Learning not to settle in when it gets peaceful

Things between Joe and me seemed calm for a while. I figured he was going to stay away from Nixxon and me for a while since deciding to completely step out of the picture.  My life had found a calm I had not had for almost three years.  I had Nixxon who was healthy, energetic, and a joy to be around. I had a wonderful boyfriend who helped show me more happiness than I have had in such a long time.

Not too long after everything with Joe I got a message from Joe’s brother- in- law {C}.

{C} Thank you for unblocking me.. {L} and i would love it if ever wanted our kids to meet eachother.. i know you don't have to or anything like that.. we see you around town and think about coming up to talk with you in person but we dont want to make you uncomfortable or anything like that..i have went through the same type of thing you are going through only i was the child if you ever want to talk i would be here to talk to you about anything..thanks for your time. {M} I appreciate the fact that you guys would like to meet Nixxon, but I feel like after everything that has happened that has happened that Nixxon and I need to just move on with our lives. I feel like it would do more harm than good to Nixxon if she was to have a relationship with you guys and not joe. This is what I feel is best for Nixxon and I have to do is best for her as her mom. {C}I see your concern...i dont agree with the way joe handled anything. I tried giving him advice and obviously he didn't listen to anything i have said .... {L} would really love a chance to at least talk with you about it and maybe we could just tell our kids they are just friends, then later if you decide its going good you could say they are cousins. ... it would be nice for us to prove to you how sorry we are for everything and we would never cause harm....i know you have thought it through already but please think more about it thank you for talking with me {M} Im sorry but thIs is something I have thought about long before court even happened but I feel it is best if all ties are cut. It is not because I have bad feeling towards any of you but I feel like Nixxon shouldn't really know them until she is a lot older and understands everything that has happened. {C}Is there anything we could do to change that? {M} No I think this is what is best for Nixxon. {C} K thank you if you change you mind we will be there for you

I got a lot of backlash from relatives and others about this. What they didn't understand is that I wasn't going to let them meet just because I was mad at the family or because I don’t want Nixxon to know her “cousins”. I felt this was in Nixxons best interest. I did not want to lie to her and call them “friends” for a while because I do not plan on lying to Nixxon about anything that has happened. I strongly felt like closing the door between us and Joe’s family was the best thing. It would be hard for Nixxon to one day realize that her “dad” had been a great uncle to her cousins but had only met her once, and willingly walked away again.  That would bother me if I was in her shoes. I felt like cutting all ties was going to give all of us more closure.

I had been upset with Joe’s family for a long time, until I realized that all they were doing was standing up for their son, brother, cousin, friend. Just like my family and friends had done. Joe’s family did not deserve me to be upset with them. Joe was the one who lied to them. Joe was the one at fault.

I really did appreciate the fact that once that they did know the truth that they did want to meet Nixxon and have a relationship with her. I probably would want the same thing in their shoes. I just really felt like we all just needed to accept what had happened and move on.

I had no doubt that one day Nixxon would have a real dad. She would have a real family on her dad’s side. I don’t feel like I was holding her back from a family. I knew she was going to have a family one day who accepted her as their own even though she wasn't.

I really do feel bad for Joe’s family. They didn't necessarily choose to deny Nixxon for two years knowingly. Joe made that choice and it didn't just affect him, me, and Nixxon but it affected his whole family. I understand they tried to talk him out of his choice but I had to do what was best for my daughter and I.  It was not really an easy choice to make because I did feel bad but I knew what was best for our future.

It bothered though that Joe’s sister and brother in law were contacting me every once in a while so I decided I needed to text Joe and ask him to talk to his family. It was annoying to just get into a good place then be bothered by them. I just wanted to be done with it all.  When I messaged Joe about everything he said he had no idea and most of his family had felt we needed to all keep our distance a little. Joe said that he would talk to them and apologized for them.

My mom was talking to one of their families close friend and it turns out {C} and {L} have been pushed out of the family a little bit. Instead of moving on they decided to push the issue and Joe’s family was not okay with that. I guess they only really talk now is because of the grand kids. It is nice to know everyone else feels the same that it is time to move on and forward with our lives and to stop dwelling on the past.

Surprise Choice

Sometimes things happen that you know are going to happen but they still totally surprise you when they do. In a way you hope they are going to happen but don’t want them to at the same time. Joe reminded me of this so many times but mostly he did on July 20, 2014.

    Once again Joe decided to text me. I wasn’t sure how to handle Joe texting me so frequently and being with Landon. Landon was understanding about it but I really felt like we only need to be talking when it was about Nixxon or him coming to visit. I really did not like all of the extra conversations we were having but I wasn’t sure how to tell him with out making him mad since he could appeal his choice to terminate for a few more weeks. So I rolled with it for a while.

    One sunday morning as I was getting ready to jump into the shower Joe text me and asked if I was going to church. I had gotten up way too late to make it to church so I got Nixxon ready and sent her with my parents.

{j} Oh, after you shower would you want to go for a walk?

{m} No. I really think when we see each other it just needs to be our schedule we set up.

{j} Okay.

{m} She is the only reason we need to talk.

{j} Okay im sorry

{m} I don’t mind talking about Nixxon with you in  fact to  a point its nice to talk to you about her but she is the only thing tying us together at all.

{j} I know I understand that. [M] can I be honest with you

{m} go for it.

{j} I don’t feel comfortable with this situation and to be honest i'm worried that its going going to be more harmful to nixxon then helpful

{m} So you don’t want to be  involved?

{j} I didnt say that. But [M] the guardian ad litem,my bishop, my grandpa, my lawyer all gave me some advice. [M] i love Nixxon i truly do and all i want is what's best for her. but to be honest i dont feel that what we have done is what's best for her.

{m} So now you are going to appeal?

