The real meeting

Before I knew it I was inviting Joe back into my house. I was trying so hard to act and look confident. After all I had just won our court case and I had what I wanted but I still was nervous to meet with Joe. I walked him back onto my porch to talk. I knew it would be a spot that we could openly talk and get everything out without feeling like my family was listening in. We both had things to say and things that probably were still a little tender to talk about and needed time to heal.

We sat down and it was a little awkward. A few days ago we were in a court room and now we were here trying to put everything in the past. I wish I could more clearly remember things from talking to him, but my mind was running at 400 MPH. I remember specific little things about the way he behaved about certain things and little things that were said so I apologize for pretty much a summary of what happened.

I remember Joe telling me how sorry he was that we both had to spend so much money on something we could have solved in a more civil way. I told him that I was now fine and was working on getting over it. I had sole custody of Nixxon and I would do whatever it took to get it and keep it. He then asked if he could ask me about what plans I had for Nixxon. I was fine with that. I am sure he wondered how I planned on handling situations that came up with her. I was glad to hear that he was worried about her.

He asked what plans I had for her and school. I can't say that I was expecting that one. She is only two and I can't say I have worried too much about schooling yet. I told him that I was looking at different pre-schools around my area. He asked about a college fund and I had one set up for a few months that I can put money in every once in a while to help pay for college. He told me how he has a bank account for her also and he will give it to her when she is old enough if it was alright with me. I really didn't have a problem with it. College is crazy expensive so any help is amazing. I just hope that he sticks with it and gives her it. He went off about how important school needs to be for her and it needs to be my priority for her. I agreed but at the same time she is two. She is a very intelligent kid. She amazes me every day. I told him how she would be starting dance classes in a few months though since she is not old enough for preschool just yet. He got really weird about it and said that he has seen shows about dance moms and stuff and as fun as those things are they should never come before school, he continued on this rant for a few minutes. I couldn't help but laugh in my head. He was acting like I had pulled Nixxon out of school to do dance classes everyday when she isn't old enough for preschool yet. I will always push the importance of school with her but she also needs extra curricular activities too.

He asked about what milestones she was at. I told him that she knew her ABC's and we were learning numbers. She loved the color purple and yellow. I said that she was finally starting to talk and it was fun.

Then he started talking about how he was going to be the dad who was going to be super protective of her because she was already beautiful and he needed to keep boys away from her. I laughed and said that she already had a boyfriend. A cute family friend of ours has a boy around her age and she “calls” him everyday and has conversations with him and its hilarious. He thought it was funny and told me that I wasn't aloud to have her date until she was 26 and I said that was fine with me.

He talked to me about his concern with me bringing guys around her a lot. I told him that I was pretty particular about who was brought around her. I had really only had 2 guys around her. When guys usually came to pick me up for a date Nixxon was there to tell me good bye but as far as her actually being around us I was careful because I didn't want to confuse her. I then asked him if he knew that I did have a boyfriend. His body language changed and he obviously had no idea from the look on his face. I explained that Landon also had a daughter and was really good about how he treated her. We talked about Landon a little more and how he was in the corrections academy.

We then started to talk about school and what each other was doing with it. I told him how I was going I was just taking a few classes at a time so I could still work and be a mom. He told me how he was going to be on a college track team this fall and wasn't sure what he was studying. But after I had mentioned how I wanted to be a police officer but didn't think I could do it after seeing what Landon had went through, Joe suddenly said he was kind of thinking about going through the academy too. I didn't really believe that too much.

Then he asked about her being adopted and having her sealed to me . I was honest with him that a big reason I wanted him to terminate his rights was so she could be sealed to me because she couldn't be sealed to both of us so I needed to do whatever it took to give her an eternal family. I explained about how I had a dream of having her sealed to me in the temple one night after praying about it and knew I had to do my best to make it happen and I knew also if he would do everything he was meant to do and treat Nixxon well somehow it would work out in the end for him.

As the conversations started to die off a little and there was more awkward silence I got brave and told him that I had made him a promise almost 6 months ago. I promised if he would willingly terminate his parental rights I would let him be involved with her on my terms, and I was keeping my word. I could tell he wasn't expecting it. I asked if that was something he would want to work on.

He put his head down and had to think for a minute. I told him I completely understood if he didn't want to. He said it wasn't a matter of want it was just if he felt it was best for her or not. He was afraid of her being afraid of him and what she would think of him. I told him he could think about it, we would just introduce him as Joe and not dad or anything like that. I said that she was down stairs and I would go get her if he wanted. It took him a minute and in the middle of a sentence he suddenly started to shake his head yes. I asked if he wanted me to get her and he said yes. I got up and walked down the stairs to grab my daughter so she could finally meet her biological father. My parents were a little shocked when I asked where she was. They said she was in the middle of pooping her diaper but they would bring her up after they changed her.

I walked back up the stairs and Joe was nervous. He was shaking his legs and his breathing was heavy. He looked at me funny as I came back with no Nixxon. I explained she was doing her business for a minute but she would be right there in a minute. I then looked him in the eye and said “Are you sure? If you do this I do not want you to back out on her again. I want you to stay committed to her.”

