The meeting

I sat in my laundry room just waiting to hear a truck.  I had not been this nervous in so long. Making awkard noises ans faces to my mom is a way I handle stress for some reason and thats all I could do in that moment.
A few days before I had messaged Nixxons biological father on Facebook setting up a time we could meet. I asked him to meet at my house and asked that just us two would meet. He said that woild be fine and we decided to meet on January 4, 2014.
As he pulled up and walked to mu door, an extreme amount of anger hit me because of what his actions had put me through for the last couple of years. As I opened the door I slid those feelings aside with the swing of the door and invited this person into my home.
He told me how nice my new house was and then I told him he could sit down. I asked him if he had any questions and he said no so I started with my questions that went like this;

Why did you just walk away? What was so wrong with a baby?
He couldnt give me a decent answer to this he just said that he didn't know and he was stupid.
How did you just walk school me pregnant with your baby and not want to be involved.
He responded  with I wanted to be involved but I had assumed you had moved on and didnt want me involved.
Do you realize the reputation I now have for being a "whore" for the things you said about me?
He said he realized that.
Why now? Whu not when she was born?
He said the same answer as before.
How involved do you want to be?
He said as much as I would let him be.
What relationship do you want with her?
As much of one as I would let him be.
What are you willing to to give up for her?
He said as much as I would let him.
Do you really want to be in her life or is this just for repentance?
He got very defensive when he answered and said that he didn't have to come home from his mission in Mexico but hr felt it was time to be involved.
Did you ever wonder about her?
He said all the time.
What are you going to do to vindicate me because of your lies that have ruined my name?
He said that if anyone asked he would tell them the truth but until then it was none of their business.
I then told him all of the things I lost, dealt with or gave up after getting pregnant which was.
*I lost my best friend (him)
*I took a pregnancy test alone and could not get ahold of him to tell him it was positive.
*I had to tell my parents alone.
*I quit drill team which was my life at the time and he wouldn't talk to me the night I quit.
*I was stereotyped as a whore because of the rumors
* I didn't get to go to Sr.  Ball
*I had to hold off on college and still am taking it very slow.
*I work my butt off to support her.
*I lost a lot of friends because of the rumors.
*I lost my social life.
*I went through labor alone, only my mom was with me.
*I did not get to participate in seminary graduation.
*my dating life was not very active because of the rumors.
*I did not get to take region drill team with all of my friends.
He didn't say much to any of this
Then I told him a few of the things he had missed out on and cant get back.
*missed the first doctors appointment to hear the heart beat.
*was not there for the pregnancy test because going to a water park with friends was more important.
*was not there to feel any of her kicks.
*Not there for the first ultrasound.
*Was not there to find out she was a girl.
*Was not there when I went to the hospital.
*Was not there for the 12 hours of labor
*was not there when we thought she was deaf.
*didn't see her first smile.
*was not there for her first roll.
*was not there whe  she first started to crawl.
*was not there when she started to walk.
*was not there when she started talking
*was not there for any doctor appointments.
*had not been there for any birthday or Christmas.
*also all the little moments in between.
Then I told him that this was something I had prayed about and if he wanted a relationship with Nixxon that he needed to do what was best for Nixxon and what I felt was best for Nixxon is if he would sign away or terminate his parental rights to Nixxon.
I told him I did not need child support because I was financially okay and she was well taken care of. I told him if he signed I would allow him to see her on my terms I seen fit for her. I don't told him it was not a way to get back at him or to hold it against him. I reminded him of the fact that I had not lied to him in the past. This is the best way to keep our lives free of drama and could work things out outside of the legal system. I also told him if he decided not to we would have two get lawyers involved and all that money we could both spend in that process would be better spent on Nixxon. I also told him if he wouldn't sign that I did not know as I would be comfortable with him being around her.
He look the papers over and said that he was probably going to Simon and he just wanted to talk to his parents first. As he went to walk out of the door I asked if he wanted to know what she looked like. He said yes so I point to the picture of my parents my sisters Nixxon and me.
He said "Wow she really is mine"
There was another picture all the wall of Nixxon and I and one of my sisters and Nixxon. He started looking her and noticing all the things she had to look like him. He noticed she has his ears eyes and nose he also noticed she had his hairline.
I then asked him if he or his family had a history of eczema.  He said "oh no she doesn't have it does she?" I told him and she had a pretty bad and I have wondered why she had it but was glad to know where she got it from. He had told me to be careful with bandaids because his family is allergic to them. We continue to talk about her facial features and who she got what from. I showed him some pictures I had of her on my phone. He kept saying "wow she really is mine"
We continue to talk for at least another hour. He told me about some people he met on his mission. He said that he bought a machete on his way home from mexico and how proud he was of it. He said he had bought his nephews some sunglasses that he would have bought Nixxon something but wasn't sure if I would let her have anything.
We discussed if him and his girlfriend were still dating and how things were a little complicated between them.
Then we discussed how I am writing a few missionaries but not dating anyone right now.
We talked about my financial situation and I told him I am pretty good how I spend my money so Nixxon and has never hurt for anything she needed. He said that he would the willing to help pay for things Nixxon needed, but I told him we were okay that we could discuss money later on we had things a little more figured out.
He then asked how delivery and birth what's he asked how big she was and when I told him he pulled out this phone and put in birthday and her weight and how long she was. He was asking if everything had went okay I told him the only issue we had was she couldn't pass her hearing test in the hospital so we figured that she was deaf.
We discussed that makes sense the song what does the fox say and she really only likes to watch barney.
I also explained that I wanted Nixxon in a stable home I did not want her going from home to home each with a different lifestyle he said he understood. He also said but he knew my house was Nixon's home I didn't want to take it from her.
I explained that I wasn't specially not okay with Nixxon going around his family without me because I remember he told me a few times that his dad had beat or physically hurt him or his mom when I said this to him he knew what I was talking about but his dad was like a teddy bear around the grandkids.
We had a little bit more of small talk the. He asked if my parents were home and if he could apologize to them. I ran downstairs to grab them ans brought them up to talk to them.
He apologized for what he did and said he planned on signing. Then he was out the door.
The dreaded moment was over! I had survived and was brave through talking to someone who made me feel such horrible emotions for a few years. But I was feeling peace for once that things were going to get better.