    This thought scared me. I was ready to turn the water on to shower but i was so scared that all  I could do was sit, curl up in a  ball and cry.  Luckily my whole family was at church so I could scream all that I needed to. I was so mad at him for  playing games with me  but  I was even more upset at myself. I knew I should have waited the few weeks to let him meet her because he could easily take us back to court and he had a chance of winning  since our guardian ad litem was so on his side. I sat there for a good 5 minutes just crying. Praying. Pleading with my Heavenly Father to make this not happen. Soon my phone went off again.

{j} No. Im not going to appeal but [M] I don't think I should see Nixxon or you anymore.

    God answered that prayer fast. Joe had  me so convinced he was going to appeal . I was so glad to hear that he wasn’t. I was a little relieved to see that he was choosing to not come around anymore. It would make mine and Nixxons life so much easier to move on.

{m} Thats just fine That is your choice. I respect that. But later like way later if she wants to meet you can I contact you? I mean when she is like 12 or older or do you want  this to be final?

{j} No of course she can meet me. whenever she wants to I will always always be there for her. I just do not feel that it is healthy for her and I get to know each other every once in a while when works for her.  I do not feel that it is a healthy way for Nixxon to get to know her father and I have a feeling it would lead to more harsh feelings that it would for us to wait till  she is a little older to understands the situation a little better. And when she is ready and has questions ill be ready with open loving arms and answers.

{m}Okay I have to say I agree with this choice. Thank you for doing what is best for her. One day she is going to thank you.

{j} I hope so. Can I ask one thing though

{m} yep

{j} Would you be okay with sending me a picture of her every year on her birthday. thats all i want is to at least see her grow.

{m} Im sure I can do that.

{j} Thank you [M] I want you to know I still have money saved for her and when she is ready and old enough she wont have to worry about paying for college or a mission if she chooses ill pay for both for her.

{m} thank you, I will let her know about that when the time comes.

{j} Same for you. I dont have much but i work hard for what i have and ill always be here if you ever need anything. Even just someone to talk to.

{m} thank you. Don’t worry I will keep taking good care of her she is my life.

{j} SHe is mine too I hope you understand im going to stay away from home but that doesnt mean i want to be away from you two i will always be here.

{m} I understand completely. Don’t worry about me I have lots of people who take care of  me and Nixx. Is there anything else you need to know about us or anything?

{j} No, just please let me know if you two move or change your number or anything.

{m}Same to you

{j} I will. Para siempre dios este con vos [M]. Bye.

    I was kinda shocked. It had only been about a week since he had met Nixxon and now he was backing out again. I could see why he was doing what he did, but at the same time Nixxon had met him and she liked him. Now he was gone, he walked away again. As a mother I couldn’t understand how you meet your child, and all you have to do is show up for two hours every other weekend and he couldn’t even do that. I was glad to see him choose to leave us alone but for Nixxon’s sake I was upset. She will one day learn that her “dad” met her and still didn’t stick around.

    As upset as I am about him doing this I know its best. I know one day I am going to get married and my husband is going to be her father. She is going to love him  just as much if not more because he is going to take her on as his own and he doesn’t have to. He will because he loves her. She won’t grow up a little confused about having just a part  time dad and a real dad. It is best for her. I know his decision was not easy to make. Well I sure hope it was for him. I still am amazed for his choice but it has been a huge blessing for our life, and will continue to be for years to come.

The real meeting

Before I knew it I was inviting Joe back into my house. I was trying so hard to act and look confident. After all I had just won our court case and I had what I wanted but I still was nervous to meet with Joe. I walked him back onto my porch to talk. I knew it would be a spot that we could openly talk and get everything out without feeling like my family was listening in. We both had things to say and things that probably were still a little tender to talk about and needed time to heal.

We sat down and it was a little awkward. A few days ago we were in a court room and now we were here trying to put everything in the past. I wish I could more clearly remember things from talking to him, but my mind was running at 400 MPH. I remember specific little things about the way he behaved about certain things and little things that were said so I apologize for pretty much a summary of what happened.

I remember Joe telling me how sorry he was that we both had to spend so much money on something we could have solved in a more civil way. I told him that I was now fine and was working on getting over it. I had sole custody of Nixxon and I would do whatever it took to get it and keep it. He then asked if he could ask me about what plans I had for Nixxon. I was fine with that. I am sure he wondered how I planned on handling situations that came up with her. I was glad to hear that he was worried about her.

He asked what plans I had for her and school. I can't say that I was expecting that one. She is only two and I can't say I have worried too much about schooling yet. I told him that I was looking at different pre-schools around my area. He asked about a college fund and I had one set up for a few months that I can put money in every once in a while to help pay for college. He told me how he has a bank account for her also and he will give it to her when she is old enough if it was alright with me. I really didn't have a problem with it. College is crazy expensive so any help is amazing. I just hope that he sticks with it and gives her it. He went off about how important school needs to be for her and it needs to be my priority for her. I agreed but at the same time she is two. She is a very intelligent kid. She amazes me every day. I told him how she would be starting dance classes in a few months though since she is not old enough for preschool just yet. He got really weird about it and said that he has seen shows about dance moms and stuff and as fun as those things are they should never come before school, he continued on this rant for a few minutes. I couldn't help but laugh in my head. He was acting like I had pulled Nixxon out of school to do dance classes everyday when she isn't old enough for preschool yet. I will always push the importance of school with her but she also needs extra curricular activities too.

He asked about what milestones she was at. I told him that she knew her ABC's and we were learning numbers. She loved the color purple and yellow. I said that she was finally starting to talk and it was fun.

Then he started talking about how he was going to be the dad who was going to be super protective of her because she was already beautiful and he needed to keep boys away from her. I laughed and said that she already had a boyfriend. A cute family friend of ours has a boy around her age and she “calls” him everyday and has conversations with him and its hilarious. He thought it was funny and told me that I wasn't aloud to have her date until she was 26 and I said that was fine with me.

