly when I became pregnant, I am simply protecting her from a household that does not share the same values as what I want in my household. Also if her dad is legally involved in here life it makes it extremely hard for me to be sealed in the temple to her after I am married to a guy who actually wants to be her dad. If I could not be sealed to her it would absolutely break my heart because this is something I really have a testimony of.
Something else I really have a testimony of is that the Lord sends us trials to make us better people, and to humble us. Even though I was making wrong choices and was starting to head down a wrong path, becoming pregnant really changed my life for the better. My mom noticed theses changes that I was making and prayed that something would change me. It was kind of a backwards alma the younger thing (Mosiah 27, 28:1–9 and Alma 36:11–24.) Who knew pregnancy probably saved my life.
Around my junior year I was extremely depressed. I had a cutting, self harm and a small eating disorder problem few to none knew about. I would carve the words such as whore, slut, worthless, etc into my hips. If I was upset I could go with out eating for a day or two which got my down to 78 pounds at one time. But after finding out I was pregnant my life immediately changed I knew I had to be healthy to carry a baby full term and I could not let depression get the best of me.
I actually was asked in my branch to give a talk on Christ and the Atonement and I have the feeling I need to post it. It really is my testimony of how Christ helped me through one of my most difficult times of my life. As soon as Nixxon wakes up from her nap I will go get it and post it.

Chapter 17- Does this look a little creepy to anyone else?

After having Joe harass me the week if my birthday I thought for sure I would have had a paternity test by now. The week of my birthday he sent me the following messages , one every day " hey don't worry if you get this I don't wanna argue and I don't wanna talk about a test or anything like that I just wanna know how you are doing".    " haha crayzest dream about you ever :p" .     " happy birthday tomorrow! What do you want for your birthday? :) lol" .    "Happy birthday and valuntines day :D" crazy how he acts so nice now just to get me to text him back. Too bad it's NEVER going to happen.