Sometimes
things happen that you know are going to happen but they still totally
surprise you when they do. In a way you hope they are going to happen
but don’t want them to at the same time. Joe reminded me of this so many
times but mostly he did on July 20, 2014.
Once
again Joe decided to text me. I wasn’t sure how to handle Joe texting
me so frequently and being with Landon. Landon was understanding about
it but I really felt like we only need to be talking when it was about
Nixxon or him coming to visit. I really did not like all of the extra
conversations we were having but I wasn’t sure how to tell him with out
making him mad since he could appeal his choice to terminate for a few
more weeks. So I rolled with it for a while.
One
sunday morning as I was getting ready to jump into the shower Joe text
me and asked if I was going to church. I had gotten up way too late to
make it to church so I got Nixxon ready and sent her with my parents.
{j} Oh, after you shower would you want to go for a walk?
{m} No. I really think when we see each other it just needs to be our schedule we set up.
{j} Okay.
{m} She is the only reason we need to talk.
{j} Okay im sorry
{m}
I don’t mind talking about Nixxon with you in fact to a point its
nice to talk to you about her but she is the only thing tying us
together at all.
{j} I know I understand that. [M] can I be honest with you
{m} go for it.
{j}
I don’t feel comfortable with this situation and to be honest i'm
worried that its going going to be more harmful to nixxon then helpful
{m} So you don’t want to be involved?
{j}
I didnt say that. But [M] the guardian ad litem,my bishop, my grandpa,
my lawyer all gave me some advice. [M] i love Nixxon i truly do and all i
want is what's best for her. but to be honest i dont feel that what we
have done is what's best for her.
{m} So now you are going to appeal?
This
thought scared me. I was ready to turn the water on to shower but i was
so scared that all I could do was sit, curl up in a ball and cry.
Luckily my whole family was at church so I could scream all that I
needed to. I was so mad at him for playing games with me but I was
even more upset at myself. I knew I should have waited the few weeks to
let him meet her because he could easily take us back to court and he
had a chance of winning since our guardian ad litem was so on his side.
I sat there for a good 5 minutes just crying. Praying. Pleading with my
Heavenly Father to make this not happen. Soon my phone went off again.
{j} No. Im not going to appeal but [M] I don't think I should see Nixxon or you anymore.
God
answered that prayer fast. Joe had me so convinced he was going to
appeal . I was so glad to hear that he wasn’t. I was a little relieved
to see that he was choosing to not come around anymore. It would make
mine and Nixxons life so much easier to move on.
{m}
Thats just fine That is your choice. I respect that. But later like way
later if she wants to meet you can I contact you? I mean when she is
like 12 or older or do you want this to be final?
{j}
No of course she can meet me. whenever she wants to I will always
always be there for her. I just do not feel that it is healthy for her
and I get to know each other every once in a while when works for her.
I do not feel that it is a healthy way for Nixxon to get to know her
father and I have a feeling it would lead to more harsh feelings that it
would for us to wait till she is a little older to understands the
situation a little better. And when she is ready and has questions ill
be ready with open loving arms and answers.
{m}Okay I have to say I agree with this choice. Thank you for doing what is best for her. One day she is going to thank you.
{j} I hope so. Can I ask one thing though
{m} yep
{j} Would you be okay with sending me a picture of her every year on her birthday. thats all i want is to at least see her grow.
{m} Im sure I can do that.
{j}
Thank you [M] I want you to know I still have money saved for her and
when she is ready and old enough she wont have to worry about paying for
college or a mission if she chooses ill pay for both for her.
{m} thank you, I will let her know about that when the time comes.
{j}
Same for you. I dont have much but i work hard for what i have and ill
always be here if you ever need anything. Even just someone to talk to.
{m} thank you. Don’t worry I will keep taking good care of her she is my life.
{j}
SHe is mine too I hope you understand im going to stay away from home
but that doesnt mean i want to be away from you two i will always be
here.
{m}
I understand completely. Don’t worry about me I have lots of people who
take care of me and Nixx. Is there anything else you need to know
about us or anything?
{j} No, just please let me know if you two move or change your number or anything.
{m}Same to you
{j} I will. Para siempre dios este con vos [M]. Bye.
I
was kinda shocked. It had only been about a week since he had met
Nixxon and now he was backing out again. I could see why he was doing
what he did, but at the same time Nixxon had met him and she liked him.
Now he was gone, he walked away again. As a mother I couldn’t understand
how you meet your child, and all you have to do is show up for two
hours every other weekend and he couldn’t even do that. I was glad to
see him choose to leave us alone but for Nixxon’s sake I was upset. She
will one day learn that her “dad” met her and still didn’t stick around.
As
upset as I am about him doing this I know its best. I know one day I am
going to get married and my husband is going to be her father. She is
going to love him just as much if not more because he is going to take
her on as his own and he doesn’t have to. He will because he loves her.
She won’t grow up a little confused about having just a part time dad
and a real dad. It is best for her. I know his decision was not easy to
make. Well I sure hope it was for him. I still am amazed for his choice
but it has been a huge blessing for our life, and will continue to be
for years to come.
