No one Mourns the Wicked

When someone is coming to terms that everything they have been working towards for months or even years, is not working out, it is pretty hard to deal with. When someone finally decides that they are wrong, and decides to do the complete opposite of what they were doing,even though it is going to look bad upon themselves they will probably justify it by placing the blame onto someone else. No one wants to look like the bad guy. No one likes to admit that they are wrong.

I recently reseen the musical Wicked, besides the fact that it is the absolute musical out there there is a song they sing called No One Mourns the Wicked. Parts of that song stick out to me so much when thinking about this experience I am going to share. The lyrics say “No one mourns the Wicked, No one cries they won't return, No one lays a lily on their grave, the good man scorns the Wicked, Through their lives our children learn, What we miss when we misbehave, And goodness knows the Wicked's lives are lonely Goodness knows The Wicked die alone, It just shows when you're Wicked you're left only on your own......”

One night I had just gotten home from a 12 hour shift at mu new job. I was tired and probably a little on the ornery side. I really was ready to just sit and relax with my family. As soon as I pulled into my driveway I noticed I had gotten texts from Joe one asking if I wanted to go hiking with him, after I told him point blank NO he sent back

“Alright well also my truck is due for an oil change so I'm gonna be changing the oil in it if you would like and if your car needs it I can show you how to change your oil”

“I've got my dad who already showed me” I replied back. I know I seem so mean but I had been getting these random texts at least once a day asking me to go with him when no matter what I said he kept asking and it was getting really annoying. Kind of comical at times but yet still annoying.

“Alright have a good weekend”

“I will”

My family decided to go with our new summer “thing” smores. As soon as we pulled out everything to make the smores and turned on the stove to roast the marshmallows I noticed I had another text from Joe.

{J}“Are you busy tomorrow?”
{M}“Yes”

{J}“Could you spare twenty minutes we need to talk”

{M}“About what”

{J}“Your deal”
{M}“What about it?”

{J}”I'll tell you tomorrow if you'll give me twenty minutes”

“Unless you wanna just talk now”

“So does that mean no?”

At this point I was kind of panicked. What was so important and what exactly was my deal?

{M} “Can you just call me?”

{J}”No I would rather talk in person”

{M} “I can meet with you tonight but my parents are here” I wanted my parents there. I was honestly a little nervous to be left alone with him for even twenty minutes.

{J}” That is okay I'm home alone but I don't want you to drive clear here so we can just go on a walk to the park or something”

{M}” No you can come sit on my porch and we can talk”

{J} “ Alright fair enough”

{M} “K”

{J} “I'm on my way”

Not again. I was about to meet with him face to face all over again. This gave me pretty bad anxiety. My mind was running at 1000000 MPH. We sent my sisters with Nixxon away from the house. My parents decided to sit right behind the porch in the living room which is the laundry room and has pretty perfect view of the sitting area and with the window open you can hear perfectly. We talked about what I would say if certain things were said, I also told them a safe word if I felt like he was actually going to hurt me. I couldn't put it past him at this point. I didn't plan on something that crazy to happen but it would not surprise me.

I sat in my laundry room waiting to see trucks headlights. This was the same feeling I felt a few months back waiting for him to show up to meet with me. Before I knew it here came headlights, and they were pulling into my driveway. I ran outside and sat in a chair and prepared my little self to act tough, even though inside I was pretty much wanting to cry. It took him a minute to get from his truck to get to the porch. I heard a door slam and waited what felt like forever. Soon he was in front of me and I told him to go ahead and sit down.

Our conversation was pretty much as follows to the best of my memory.

{m} “ So what do we need to talk about?”

{j}” Well I really don't like the way we have been acting and it isnt good for Nixxon to see us fight (totally meant how I was treating him and we fought over text messages not like Nixxon had a clue what was really happening)

{m} “okay and?”

{J} “I am going to go ahead and sign the termination of parental rights papers but I am going to have my lawyer draw them up.”

{m} “okay and what is the difference going to be between the two papers?”

{J} “ I just need to cover my bases and make sure that it is final and that you can not come after me for child support or anything like that”
{m} “That seems good to me I will have my lawyer ready for them”

Pretty much that was that. I was darn excited here was the end I was asking for. I was finally getting what I had asked for! As soon as he walked away I ran inside and my parents and I talked about it. We knew not to get too excited until we actually had the papers and could see if there was a big catch in there somewhere. We told my sisters to come back and we could hopefully rest a little bit.