He talked to me about his concern with me bringing guys around her a lot. I told him that I was pretty particular about who was brought around her. I had really only had 2 guys around her. When guys usually came to pick me up for a date Nixxon was there to tell me good bye but as far as her actually being around us I was careful because I didn't want to confuse her. I then asked him if he knew that I did have a boyfriend. His body language changed and he obviously had no idea from the look on his face. I explained that Landon also had a daughter and was really good about how he treated her. We talked about Landon a little more and how he was in the corrections academy.

We then started to talk about school and what each other was doing with it. I told him how I was going I was just taking a few classes at a time so I could still work and be a mom. He told me how he was going to be on a college track team this fall and wasn't sure what he was studying. But after I had mentioned how I wanted to be a police officer but didn't think I could do it after seeing what Landon had went through, Joe suddenly said he was kind of thinking about going through the academy too. I didn't really believe that too much.

Then he asked about her being adopted and having her sealed to me . I was honest with him that a big reason I wanted him to terminate his rights was so she could be sealed to me because she couldn't be sealed to both of us so I needed to do whatever it took to give her an eternal family. I explained about how I had a dream of having her sealed to me in the temple one night after praying about it and knew I had to do my best to make it happen and I knew also if he would do everything he was meant to do and treat Nixxon well somehow it would work out in the end for him.

As the conversations started to die off a little and there was more awkward silence I got brave and told him that I had made him a promise almost 6 months ago. I promised if he would willingly terminate his parental rights I would let him be involved with her on my terms, and I was keeping my word. I could tell he wasn't expecting it. I asked if that was something he would want to work on.

He put his head down and had to think for a minute. I told him I completely understood if he didn't want to. He said it wasn't a matter of want it was just if he felt it was best for her or not. He was afraid of her being afraid of him and what she would think of him. I told him he could think about it, we would just introduce him as Joe and not dad or anything like that. I said that she was down stairs and I would go get her if he wanted. It took him a minute and in the middle of a sentence he suddenly started to shake his head yes. I asked if he wanted me to get her and he said yes. I got up and walked down the stairs to grab my daughter so she could finally meet her biological father. My parents were a little shocked when I asked where she was. They said she was in the middle of pooping her diaper but they would bring her up after they changed her.

I walked back up the stairs and Joe was nervous. He was shaking his legs and his breathing was heavy. He looked at me funny as I came back with no Nixxon. I explained she was doing her business for a minute but she would be right there in a minute. I then looked him in the eye and said “Are you sure? If you do this I do not want you to back out on her again. I want you to stay committed to her.”

He said he would stay involved now. He wasn't sure how much he could be since he was moving but he would try as much as he could.

After that my mom was standing at the back door with Nixxon. I walked over and grabbed her hand and walked her out. She knew something was going on because she immediately hugged me and wouldn't let go. I pried her off of me and looked her in the eye and told her how I had a new friend for her to meet and his name was Joe. She looked at him then hugged me again hiding from him. I told her that I was not going to leave her and that he was okay to go talk to.

I walked her a little closer to Joe and introduced the two. Joe started to say hello to her and stopped when he started to say Nixxon but he couldn't spit her name out. He called her sweetie instead. He kept telling her how pretty she was. He started to pick out the features that she had gotten from him and the ones he had gotten from me. He was excited to finally meet his daughter.

I then asked him if he would like to give her the gifts that he had brought. I never gave them to her, I just kept them all together until I knew what to do with them. He said that he would love to give them to her. I took them both over to my garage and started to pull the bike, and bags of gifts, not to mention the pounds and pounds of candy. I told him I didn't think I should let her have the candy because it had sat by out spider sprays and had been in the heat so I didn't want hear eating it and he was fine with that.

I let him give her the gifts so she would come out of her shell a little and he could see the real Nixxon. It didn't take long at all. She loved it all. There was some silly string from Easter in one of the bags. They had a blast spraying me with it. She kept asking him to help her spray me. She was having fun and that was all that mattered. I let him get the toys out of the package and show her how they worked. They were instant best friends after that. The both had a little bond to each other. It was a bittersweet thing for me. I watched them interact together. Something kept telling me to take a picture of them. So I the creep that I am snuck one of them.

Joe also asked if he could give me his lucky peso from Mexico to give her when she was older. I said that was fine.

It was also bittersweet as we all played with the toys together. This was the first time all 3 of us had been together ever. It almost felt like a family. Before I let my emotions run wild with that thought Landon sent me a text just checking on me. He was my rock and reminded me that I had a great guy who was waiting for me and we both cared about each other a lot.

We all played for almost 2 hours. Joe decided it was time for him to take off. We talked about a schedule of when he could come visit Nixxon. I felt that every other weekend was good for about 2 hours. He said he would make sure to try and clear his schedule. He went to tell Nixxon good bye and gave her a hug goodbye. We walked him to his truck and waved to him as he drove away.

Having him there was hard. I wanted the past to be in the past though and to find peace with everything and I knew I had to give a little after he just gave so much. I hoped this would work out and not be a dramatic thing every time and I wanted Nixxon to enjoy it also.

Not long after he left Landon was asking me how it was. I didn't want to tell him that it was hard for me to see them get along so well and talk to him about how I was feeling because I didn't want him to feel like I still had a lot of feeling for Joe or anything. Landon was absolutely amazing about this situation. He could tell that I was holding back about it and told me that he was my other half now and I was okay to tell him how I felt. This moment when I read that text from him is a moment that I realized that I could trust him and talk to him about anything because of the way he talked about my feelings with me.

Not too long after that I got a text from Joe again.

{J} Thank you {M}

{M} Just dont hurt her.

{J} Shes an angel {M} Ill never hurt her.

{M} I hope we can stay on good terms

{J} Ill do whatever it takes. P.s. That peso is a ten piece peso. Its is the only one I had from my mission and ive literally had it with me everyday since I got home :p it kinda seems dumb but please make sure she keeps it. It has a lot of meaning to me.

{M} You gave me what I needed to move on and get real closure. I was true to what I said. Ill keep your peso safe for her. Don't worry I figured it was important.