Joe's just an immature kid who doesn't really know what he wants. I get it: He is just a kid himself, and he's dealing with the social pressures (parents, religion) to act responsible. But he's clearly not. He went through the motions to satisfy himself and everyone else that he's doing the right thing.
ReplyDeleteMake sure you get a financial commitment from him and don't let him pressure you into backing down by threatening an appeal. He's obviously manipulative.
I am not sure why Joe decided to meet Nixxon then just walk away again. On his part it was not the best choice and I do think a lot of it was because of pressure from his family.
DeleteWhen I asked Joe to terminate his rights to Nixxon I told him it would all be on my terms when I felt it was okay for him to visit and if I felt like it was harming Nixxon then I would put an end to it. I also told him he would not be financially obligated to her in anyway because I all that I wanted was sole custody of Nixxon and I didn't need financial help from him.
He is out of the picture now and has been for almost 4 months now. He can't threaten an appeal now because he only had 10 days after court and then it was final and no turning back. He is has been nice when we contact each other. He can't control my life anymore or manipulate me anymore and it is great.
I hope it works out Myranda, for both you and Nixxon. I'm mentioning the financial obligation for good reason: Raising a child is very expensive, which explains the declining birthrates in the middle and upper-middle class segments of our society. I do fairly well by most standards, but I know that in a half-dozen or so years my son will want college which will result in mortgaging my house (yet again). And that is with the benefit of an ex-wife who, though greedy, will undoubtedly contribute to his tuition.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is too late to ask, as it sounds like it was quid pro quo in terms of terminating his rights as a parent... but it would have been great to force him to set aside a couple of hundred every month in a trust account for the benefit of Nixxon, to be released to her when she reaches the age of 18.
Anyway, I'm sure you did the right thing and I hope it works out for you, Nixxon and Landon.
If I wanted his rights terminated then I could not ask for money. Terminating his rights means he has absolutely no ties to her financially or physically. Now even though he acts as if he cares I am sure not going to ask him for any money unless medically it was necessary. We have cut ties almost completely. I understand raising a child can be expensive, that is why I have been working two jobs and budget really well. I know if I ever needed money my parents are there to help me out. As for now a little from each pay check goes into her savings account to help when college comes along.
DeleteOne thing you must realize is that men/boys don't become dads overnight (physically, yes, but emotionally not so much). Mom's have the benefit of being pregnant and bonding with the child for months before the baby is even born; giving them an even bigger head start considering their natural maternal instincts which develop from a very tender age in girls. Boys mature on this level much slower than we do. Even after the baby is born men don't become dads instantly. It is position that grow into as the child matures. Joe has long distanced himself from his child, but when his conscience caught up with him, I truly believe he is doing what he believes is best even if it baffles you a little. Just remember, you must forgive him just as you expect your Heavenly Father to forgive your mortal trespasses. I sincerely hope that Nixxon will only be told good things about her biological father and that you will honour his name in front of his daughter at all costs. Do not cultivate any misgivings in her little mind and speak of him as you would hope he will do of you. You are married now to Landon (who loves Nixxon very much), but even so, she is not his flesh and blood and she deserves to know that. I do know that you are doing everything in your power to give her a normal upbringing in less than ideal circumstances, but it is good to be reminded not to give in to our fleshly desires to bring vengeance on someone who has hurt or harmed you... For in His Word the Lord says: "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19
ReplyDeleteSo even if you truly believe Joe's past or current conduct is worthy of judgement, remember that God who is the only True Judge sees all things and will execute judgement where necessary.
However, after reading through all your posts, I truly believe that Joe (after he came to his senses) has done what he believes to be best for Nixxon as per your request to terminate his rights to her. You have very actively made it plain to him that you do not welcome his involvement (even if you may secretly long for the contrary). You should not be surprised at him distancing himself from you and his daughter because this is what you have been asking him to do all along...
Wishing you and your family much blessing and grace,
Amy
I have written letters to her, and explained every part of the process of how things have gone. I plan on letting her know the truth about everything. There is no need to hide anything that has happened or where she came from. I have no need to degrade Joe but also not sugar coat the truth. I for the most part have forgiven Joe. Wounds of abandonment on many levels can take a while to heal.
DeleteI have written letters to her, and explained every part of the process of how things have gone. I plan on letting her know the truth about everything. There is no need to hide anything that has happened or where she came from. I have no need to degrade Joe but also not sugar coat the truth. I for the most part have forgiven Joe. Wounds of abandonment on many levels can take a while to heal.
DeleteDearest Michaela,
DeleteThank you for writing back - I kind of though my words may be quite difficult to accept considering I am not in your position. Yes, there is no need to tell it other than how the reality played out.
Just like when God forgives us for terrible things we do, we carry the scars (consequences) with us for the rest of our lives. However, our Heavenly Father has an amazing ability to redeem even the most far reaching consequences, and this, He has brought to pass in your, Nixxon and her father's lives. This is made apparent in how it all worked out for all of you (including Landon and his daughter).
