Hitting Rock Bottom

You never really know that you have hit rock bottom until you feel like a failure to thrive. You no longer have any want to keep moving forward and try to make things better. You literally just want to fall into your grave and not look back.
Within days I was sitting in my lawyers office telling him to officially serve Joe with the Termination of Rights papers. My lawyer looked at me and said "Are you ready for this?" I said "I think so, I don't know if there is a way around it" My parents who were 100% supportive in  my decision to pursue terminating his rights and claiming abandonment, voiced their concerns that we felt there was no other way to go now. We all felt it was time to end this crazy battle for once and for all and get some closure on it all.
I was terrified. It was either going to go the way of his rights were going to be terminated and life was going to go as I had planned. Or they were going to do a 180 and suddenly Nixxon was going to have a father, one she had not met in her almost 2 year life. Suddenly she was going to have to meet a new family that was completely different than my family the one she was use to being with all the time. How could I totally let my little girls life change in an instant. I was absolutly terrified about what was going to happen in the next two weeks
My lawyer sent the papers off to be served. He told us he had X amount of days to respond to the papers or I would by default win, if that is the right words. I had to literally do a little stalking. I knew where he worked but I needed to find out his address. He had recently moved to Heber City with some relatives. I couldn't just ask for his address without giving it away that I was serving him so I went all creeper status. It worked. I found his address eventually.
I waited a couple of days before I got a call from my lawyers assistant saying that Joe had been served. I was relieved to know that the count down was on, but scared because the count down was on. It did not take long to get a response from Joe, but now Joe had a lawyer. This is when I knew things were intense.
I lost it after that. I just had a feeling that this would be the end. My life was going to change dramatically and this person who I thought was done controlling my life was slowly prying back into it. There was not even a lot that I could do to stop it either. I had hired one of the best lawyers in the State of Utah. I wasn't sure how good of a lawyer Joe had though. But all I could do is tell the truth, pray, and hope for the best.
I remember the one day I do not know if I could have sunken any deeper. The night before my mom and I had gotten into a huge fight. I honestly don't even remember what it was about. I just remember she locked herself in her bathroom for hours until my dad called her best friend to come talk to her because he was worried about her. I seen the emotional toll it was not only taking on me but my whole family. I couldn't handle seeing my choices from years ago until now hurt my family this way and I lost it. The next day I had lost all wanting to move on with my life. Every second that I was alone and away from my family I cried. If I still had a problem with cutting myself I can only imagine how my hips and wrists would have looked after that day. I remember multiple times I just had to curl up into a ball and I couldn't even cry. My eyes felt like there was no more tears to be cried. I had to get my self together for moments at a time to attend my cousins wedding. Lucky for me the ceremony lasted 20 minutes and I had a few hours until the family dinner and when I got home for that once again I curled up on the floor and I just prayed to my Heavenly Father. I just asked for help. Please just help me and my family. I didn't know what I needed by help, but I needed my Father in Heaven to help. On this day I felt so alone. My parents were still a little stressed from the night before so I couldn't really talk to them. I didn't want to stress my sisters out anymore. My friends didn't exactly understand how I was feeling. No one did. I was alone. I wasn't suicidal by any means, but moving on with my life was not something I wanted to do. That is probably a feeling most people may never understand but I felt it very strong on this one day. I remembered my all time favorite scripture of Doctrine and Covenants 121. This scripture is when Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail. He says a prayer begging for the Lords help. That is the scripture I read when I feel any bit down because the Lord tells The Prophet that it is only a small moment of his life he feels this way. He has loved ones who will help him and love him. He does not understand why these things are happening to him but marvelous things will happen if he endures to the end. I knew I needed to pick my feet up and move on. If I stayed faithful things were going to work out. I had Nixxon. Nixxon needed her mom. I am her only parent. I needed to remember she is my life and she needs me to fight this feeling and fight for her. God was answering my prayers for help. He was reminding me I was tough,I was strong, I had family who was behind me the whole way. I was going to be okay because I was in the Lords hands and he was doing things his way, the way things needed to be. By the next day I was okay. I could smile again.
 I don't know if any other point in my life have I felt so low as I did that day. It was a feeling that I could not even describe but it was very real. Life really is a roller coaster. I can't deny that. Some lows are lower than others and some highs are higher than others. It keeps life interesting. But after hitting what felt like rock bottom of this roller coaster I was ready to move on and fight for what I knew was right.