{J}Thanks lol sorry I know its dumb but I promise {m} im going to do whatever it takes to make you and Nixxon happy.

{M} dont worry about me. Im happy. Ive never ever been so happy as I have in the last month. Just treat her the best you can and that is all you need to do.

{J}I will :) I do feel like I should just stay Joe for a while to her if that is okay with you.

{M}I think that is what is best for her.

{J} I agree but im about to hit the road so I will text you later.

{M} hey would you tell your family thank you for the gifts. She is enjoying them. Also thank you for them too.

{J} I just want to be there to tickle her tickle her right now and hear her laugh and voice and everything just melts my heart.

{M}She makes being a mom worth it for sure.

{J} She takes after you a lot.

{M} I wish. I see a lot of you in her.

{J} haha no I see a lot of you :) she totally has your cheeks, mouth, chin, squeal, laugh(thank goodness) and when she gets excited you both do the exact same thing :)

{M} We both do what?

{J} Haha you both get real excited shrug your shoulders out your hands up by your mouth get a big smile and get really gitty and squeal :) its really cute.

{M} I guess I never noticed, im sure she has watched me a lot.

He fell asleep after that. But for a few days we talked more. It was kind of nice to talk to my daughters biological father about her. It is something I never could talk to someone about in the same way. I could ask if he did certain things that Nixxon did and see more of how she is who she is.

Here is the picture I took of them the day they met.

Choices and Decisions

 It didn't take even take a week until Joe decided to text me again. Court was July 10^th and I got a text on July 12^th. I can't say I was really expecting it for once. My attorney advised me to leave him alone for at least a month. I had planned on letting Joe choose if he wanted to be involved with Nixxon or not since he had terminated his rights like I had asked. I was not completely opposed to him being a part of Nixxon's life just as long as I was in control of how much, when, and if it was doing more good than bad for her. I was planning about 4 weeks after court to contact him to find out if being a part of her life was something he was interested in. But here was Joe contacting me within a few days. I wasn't sure how to handle this.

{J} Hey I wanted to tell you this in person but I really am sorry things have went. I know I should have stepped up and been a man two years ago. Thank you for raising Nixxon so well and Im sorry I left you to do it alone. I trust you and know she will have a good life. I hope you find everything in life that you are looking for and I know you don't need my help but if you ever do need anything or Nixxon does im here. Maybe I will cya around.

{M} Joe I want to tell you thank you for what you did. I know it wasn't easy but you definitely did the best thing for Nixxon to give her the best life she can get. Thank you.

{J} I know you will work hard like you to give her the best life she can get. I couldn't wish for a better mother for my daughter. Thank you {M} for doing what you have done for Nixxon already means more to me than anything anyone has ever done for me. I respect you and admire you for everything you have done and who you are.

{M} Thank you that means a lot.

{J} Sorry to keep bothering you this will be the last time but I dont want there to be any hard feelings between us so if you want to one of these days when you have some free time I would love to just go for a short drive or a walk or something just to berry the hatchet. Only if you feel its appropriate though.

I was caught off guard by this. I didn't know exactly how to respond or what to think. It took me awhile to respond.

{J}Sorry I know it sounds weird I just want to apologize in person. I don't feel like a text does any justice. Then we can both move on.

I told him I would see when I could because I wasn't sure if I was mentally ready to face him again. Even though I had gotten what I needed from court emotions were still high and I wanted to wait a month like my attorney had mentioned so I thought maybe he would just forget about it. No not the case. By 1:30 the next morning I had a text asking if I was still awake. I woke up an hour later and for some dumb reason thought it was a great time to respond and ask what he needed.

{J} I didn't think you would be up this late but I was just wondering if we could go on that drive tomorrow slash today sometime maybe.

I can't say that I am the nicest person when I wake up dang early to text so excuse my rudeness.

{M} I think I am busy tomorrow.

{J} Thats okay, I know it was short notice. Im just moving and wont be around much anymore but we can work something out.

{M} How about you just come over later today about 4ish? I don't feel comfortable going for a ride honestly but my family can just stay down stairs or something.

I was about to face Joe face to face all over again. Even though the worst part of everything was over the anxiety was still there. Ex boyfriends are meant to stay in the past, and not to be such a big part of your life years after you break up. I was so nervous about what was going to be said and how things would play out. I debated for hours about if I should invite him to be apart of Nixxon's life. Then if he wanted to how much, and if he should meet her that day. I thought I would have a few weeks to think and pray about these things, but I only had a few hours and they are some big choices to make withing a matter of hours.

I told him to come over around 4:15, and at 4 that day I sat in my usually waiting spot. Sitting on my parents dryer, anxiously waiting for the sound of a truck to pull into my driveway. Right on time I heard the roar of the big yellow truck and I had but seconds to choose if he wanted to be involved and before I could make up my mind, there was a knock at my door.

The Final Courtdate

 The day before the big court date I did a lot of praying. Not just praying that I would win, but that things would go the way that they were meant to go. Praying that it all would not get heated and just run smoothly. My family had lots of family prayer together. Having my dad say the family prayers was very comforting coming from the priesthood holder of my family. The next day was either going to be one of the best days of my life, or one of my worst days. I can't say that I slept too well the night before. I just held Nixxon close and kept a prayer in my heart.

Joe had last text me a few days ago with a random question of how I felt about him as a person. If I thought of him as a good person or a bad one. I had absolutely no desire to feed into these childish questions of his. It really shouldn't matter how I thought of him. He should have cared more about how his family, himself, and how is daughter might have felt about him. He was not understanding that he was in my past and I very much intended for him to stay there.

I woke up that day. My stomach was in knots. I felt like crap. I was so stressed about what was going to happen within a few hours. I slowly put on my makeup trying to make myself look very professional and grown up. I tried to make sure my hair looked decent enough for a courtroom. I then put on the new skirt my grandma bought me to wear to court which, was very nice of her. I put on some very uncomfortable pumps gave Nixxon a hug and a kiss and my mom and I headed off to court.

