Chapter 31: My random rant of the night

Today while at work I had a lady sneak behind my counter and I thought she was throwing something away in our garbage can but then she leaned into me and well here is our conversation.
Her: Your really cute and all but your too skinny.
Me:I know im working on it.
Her: Are you eating? Are you taking care of yourself?
Me: yes I eat as much as I can
Her:your just too little
Me:I know I have a gluten allergy that im still trying to find food I can eat.
Her: well you just need to eat.
Me: (Trying to joke) well its all the running I do with that baby of mine.
Her:(realizing she probably had offended me) oh well maybe im just jealous.

It drives me crazy. I do know I'm extremely under weight. On my "fat days" I weigh maybe 90 ibs, and other days im anything under that. Im a 000 pant size to a size 1. I know I do. I wish I was more solid of a woman, I see things how skinny girls are not as pretty they are for boys not men,and they ars gross. Guess what I do take offense to that. Why is it okay to make fun of skinny people and criticise them but if you do the same to a larger person its bullying. I just am frustrated I guess. I just dont understand.

Chapter 30- just one off those nights

Today I'm just super emotional. Nothing bad has happened or anything but I just want to cry. I don't know if it's just because it's "that time off the month" or what but I'm just upset. 
I was a little stressed out with Nixxon today after working a 9 hour shift on my feet the whole time when I got home my brain was exhausted and I just wanted to sleep. But with my hyper active toddler it just was not going.to happen. I have my family here but they didn't need to watch her after they already had all day on top of ripping carpet out of our house. My family watches Nixxon for me all the time so I can work and I hate to make them watch her more than that because she is a handful. And she is my responsibility not theirs.
These are the times I wish my circumstances were a little different and I had a husband who could help out. Not that I want Joe involved now but any day Mr. Right could come along and  step in as her father.
Still I don't know why I'm so emotional I guess I have just felt the urge to vent a little. Being a single parent is stressful and hard, but it is very rewarding and I love my Nixxon more than anything and she makes it all worth it.

My instagram q&a

This question came from becca_jean2
q:Did you get pregnant your first time? Also have you had sex since?
A:No it was not my first time it was my 2nd or 3rd time but with the same guy each time. And no I have not had sex since, and don't plan to until my honeymoon hah.

These next questions came from jellyww
Q: Do you bring Nixxon to church with you or does she go with your family to a family ward?
A: My branch doesn't let me take Nixxon to church so my family takes her to their ward and I go with her once or twice I month even I can miss relive society
Q: how did your date go?
A: it was a great date. He was such a gentle man and didn't make me uncomfortable. He totally earned a 2nd date.
Q: are things better with his family? Town? Him? Does he still text you randomly?
A: things are still the same with him and his family they still have never tried to see Nixxon or anything, which is what I want because Nixxon isn't losing out on anything with that type of family. As for the town I keep slowly hearing of people who support me and its nice to know people are behind me.
Q: what career did you decide on?
A: I am still strongly thinking nurse.

This came from andrositawaslike
Q: if you could would you go back and change anything before becoming a teen mom?
A: I wish I could have went back and did better in school and taken more college classes so I could better support Nixxon more now.

This came from hollyann_and_mason
Q:if you could change your life now would you? If so how?
A: I wish I could change my life some how to help me get into college buy other than that I am loving my life I have been very blessed.
Q: Do you plan on having more kids in the future?
A: yes! I want 5 or 6 kids after I'm married . I have always wanted a big family and I guess I just got a head start on it haha.

These are from Savvnuh
Q: how do you like your calling.
A: I have loved it, it's just hard being Secretary and having to be there every week and I want to be with Nixxon every once in a while but it's nice to feel like I am needed in my branch.
Q: how has the gospel helped you in your life and raising your daughter?
A: the gospel has truly been my rock. I have made many of my decisions based on the teachings. I know I can find a man and be sealed with him one day so that's is why I don't want Nixxons father involved and ruin chances of being sealed. The gospel also gives me hope that everything works out and heavenly father knows what it's best and its always watching out for me.
Q: how did your daughter get her name?
A: I had heard Nixon once and feel in love with it, I had Nixxon, Autrie, and hudson picked out and my family and the nurses all decided she looked like a Nixxon.
And thank you :) your so sweet and the date was great :).

Thank you every one for all the questions! I hope to do another one later because this was fun. I hope I got all of them and answered all of them. You guys are great!