He said he would stay involved now. He wasn't sure how much he could be since he was moving but he would try as much as he could.

After that my mom was standing at the back door with Nixxon. I walked over and grabbed her hand and walked her out. She knew something was going on because she immediately hugged me and wouldn't let go. I pried her off of me and looked her in the eye and told her how I had a new friend for her to meet and his name was Joe. She looked at him then hugged me again hiding from him. I told her that I was not going to leave her and that he was okay to go talk to.

I walked her a little closer to Joe and introduced the two. Joe started to say hello to her and stopped when he started to say Nixxon but he couldn't spit her name out. He called her sweetie instead. He kept telling her how pretty she was. He started to pick out the features that she had gotten from him and the ones he had gotten from me. He was excited to finally meet his daughter.

I then asked him if he would like to give her the gifts that he had brought. I never gave them to her, I just kept them all together until I knew what to do with them. He said that he would love to give them to her. I took them both over to my garage and started to pull the bike, and bags of gifts, not to mention the pounds and pounds of candy. I told him I didn't think I should let her have the candy because it had sat by out spider sprays and had been in the heat so I didn't want hear eating it and he was fine with that.

I let him give her the gifts so she would come out of her shell a little and he could see the real Nixxon. It didn't take long at all. She loved it all. There was some silly string from Easter in one of the bags. They had a blast spraying me with it. She kept asking him to help her spray me. She was having fun and that was all that mattered. I let him get the toys out of the package and show her how they worked. They were instant best friends after that. The both had a little bond to each other. It was a bittersweet thing for me. I watched them interact together. Something kept telling me to take a picture of them. So I the creep that I am snuck one of them.

Joe also asked if he could give me his lucky peso from Mexico to give her when she was older. I said that was fine.

It was also bittersweet as we all played with the toys together. This was the first time all 3 of us had been together ever. It almost felt like a family. Before I let my emotions run wild with that thought Landon sent me a text just checking on me. He was my rock and reminded me that I had a great guy who was waiting for me and we both cared about each other a lot.

We all played for almost 2 hours. Joe decided it was time for him to take off. We talked about a schedule of when he could come visit Nixxon. I felt that every other weekend was good for about 2 hours. He said he would make sure to try and clear his schedule. He went to tell Nixxon good bye and gave her a hug goodbye. We walked him to his truck and waved to him as he drove away.

Having him there was hard. I wanted the past to be in the past though and to find peace with everything and I knew I had to give a little after he just gave so much. I hoped this would work out and not be a dramatic thing every time and I wanted Nixxon to enjoy it also.

Not long after he left Landon was asking me how it was. I didn't want to tell him that it was hard for me to see them get along so well and talk to him about how I was feeling because I didn't want him to feel like I still had a lot of feeling for Joe or anything. Landon was absolutely amazing about this situation. He could tell that I was holding back about it and told me that he was my other half now and I was okay to tell him how I felt. This moment when I read that text from him is a moment that I realized that I could trust him and talk to him about anything because of the way he talked about my feelings with me.

Not too long after that I got a text from Joe again.

{J} Thank you {M}

{M} Just dont hurt her.

{J} Shes an angel {M} Ill never hurt her.

{M} I hope we can stay on good terms

{J} Ill do whatever it takes. P.s. That peso is a ten piece peso. Its is the only one I had from my mission and ive literally had it with me everyday since I got home :p it kinda seems dumb but please make sure she keeps it. It has a lot of meaning to me.

{M} You gave me what I needed to move on and get real closure. I was true to what I said. Ill keep your peso safe for her. Don't worry I figured it was important.

{J}Thanks lol sorry I know its dumb but I promise {m} im going to do whatever it takes to make you and Nixxon happy.

{M} dont worry about me. Im happy. Ive never ever been so happy as I have in the last month. Just treat her the best you can and that is all you need to do.

{J}I will :) I do feel like I should just stay Joe for a while to her if that is okay with you.

{M}I think that is what is best for her.

{J} I agree but im about to hit the road so I will text you later.

{M} hey would you tell your family thank you for the gifts. She is enjoying them. Also thank you for them too.

{J} I just want to be there to tickle her tickle her right now and hear her laugh and voice and everything just melts my heart.

{M}She makes being a mom worth it for sure.

{J} She takes after you a lot.

{M} I wish. I see a lot of you in her.

{J} haha no I see a lot of you :) she totally has your cheeks, mouth, chin, squeal, laugh(thank goodness) and when she gets excited you both do the exact same thing :)

{M} We both do what?

{J} Haha you both get real excited shrug your shoulders out your hands up by your mouth get a big smile and get really gitty and squeal :) its really cute.

{M} I guess I never noticed, im sure she has watched me a lot.

He fell asleep after that. But for a few days we talked more. It was kind of nice to talk to my daughters biological father about her. It is something I never could talk to someone about in the same way. I could ask if he did certain things that Nixxon did and see more of how she is who she is.

Here is the picture I took of them the day they met.