For some reason our court was set like 30 miles away. Luckily it is the same place that my dad works so we were able to pick him up on our way. As we pulled up into the parking lot I was a nervous wreck. I was so fidgety, sweating more than a girl that dressed up should sweat, and not to mention a little on the nauseous side. I was sending Landon multiple texts as we waited to see if my lawyer pulled up. Sadly Landon was still in the academy and only got a few breaks a day so I didn't really get to hear much from him before all of this.

Our court time was inching closer and closer and my lawyer was still MIA. I finally called to make sure that I had the right time. As I talked to my lawyer I found out that I easily could have slept in another hour and been just fine. I am not exactly sure how I had gotten like 9:30 instead of 10:30. So now we were stuck 30 miles away from home for another hour. So we just drove around. My dad asked me if I wanted breakfast. Honestly I was starving. I knew that if I ate with such nerves that I was going to have the most angry tummy anyone had ever seen...or heard. So I passed on the breakfast.

I jokingly mentioned to my dad that we should find Landon's house. He asked if I remembered where he said he lived. I remembered him saying it was so many blocks away from a certain restaurant. So off we went to stalk my boyfriends house. Leave it to my parents and I to drive around just to see where my boyfriend sleeps and such. I think we could probably fit into a creeper status at this moment.

It didn't take us long to find his humble abode. It was cute too! Just a simple little house and it even had the fairytale picket fence to go along with it. My dad honestly circled it a few times which I was surprised he did. My parents were impressed that he owned this house and it looked like he took good care of it.

Before too long it was time to head back to the courthouse. The nerves all flowed back to me. Not long after we got back to the parking lot I got a call from my lawyers secretary saying that my lawyer was on his way but would probably be late. Hearing that made me even more nervous for everything. My parents and I decided not to get out of the car until we seen my lawyer show up. Before my lawyer showed up, Joe did. He was by himself. I had to give him credit for that. I mean here I was with my parents and I was also 20. Oh well I am glad I had my parents support 100% and they would not let me go through this alone. Joes mom showed up not too much later but that was it. That was all the support he had there for him.

Finally right on the dot my lawyer came whipping into the parking lot. Nearly perfect timing. We walked in with him just in case if Joe or his mom decided to approach us for any reason my lawyer was there to step into stop it. We went through security and headed up the stairs to the court rooms.

We sat in a waiting room area since it was juvenile court and only the case being heard was allowed in. We sat far enough away from Joe and his mom. Joe's mom couldn't help but to turn at glance for a moment, then turn back. We waited what seemed like forever when suddenly I noticed a women talking to Joe. Then that same lady motioned for my lawyer to come talk with her. Turns out that it was Nixxons Gardian Ad Litem, a fancy word for someone the courts say is looking out for Nixxons best legal interest, even though this lady never made an effort to learn of our situation or know who Nixxon even is. Seemed like she made an effort to talk to Joe though, just not the child she was representing or the mother of that child.

My lawyer went into a room with Joe's lawyer and this Guardian Ad Litem. When he came back he said that we needed to talk and had a very serious look on his face. I was a little concerned. We walked into a meeting room and sat down and prepared ourselves for the news that was about to be presented to us.

My lawyer started off by saying, “remember how I said these Guardians have way too much power in these cases?” My stomach couldn't have dropped any lower at this moment, she had just been over talking to Joe so he probably sweet talked her enough to convince her of something crazy. He went on to say that this Guardian wasn't sure she was okay letting Joe sign away his rights without someone stepping into his place, not that he had really had a place this whole time. He asked if it came down to the judge feeling the same way if my dad would take on the guardianship of Nixxon. Of course my parents were okay with that. They would do anything to keep Nixxon with us like she belongs.

We soon were entering the court room. Waiting to see what the judge had to say about all of this. My heart was pounding, my head was racing, my arm pits were freaking sweating like a waterfall, and I was trying to keep it all together. I sat next to my lawyer as court was called to order. We each had to introduce ourselves to the judge. Luckily my lawyer spoke for me because me saying my name would have probably came out as “ I am MIDfjskdfjslkfdjhdsjhkeieeooeoeo “ and he would have thought I was insane or on some crazy drugs and that is really all I needed at this moment.

The started off in so many legal terms that I had no idea what was going on. I was struggling just to decide who I needed to make eye contact with, the judge, or the Guardian. The judge had a little sence of humor so I decided to try to make contact with him. He make the feeling of the room not so serious and scary.

The biggest deal that was made was about paternity being established. No one had records of our paternity test being done! I for one could not be held responsible for this since I was never sent ANYTHING from the paternity test except a text from Joe which probably didn't hold very much credibility at the moment. With both lawyers agreeing that it had been established and promising to get it emailed as soon court was over they decided to make Joe Nixxon's legal father, and then have him sign it right away. Joe and his lawyer asked that we leave the room while Joe signed the paper because it was just too much for us to be in there. So we left, and stood in the waiting room again. It took a while for my lawyer to walk out. I wasn't sure what was going on for sure, it all had happened so fast.

He walked us down to a private room to discuss everything that had just happened. As we sat down my lawyer was like well it is all over you can breath pretty much. He explained what had just happened. He said Joe seemed a little bothered while signing away his rights but his mom took it way hard and it was probably good that we were not in the room. He reminded us not to “dance in the in zone” Joe still had two weeks that he could fight it again and appeal his decision and from the way the Guardian was that we probably should not rock the boat. That was fine I was just in shock that it was finally just over. It really was over. No more court battles, no need to deal with him if I didn't want to, no more attorney fees. Oh how we all felt the relief of those 7 long months.

Joe and his mom and lawyer stood right outside the only door for almost a half hour. Keeping us inside the courthouse. It was obvious that it was on purpose too. We just wanted to get home and hug Nixxon and they were in the way. Finally they moved a little further into the parking lot and we were able to get to our car and drive off.