I just cannot help but feel some pity for Jake. He truly is doing what he feels is best, and trusts that you know what is best for Nixxon that he should not be involved in Nixxon's life. I think he feels what he has done in the past has disqualified him from EVER being a good influence in Nixxon's life and even though he has repented of his former conduct, he still considers himself an unsuitable father... Please do not withhold Nixxon from him - she is his flesh and blood after all which you bore.
I would like to wish you and Landon the Lord's grace and peace in your marriage. May it be a blessed and fruitful union all the days of your lives. May Jake also find a wonderful spouse...
With much love from a sunny South Africa!
Amy (a fellow wife and mother in Christ Jesus)
Just noticed that I refereed to Joe as "Jake" in my comment above for some reason. Probably because my husband and I were chatting to our family friend Jake this morning ;-p OOPS so sorry - my bad!!!
DeleteI have thought for a long time of how to handle this and the best way i felt to go about it is I will let her meet him if/when she is old enough to understand and if she chooses too. I just want her to be old enough and mature enough to understand why things happened the way they did. But I completely understand she may have to see where she came from. As long as I can contact him in the future that is the plan.
DeleteI was slightly confused by the name switch haha. Thank you for your comments I really do appreciate it.
I have thought for a long time of how to handle this and the best way i felt to go about it is I will let her meet him if/when she is old enough to understand and if she chooses too. I just want her to be old enough and mature enough to understand why things happened the way they did. But I completely understand she may have to see where she came from. As long as I can contact him in the future that is the plan.
DeleteI was slightly confused by the name switch haha. Thank you for your comments I really do appreciate it.
Thank you for your heartfelt blog, as well as replying on my comments...
ReplyDeleteI understand your thinking with respect to Nixxon being older and able to properly grasp the situation.
My dad was mostly separated from his father during his formative years (through divorce, sadly) and it heartbreaking seeing the sadness in my father when he retells how much he wishes he had more opportunity to really bond with his father. My father's grandfather stood in as a father-figure for my dad and his sister and as my Dad says: "Praise the Lord for my grandfather - had he not been there I might never have realized how important it is to be a son to my father." I think Landon fur-fills the same roll in Nixxon's life.
Although my father's father would be considered by many as the "absent" type of dad - he truly did care for all his children. It is just that he drifted apart from their lives slowly over the years - and I guess neither truly knew how to go about repairing this. Personally, I think he considered himself disqualified from being a good father for leaving them and their mother. When my father came to realize in his early thirties just how much he longed to have that father-son relationship he slowly started building a relationship over the last few years of my grandfather's life. Tragically, my grandfather pasted away three years ago and my father has said on numerous occasions it was the hardest thing he has ever been through and continues to be to this day.
I strongly believe that regardless of the status of your relationship with your child's father; your child cannot be withheld the opportunity to form a relationship or at least contact with their father. I am speaking of all children growing up without their fathers.
Joe has distanced himself from his daughter, but this is probably because he trusts your judgement for what is best for his daughter. She may be too young for this, but maybe she can send him a picture on his birthday or something?
Nixxon may realize too late just how important a relationship with her real father will be.
From what I can tell from your blog, you and your father have a strong father-daughter relationship. Now imagine having to go through what you did with your pregnancy and Joe's abandonment and denial without your father's support? Things may never have worked out as well as they did if your relationship with your father was not intact... Please, please realise that nobody can replace Joe in Nixxon's life. Landon is an amazing father-figure and probably cares for her like his own child, but Nixxon is Joe's offspring.
Do you still contact Joe on Nixxon's birthday with a picture of her? Perhaps before Nixxon becomes too old, tell her that Joe is her father, just like Paisley (is this correct) knows who her mother is. If Nixxon grows up thinking that Landon is her biological father, she may be utterly confused (maybe even angry) if she discovers or is told that he is not in fact her biological father. At her current age she can still accept without too much ado that Joe is her father and that Landon is her father-figure. I am sure you have thought this through very thoroughly already, but what are your thoughts on this?
Regardless whether considered good or bad, a father remains a father...
Love and blessings!
Oh, and if it comes to that, always reassure Nixxon that in separating himself from her, Joe is doing it because he believes it is in her best interest. A child's outlook on life and the people around them is formed ENTIRELY by their parents. I am sure you know this. Even IF Joe's past conduct does not deserve his daughter thinking well of him, it is truly not worth the pain it will cause to her to know these things...
ReplyDeleteI really am sorry if my comments offended you or made you uncomfortable in any way. This was not the intention, but rather an effort to (if possible) encourage you to accept and forgive Joe for who and what he was and is. I know I am not in your shoes, but everything I have said has been with the best of intentions.
ReplyDeleteCan I also just say one more thing? Joe never had an example of how to be a good father from his own father, and this would have been to his great disadvantage in his journey towards acknowledging his daughter. I also cannot help but believe that his efforts to reconcile with you and his daughter were truly sincere!
I will part here with wishes of blessing, grace and peace for you and Landon and your little daughters. Also for Joe - I hope things work out as well for him as they did for you...
Dear Michaela,
ReplyDeleteHello again!
So excited that you and Landon are expecting your first child together. God has richly blessed your family! Wishing you a wonderful pregnancy and safe delivery.
P.S. Can I ask you a big favour? Could you please remove all my comments above and this one? I would really appreciate that...