Before I knew it I had another text from Joe. Here is our conversation(this is word for word right off of my phone, except for my personal thoughts as I was reading the texts)

{j}”Thanks for your time”

{m} “yep”

{j} “I'm sorry”

{m}” why?”

{j}” That things didn't go well between us. And that I wont ever get the chance to see my daughter till she's eighteen”

I decided not to respond he was just trying to make me feel bad and all that was going to happen was us fight again not long and here came another text.

{j}” [M] this will be the last time I talk to you except for when I have to for legal matters. But I want you to know how I feel. I know that I shouldn't feel this way [M] but I cant help it. But I hope Nixxon never forgives you for this. I hope she judges you as harshly as you are judging me.(Not judging in fact I was trying to forgive him but I needed my closure first) I'm sorry I truly am but there is nothing more I can do. I came home willingly (from his church mission which if you have a child you can NOT serve a mission in the first place so no he was sent home not willingly came home) to get this resolved [M]. I gave up everything( Really?????? You gave up EVERYTHING? I would love to make a list and compare who has given up since the day Nixxon was conceived because I am sure I have him beat by 10 miles. The only thing he gave up was the mission which he was never worthy to serve in the first place and I was not either so technically we are equal on that one) I've tried to make thigs work between us but you push me away. I've tried to be civil for Nixxons sake but you refuse to be civil back. I don't know why you dont want me to see my own daughter but I honestly have done everything I can do. I know I'm not perfect but no one is[M]. The Lord has seen my efforts he knows my heart and for that I do not fear the judgement. Good bye [M] I will see you in sixteen years”. ( No you will see me in a few weeks when we finally get this settled in court but nice try)

{m} “I have felt in my heart since day one that what I am trying to do is best for her. I have prayed about what I should do about you and her since the day I found out I was pregnant. I wanted closure on things so I could continue working on forgiving you. But you can be mad at me thats your choice. I dont have time or energy to be mad at you but I have to do what is best for my daughter”

{j} “You don't have to be mad at me [M] but you can still treat me like a human. [M] I don't believe the Lord would tell any willing dad that they shouldn't be with their daughter. And Nixxon is not a chore she is the sweetest blessing got has ever given to this world. I do know its hard being a single mom but I wish you would let me help you”

{m} “ I never said she was a chore at all there isnt a day I dont thank Heavenly Father but I am not going to argue”

{j} I dont want to either. But I do have one last question. Why not me?”

At this point I was mad. I was not even going to reply to that. I sent all of the messages to my lawyer even though it was almost 11 pm. My lawyer simply told me not to listen to him, he was only trying to send me on a guilt trip. He was right.

Joe knew he was done. He had messed up so bad in the past and there was no way to fix it at this point. He had to try to make me the bad guy in the situation. Making it all about him and not who I was worried about Nixxon. I did not want Nixxon dealing with this kind of fighting her whole life I had to do what I could to keep her out of this kind of situation. It had never been about getting back at him for the pain he had caused me. Yes the pain still hurt but if I felt Joe was needed in Nixxons life then I would let him be apart of it but I seen no benefit to him being apart of my little girls life at this point.

Now back to the Wicked song, Joe didn't want to be the wicked one and I am not saying he is wicked in anyway. Joe made some HUGE mistakes but he wanted to keep coming out looking like the good guy and smelling like a rose kinda like Glenda (the good witch) seems to do. No one wants to appear like Alphaba ( the wicked witch of the west). Nixxon and I wont mourn that he isn't a part of our lives, we won't cry if he wont return. Okay if he had a grave I probably would put a flower on it, I don't wish that upon him, I also don't need to scorn him, he knows he messed up but I cant just give him everything he is asking for there is consequences to our actions and he needed to learn that. Through my life and his I hope Nixxon learns lots of lessons about life and what we do miss when we misbehave. Now I also do not hope that Joe dies alone. I do hope he finds someone who makes him happy, he simply needs to realize that person is not me.

Joe was finally getting the point that he had messed up and he was going to suffer for what he did. We all have prices to pay for our mistakes. I had given up a Senior year, and all the little things that go with that, a normal college education, and the list goes on. I would not trade it obviously but it still had been a lot of sacrifice on my end. Joe might be sacrificing his chance to be a dad to Nixxon because he walked out for too long. Glenda sacrificed a friendship, Alphaba melted (haha) at the end things seem to work out even through the sacrifices and prices we pay for the choices we make.