This is when I was so glad because when the time came for me to get married, after a year Nixxon could be sealed to both of us in an LDS Temple for Time and all Eternity. This was something I had been concerned about for so long. I had a much better shot of having an Eternal Family and having my forever fairy tale. I had faith that my Heavenly Father was going to make this happen. It is what I had worked towards for so long and now it was possible.

I had a big date with Landon that night. We were going with my family to a rodeo, and I no longer had to hide the fact that we were together. I was ready to stop hiding from Joe and his family. Really this whole thing was over. I opened my facebook back up since I had blocked anyone I felt was “on Joe's side” if that is how you can put it. I was free again. I finally had my life back, or was starting a new life with MY daughter as MY own. I had an amazing boyfriend that I could now call mine and I was finally happy again. I had found that happiness I had been looking for in a long time.

My reminder that no matter what it takes I will get Nixxon through the temple and sealed to a family

Landon and I before the Rodeo

Nixxon and I the day after court at a parade

The "L" Word

Within a month of dating Landon I was hooked. This is a guy who seemed to like me as much as I liked him. I trusted him. I really cared for him. In fact about two or three weeks of being with him I may have let that lovely little L word slip. I won't deny things with him moved along pretty fast but it felt right.

About a week after our first date I had heard someone mention that Landon and I were together. We had not ever actually came out and mentioned that we were together or really told very many people that we were seeing each other. So when I heard this I was kind of shocked. I ended up bringing it up later that day. We both agreed that being together is something we both were very happy with. I mean come on we were darn cute together.

He was my support system as my final court date was coming closer. He made it so easy to talk to him about it and have an actual conversation about my fears and thoughts about all of it. I was so comfortable around him. I knew that I was falling for him and falling fast and it really scared me that I would end up heart broken all over again. I even mentioned this to him one day. I just looked at him and said that this was scary. He asked what was. So me being the awkward thing I am I said that we were either going to breakup or get married. I still remember him saying, “If we play our cards right everything is going to work out just fine”. I got a calm feeling after that.

One night as I was telling him goodbye for the week he was hugging me and I had this extremely strong feeling I needed to tell him that I loved him. I fought it because it had only been a few weeks into all of this, but not that feeling won. He suddenly stopped hugging me and asked if something was wrong. I just looked at him and sheepishly said, “I love you”.

“What was that?” he said

“ I love you” I repeated saying it a little more quiet because now I was embarrassed.

This is were I figured he was about to get in his car, and drive far away and I would never see him again because I just scared this guy off for good now.

He grabbed me again and held me tight and said at least we are both on the same track. Even though he didn't say it back I knew he was falling for me too and he wasn't going to say things that he didn't mean . That is all I needed. Still a little embarrassed but at least he knew how I felt.

Even though we were crazy about each other, and I wanted to show off the good looking man I now had we made a choice. We decided to keep things about us quiet until after court just so Joe wouldn't hear about it and change his mind about terminating his rights. Landon was super good about understanding my fears about that and was fine about not being too public about us. Court was coming sooner and sooner and now I had not just one thing to look forward on that day but I had two.

Serendipity

Serendipity: Fortunate Happenstance, Pleasant Surprise, an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident. Among the midst of all of this Joe drama I found my serendipity. I was never looking for what found me. I was to a point avoiding it. But when it finds you, you can't help but embrace it.

I will remember June 14, 2014 for a very long time now. It was the day my best friend {K} was moving back to town for a little while and asked me to help her move. She told me {H} was going to be there helping, {H} is someone I had been on a few dates with. Super sweet guy but Joe kind of got in the middle of it when things started to get somewhere with him. I hadn't talked to {H} since December. I was kind of hoping we would be able to talk and there was no hard feeling since I kinda just dropped the poor guy and had to deal with Joe. I was not looking for a date but I probably wouldn't have turned it down. I really had just hoped he didn't hate me for what had happened even though we were never “together” it was a few dates and that was about it.

When I got to {K}'s house her husband and {H} were loading things into the house. I wanted to talk to {k} because I had just heard back from a missionary that I had been writing, and recently asked that when he got back if we possibly could try to work things out. He told me that if things seemed right he didn't see why we couldn't try things out again. He wasn't making any promises but it was an option in about a year. I was pretty anxious to talk to her about it. So to a point I wanted to wait for this missionary but at the same time I didn't want to put my oh so exciting dating life on hold for a year just for a possibility of getting back together. This missionary is a great guy. Any girl who ends up with him is a lucky girl. Anyway, {H} did not even acknowledge me except for the awkward hi how are you we exchanged and continued to try to shove a couch through the doorway. Well there was that. {H} and I were not going to happen, got that answer. Now I could kind of focus more on this missionary.

My phone vibrated and it was a message from Face book. An old neighbor of mine was trying to talk to me. He was a few years older than me, he had moved away probably when I was in Jr. High honestly I really had never talked to him before and never really thought about him after he left. Just a neighbor that had moved. I opened the message and read “You're Daughter is stinking cute Mic(new name being called there by the way) Its been a long time how are you and your family?”

I looked at {K} and asked her if she remembered him. She didn't but her husband was a year younger than him he had kinda mentioned that he was a jerk in high school. I was a little hesitant to talk to him because of that. Plus I knew that he had a kid also and with my experience with guys with a kid it left a bad taste in my mouth. I decided to respond. I just wanted to see if he wanted something or what.

After a few messages we were talking about school. He asked what I was doing and I told him I wanted to go into criminal justice. Turns out he had just been accepted to the police academy. There was something in common, so we started to talk about that kind of stuff. I was still kind of hesitant because of the whole “jerk” comment but come on this guy was going to be a cop that was a HUGE plus on my scale right up my alley. I decided to keep talking to him and just see. He asked about Nixxon and her “dad” I kind of explained what had happened and what was going on. I told him I was actually scheduled for court in a week. I asked about his situation and he said that him and his daughters mother just didn't work out so he gets her like every other weekend.

