Forks in the road.

Life gets confusing. It gets messy. It gets stressful. Difficult times make you think messy, because you get confused it makes you stress more. Life is always bringing a new fork in the road it seems like. It gets confusing/messy/ stressful when you have to pick which side of the fork you are going to choose. You always think you have that choice made up until it actually presents itself to you and forces you to make your choice.
It had crossed my mind if trying to work things out with Joe was what I needed to do. I never had really considered it but wondered. Wondered if we should talk things out. Get it all out, bring everything to the surface. Go to counseling and work out the problems we had when we were together and patch up our extremely rough situation we were in. No. I knew that was not what  I needed to do.  I never thought it would actually be brought up though. Forcing me to make that decision on the spot.
One night I got a text from Joe which is normal to get one out of the blue. This one was " Hey {M} how are you? Sorry it's so late I was just reading the scriptures and came across Philippians 1:3 and it reminded me of you. I have thinking a lot about you and Nixxon and I do thank God for you even if the remembrance is all that I have of you right now I really hope we can work things out." 
I did not respond but I did run to my scriptures to see what this scripture was. When I opened to it and read it I kind of wanted to gag "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you" is what I read. I do not understand how you go from abandoning me and your child to that, It just doesn't make sense. I showed my parents and we all just kind of laughed about it. Didn't think too much about it then.
A few nights later I got another one from him this one was "Hey sorry I know your probably not supposed to talk to me. And to be honest I'm not supposed to talk to you either but i just wanted to tell you I got a job back in town so I'll be able to move home. And I wanted to see if you would maybe want to catch a movie together or if  I could take you to dinner when you get some free time" 
I text my lawyer to see how I should respond. He laughed at me and said something about how silly this was. Joe had filled papers against me in court but is asking me out. He then coursed me through the rest of our conversation.
"I dont feel that it would be appropriate" I responded to him.
"What if we just went on a walk or something it doesn't have to be a date. I hate waiting around for the courts to keep pushing our date back. And I would really would  just like to hang out and get to know each other again. even though it wasn't under the best circumstances I liked talking to you when I first came home"
"Im still not interested"
" Alright I'm sorry have a good night."
Now before you think I am heartless and he "really is trying" keep in mind just a few months ago his girlfriend dumped him. Girls probably have heard what he had done and do not want to date someone with this reputation. Also he is getting desperate because he could loose his chance to meet his daughter so this was a last resort. Playing with my emotions all over again. Lucky for me this conversation did not get to me very much. Unfortunately it  did enough that I started to pray about it. I asked my Heavenly Father if getting back together was some thing I needed to do for Nixxon. I didn't get an answer right away.
Before I knew it a few days later I was getting another round of texts from Joe
"Hey can I ask you something?"
" What?"
"Sorry just to be completely honest I think about you and Nixxon everyday and how you are doing and to be honest I want to be apart of your lives. I was just wondering if i had any chance to try and make things up to you and maybe even date again and see where things take us. Sorry this sounds really weird but basically  do I have any chance at all of being with you again? And if so what do I have to do to make things right with you and your family"
I ran up to my parents in tears after reading this. I was confused. Yes this guy had been a jerk to me but after all, he was the father of my child. We once were happy. We could try hard and be the family I had once dreamed about. Being a family is the ideal situation to be with your child's father. When I started talking to my parents about how I felt and how I was thinking. My mom got upset with me. She asked if she needed to grab the book of everything we had went through to protect Nixxon and me from him. Then I remembered she was kind of right. I had prayed about this long ago and got a clear answer about it. Nixxon and I were meant for someone else. Not Joe. I was still a little torn. A part of me wanted to work things out, then the majority of me knew I needed to be strong and continue with the path I was taking before. I knew the answer and I needed to follow my heart and my brain. No. NO I would not put myself through the hell he put me through when we were and were not together, and I was not about to drag my daughter through a mess like that.
Joe text me again before I responded " Sorry that sounded super weird in text I wish I could talk to you in person. But {m} I know you probably have no feelings for me and I dont blame you I dont deserve forgiveness  for anything ive done but I do still have feelings for you"
I pretty much felt like I needed to make this decision within a few minutes. It was actually difficult to sort through so many emotions and feelings and decide what was right,then put in into words that couldn't come back and bite me later on.
"{Joe} this is something I have thought and prayed about a lot. I just dont think things will ever work out between us because you have betrayed me so many times, you cheated, you abandoned me and my daughter when we needed you the most. You and your family made me out to be a horrible person when all I have done is told the truth and tried to do what is best for my daughter. I dont think that I could fully trust you again after everything you have done. Im not saying I cant forgive you but I think you burned that bridge the day you decided to walk away"
" Is there anything I can do to prove I'm different than I was in high school? You dont even have to let me meet Nixxon until you feel comfortable"
"I don't think there is anything you could do"
"I'm Sorry"
I felt kind of bad if he was serious. But I had to do what I felt was best for Nixxon and I.  I wanted her to grow up with two parents who love her and each other. I couldn't risk having to fake a happy relationship just so Nixxon could have her biological parents together. I also didn't want to just settle for an okay relationship because it could have worked out to a point. But that would only show Nixxon that she can settle for just okay also. I never want her to just settle for anything.
A few days went on and I got the random texts most I did not respond to but then  Joe sent me a text that pushed me to the limit. He said that other people had given him pictures of Nixxon but he wanted one from me. First of no I would not give him one. Second...  I was most definitely not  in any way okay with the fact that people were giving pictures of MY daughter to people with out my permission. I was pretty sure they were coming from my facebook, I was pretty careful about who I left as a friend on there. I also tried not to post too many but somewhere I failed. It really bothered me to the point where I made my family delete pictures they had posted about her, I even deleted my facebook for a time.  Before I did I posted a small rant that I was not okay with things being taken from my facebook and given to others without my permission and how it was my life and I shared the things in my life with who I wanted and kept certain people out of it for reasons they did not understand, and probably would not every have to try to understand.
Joe then began to keep asking me out and to go hang out with his family. I told him no every time. I didn't want to be around him and especially not his family.
I soon got another text from Joe saying "Sorry I just have been thinking about you and was just wondering if you have any feelings for me at all anymore"
"Not really. You do realize I went to counseling to get over you right? A lot of my single parenting counseling had to deal with coming to terms that you didnt love me and I needed to move on for Nixxon. Three years ago I had a lot of feelings for you but you have changed a lot and so have I"
I never got a response after that one. I am sure it was hard for him. I had to deal with it. He rejected me a lot and now I was doing the same thing he had done to me for years, I just had a completely different motive behind why I was choosing to not get back together with him. This is something we argued about a lot since then. He said we would stay together unless I left him and I dont believe a loveless marriage/relationship would solve anything. He also mentioned we had a special bond because we had Nixxon, which to a point is true, but we never had the chance to bond through a pregnancy, her birth, sleepless nights, and watching all of her firsts. We had a child together but it was a relationship similar to one with a sperm donor.
Coming to terms that we were not meant to be together was extremely hard on me when I went through the months of heart ache years ago and I am sure Joe did have a hard time with it and still may. I know it is the right thing for all of us. Joe deserves to find someone who accepts him and his past and makes him happy, I do really hope he can find that one day. I know Nixxon and I will someday too. Choosing which fork you need to take is always hard, but you just need to take a deep breath, pray hard, and trust yourself.