He seemed decent and seemed pretty nice so I kept talking to him, and talking, and talking, before I knew it he gave me his number and had me text him. I didn't stop talking to him I liked him. But I was still unsure especially since I was kinda wanting me and the missionary to work out. But I did want to see where this went but I had a feeling it was just going to be a fling. He was going to loose interest in me here soon. That is what always happens.

After a week or two we started talking about CSI: Miami and how we both liked it. I was out for a ride with my family and of course I was texting him. One message scared the heck out of me. “Maybe we could hang out and watch CSI: Miami together?” I was amazed did this really cute soon to be cop just hint to hang out with me? Yes. Yes he did. So me being the overly socially awkward person I am do? Oh I just stop texting him. I knew my parents wouldn't let me, and I did not have three hours to make myself look like cute for him. We had talked about going on a date the next week so I just figured the date would be the whole awkward first date and I would spend way too long getting ready for the date. Then I got a text saying something like “I guess not haha” then I felt bad. I hinted to my parents and they were totally fine with him coming over. WHAT! That was a first for my parents. So I lied and was like “Oh sorry I didn't feel my phone but do you want to come over and we can watch CSI?”

I was about to meet this really good looking guy who seemed super mature and way out of my league. I was so scared I was freaking out trying to throw myself together and my house. He was only about a half hour drive away and that is not a lot of time to make myself look half decent. But he was just going to have to deal with it. I was just going to scare him off sooner that I thought.

I seen him walking up to my door and my heart was racing. I really had not seen this guy for years and now he was like interested in me, and he was feet away, and he was about to knock on my door. I could have passed out right then and there. When he did knock I took a breath and opened the door. Holy cow. This guy was once dang good looking guy. He pulled off a tee-shirt and ball cap off dang well. I invited him and told him my family wanted to meet him. So of course we were making smores and we made smores with him for an hour and it was fun my mom asked him about his mom and stuff and it was not too awkward. We went inside to watch CSI like we had planned. Well we never actually watched it. We spend hours talking about lots of things. Then he was like “Lets go for a walk” it was probably 1 am and he wanted to check out the neighborhood and how much it had changed. We walked around a few blocks for probably an hour. Just talking. We actually had a lot in common. It was nice to talk to a single parent too, even though he was kinda on the other side of what I was doing. But he had been through a court case too and told me kind of what to expect. I was not expecting this at all. I assumed he was going to be way too cool to keep talking to me. But he decided around 2:30 am he probably needed to get going. He looked at me and was like “so this is the awkward part” and put his arms out and I told him it was not awkward. Inside I was dying inside! He actually seemed interested in me! And he wanted to hug me!! We went in for it. Honestly it was the most awkward hug I've ever had. He was trying to do some where hug and I still don't know what happened. We both laughed about it,and then he said “ Are we still good to go out next week?” I told him of course.

This guy was amazing. He actually liked me and I really was starting to like him. As soon as he pulled away I walked inside and as soon as I shut the door all I could thing was “oh my gosh he is absolutely gorgeous”.

No one Mourns the Wicked

When someone is coming to terms that everything they have been working towards for months or even years, is not working out, it is pretty hard to deal with. When someone finally decides that they are wrong, and decides to do the complete opposite of what they were doing,even though it is going to look bad upon themselves they will probably justify it by placing the blame onto someone else. No one wants to look like the bad guy. No one likes to admit that they are wrong.

I recently reseen the musical Wicked, besides the fact that it is the absolute musical out there there is a song they sing called No One Mourns the Wicked. Parts of that song stick out to me so much when thinking about this experience I am going to share. The lyrics say “No one mourns the Wicked, No one cries they won't return, No one lays a lily on their grave, the good man scorns the Wicked, Through their lives our children learn, What we miss when we misbehave, And goodness knows the Wicked's lives are lonely Goodness knows The Wicked die alone, It just shows when you're Wicked you're left only on your own......”

One night I had just gotten home from a 12 hour shift at mu new job. I was tired and probably a little on the ornery side. I really was ready to just sit and relax with my family. As soon as I pulled into my driveway I noticed I had gotten texts from Joe one asking if I wanted to go hiking with him, after I told him point blank NO he sent back

“Alright well also my truck is due for an oil change so I'm gonna be changing the oil in it if you would like and if your car needs it I can show you how to change your oil”

“I've got my dad who already showed me” I replied back. I know I seem so mean but I had been getting these random texts at least once a day asking me to go with him when no matter what I said he kept asking and it was getting really annoying. Kind of comical at times but yet still annoying.

“Alright have a good weekend”

“I will”

My family decided to go with our new summer “thing” smores. As soon as we pulled out everything to make the smores and turned on the stove to roast the marshmallows I noticed I had another text from Joe.

{J}“Are you busy tomorrow?”
{M}“Yes”

{J}“Could you spare twenty minutes we need to talk”

{M}“About what”

{J}“Your deal”
{M}“What about it?”

{J}”I'll tell you tomorrow if you'll give me twenty minutes”

“Unless you wanna just talk now”

“So does that mean no?”

At this point I was kind of panicked. What was so important and what exactly was my deal?

{M} “Can you just call me?”

{J}”No I would rather talk in person”

{M} “I can meet with you tonight but my parents are here” I wanted my parents there. I was honestly a little nervous to be left alone with him for even twenty minutes.

{J}” That is okay I'm home alone but I don't want you to drive clear here so we can just go on a walk to the park or something”

{M}” No you can come sit on my porch and we can talk”

{J} “ Alright fair enough”

{M} “K”

{J} “I'm on my way”

Not again. I was about to meet with him face to face all over again. This gave me pretty bad anxiety. My mind was running at 1000000 MPH. We sent my sisters with Nixxon away from the house. My parents decided to sit right behind the porch in the living room which is the laundry room and has pretty perfect view of the sitting area and with the window open you can hear perfectly. We talked about what I would say if certain things were said, I also told them a safe word if I felt like he was actually going to hurt me. I couldn't put it past him at this point. I didn't plan on something that crazy to happen but it would not surprise me.

I sat in my laundry room waiting to see trucks headlights. This was the same feeling I felt a few months back waiting for him to show up to meet with me. Before I knew it here came headlights, and they were pulling into my driveway. I ran outside and sat in a chair and prepared my little self to act tough, even though inside I was pretty much wanting to cry. It took him a minute to get from his truck to get to the porch. I heard a door slam and waited what felt like forever. Soon he was in front of me and I told him to go ahead and sit down.

Our conversation was pretty much as follows to the best of my memory.

{m} “ So what do we need to talk about?”

{j}” Well I really don't like the way we have been acting and it isnt good for Nixxon to see us fight (totally meant how I was treating him and we fought over text messages not like Nixxon had a clue what was really happening)

{m} “okay and?”

{J} “I am going to go ahead and sign the termination of parental rights papers but I am going to have my lawyer draw them up.”

{m} “okay and what is the difference going to be between the two papers?”

{J} “ I just need to cover my bases and make sure that it is final and that you can not come after me for child support or anything like that”
{m} “That seems good to me I will have my lawyer ready for them”

Pretty much that was that. I was darn excited here was the end I was asking for. I was finally getting what I had asked for! As soon as he walked away I ran inside and my parents and I talked about it. We knew not to get too excited until we actually had the papers and could see if there was a big catch in there somewhere. We told my sisters to come back and we could hopefully rest a little bit.

Before I knew it I had another text from Joe. Here is our conversation(this is word for word right off of my phone, except for my personal thoughts as I was reading the texts)

{j}”Thanks for your time”

{m} “yep”

{j} “I'm sorry”

{m}” why?”

{j}” That things didn't go well between us. And that I wont ever get the chance to see my daughter till she's eighteen”

I decided not to respond he was just trying to make me feel bad and all that was going to happen was us fight again not long and here came another text.

{j}” [M] this will be the last time I talk to you except for when I have to for legal matters. But I want you to know how I feel. I know that I shouldn't feel this way [M] but I cant help it. But I hope Nixxon never forgives you for this. I hope she judges you as harshly as you are judging me.(Not judging in fact I was trying to forgive him but I needed my closure first) I'm sorry I truly am but there is nothing more I can do. I came home willingly (from his church mission which if you have a child you can NOT serve a mission in the first place so no he was sent home not willingly came home) to get this resolved [M]. I gave up everything( Really?????? You gave up EVERYTHING? I would love to make a list and compare who has given up since the day Nixxon was conceived because I am sure I have him beat by 10 miles. The only thing he gave up was the mission which he was never worthy to serve in the first place and I was not either so technically we are equal on that one) I've tried to make thigs work between us but you push me away. I've tried to be civil for Nixxons sake but you refuse to be civil back. I don't know why you dont want me to see my own daughter but I honestly have done everything I can do. I know I'm not perfect but no one is[M]. The Lord has seen my efforts he knows my heart and for that I do not fear the judgement. Good bye [M] I will see you in sixteen years”. ( No you will see me in a few weeks when we finally get this settled in court but nice try)

{m} “I have felt in my heart since day one that what I am trying to do is best for her. I have prayed about what I should do about you and her since the day I found out I was pregnant. I wanted closure on things so I could continue working on forgiving you. But you can be mad at me thats your choice. I dont have time or energy to be mad at you but I have to do what is best for my daughter”

{j} “You don't have to be mad at me [M] but you can still treat me like a human. [M] I don't believe the Lord would tell any willing dad that they shouldn't be with their daughter. And Nixxon is not a chore she is the sweetest blessing got has ever given to this world. I do know its hard being a single mom but I wish you would let me help you”

{m} “ I never said she was a chore at all there isnt a day I dont thank Heavenly Father but I am not going to argue”

{j} I dont want to either. But I do have one last question. Why not me?”

At this point I was mad. I was not even going to reply to that. I sent all of the messages to my lawyer even though it was almost 11 pm. My lawyer simply told me not to listen to him, he was only trying to send me on a guilt trip. He was right.

Joe knew he was done. He had messed up so bad in the past and there was no way to fix it at this point. He had to try to make me the bad guy in the situation. Making it all about him and not who I was worried about Nixxon. I did not want Nixxon dealing with this kind of fighting her whole life I had to do what I could to keep her out of this kind of situation. It had never been about getting back at him for the pain he had caused me. Yes the pain still hurt but if I felt Joe was needed in Nixxons life then I would let him be apart of it but I seen no benefit to him being apart of my little girls life at this point.

Now back to the Wicked song, Joe didn't want to be the wicked one and I am not saying he is wicked in anyway. Joe made some HUGE mistakes but he wanted to keep coming out looking like the good guy and smelling like a rose kinda like Glenda (the good witch) seems to do. No one wants to appear like Alphaba ( the wicked witch of the west). Nixxon and I wont mourn that he isn't a part of our lives, we won't cry if he wont return. Okay if he had a grave I probably would put a flower on it, I don't wish that upon him, I also don't need to scorn him, he knows he messed up but I cant just give him everything he is asking for there is consequences to our actions and he needed to learn that. Through my life and his I hope Nixxon learns lots of lessons about life and what we do miss when we misbehave. Now I also do not hope that Joe dies alone. I do hope he finds someone who makes him happy, he simply needs to realize that person is not me.

Joe was finally getting the point that he had messed up and he was going to suffer for what he did. We all have prices to pay for our mistakes. I had given up a Senior year, and all the little things that go with that, a normal college education, and the list goes on. I would not trade it obviously but it still had been a lot of sacrifice on my end. Joe might be sacrificing his chance to be a dad to Nixxon because he walked out for too long. Glenda sacrificed a friendship, Alphaba melted (haha) at the end things seem to work out even through the sacrifices and prices we pay for the choices we make.