A few days after that, my little secret pretty much got out to everyone. I told Joe that everyone knew and was asking about it. He told me to just deny it and dont say anything. I was mad...I would be the one who would look like an idiot for lying about it then be the one waddling around like an elephant in a few months. I mean i am 82 pounds and not even 5 feet tall people will notice pretty soon .I ignored his "advice" and took responsibility for what was going on. I knew I made a mistake and lying about it wasnt going to make the situation any better. I made a decision that even though my circumstances were not ideal for having a baby, well I was going to make the best of it. No one was going to make me feel like this baby was going to be a mistake, or an accident. I knew for some reason I was going to have this baby this early in life for who knows why but all I knew is that I wasnt going to let being pregnant at 17 stop me from being happy and making the best out of it. No matter what a baby is a blessing no matter how they get here.
I went to my first doctors appointment, I had a legit pregnancy test, it came out positive, blood work done, I was healthy and had no STD's ( figured I didnt haha). I was asked if I wanted to test the baby for some kind of disorders or something and I said no because they cant change it if the baby has it anyway and no needle is going into my belly button anytime soon. I found out my due date was right on with the day I knew the baby was conceived. I was also able to hear my babies heart beat for the first time. It took the doctor a minute to hear it, but when he finally did, one of the highlights of the pregnancy! My mom started to cry, and so did I. It made it feel a little more real and made the rumors worth it just a little more! Yet I had wished Joe was there to hear it with me, but his cross country was more important.
I called him on the way home, he didnt sound too interested when I told him that the nurse gave me a gift, when she heard that I was only 17. Then when I told him that I said no to the tests...He screamed at me over the phone, my mom could hear it and was so mad that he yelled at me over something like that. He had the nerve to call me stupid, when he couldn't man up and come to the doctors with me. He was starting to act really funny about all of it.
Soon I started hearing rumors that Joe was saying that he wasnt the father of my baby, and everytime I texted him well I got no response or he beat around the bush. We finally decided to talk one day after school. He bluntly said he didnt think this baby was his, and wanted me to stop telling people it was his. I could not believe he was saying that after him telling me a few weeks before that we should get married and we were going to be a family soon. We sat there and yelled in the gym, and honestly I cant remember half the stuff we screamed at each other, all I remember is I asked if it even was his child if he wanted to be involved. He stopped, thought for a second, and said "actually no I dont, I have lots of colleges looking at me right now for scholarships and a baby will ruin it all, plus you were easy enough to sleep with me, I am sure you were easy enough to sleep with everyone else." I just turned around to walk out. He yelled for me to come back and I kept walking and he grabbed the handle on my bag and pulled me back and said " I am not done talking to you", and I said "well I am done talking to you, and get your hands off me!" and walked out of that gym, ran to my best friends and just started bawling trying to tell them what had just happened.
I never thought any of those things would come out of his mouth. Most of all I could not believe he called me easy. He must of forgot the detail that we had dated for almost 4 years, and always told me that we would get married so it was okay. Its funny how some guys can easily forget the past when it is convenient for them.
I started going to some counseling for some of the things I was dealing with at LDS family services. During the counseling I got a few texts and calls from Joe saying " I need to talk to you tomorrow. it will be quick I just need to tell you what is going to happen if this doesnt stop" I asked if what doesnt and he said " you and your parents telling people its mine"I told him we knew it was his and he knew it too, but my family and I knew he wanted nothing to do with us so we were done with him and didnt need anything from him so it was over. He said he didnt believe it and called me a liar so my mom had had enough with him so she texted him and told him to come to my house the next day to talk about it.
He had no idea that we had my bishop there in case he said something and we could have a witness. So he was very shocked when he walked in and seen my bishop standing there. To sum up the long like hour meeting, Joe basically said that he wanted a paternity test that week ( I was like 12 weeks) and we explained that can harm the baby this early and were not willing to do that. He said he didnt care if it hurt the baby or not, because he was sure it wasnt his and was sick of his name being dirtied, and wanted a public apology for us lying about it. Oh he also said that he had been going through so much because of all of this....I flipped out because I gave up dancing, pretty much any social life I had, my schooling plans, my career plans, and knew dating was over for a while, but he is still doing all the sports he can, getting scholarships, and already had a new girlfriend by now, but he had given up soooo much...Yeah right!. My parents went on to tell him that we didnt need anything from him, he just needed to drop it and move on and we wouldnt come after him for money or anything, just to leave us alone.
This was hard on me , here I am like 3 months pregnant and watching the guy I loved walk right out of my life and deny it all, and break every promise he had ever made. I cried my self to sleep a little bit every night because it felt like my life was falling apart more and more everyday. I knew I shouldnt cry and feel bad about it though because I had been warned about this happening and it was part of the consequences I was getting for getting into things I wasnt ready for, all I could think was a quote i seen on FB saying " Sex wont make him love you, and a baby wont make him stay" That was the theme of my life.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Chapter 3- When its rains..well it pours
I finally realized that it was time for me to start getting ready for this baby. First thing I needed to do was talk to my bishop. I told Joe that I was going to talk to mine and he said he would talk to his. I talked to mine and he said it would be best if the guy was there to tell my parents. So I told Joe it was time to get real and we needed to plan a day to tell my parents. I honestly waited like 2 more weeks for him to work the nerve up to tell my parents ...well guess what He never did. He put it off and put it off and made every excuse he could. I just decided that I needed to just grow up for the both of us and tell my parents, even if I had to do it alone.
One day everyone was gone other than my mom, so as she was eating her watermelon, I simply said "maybe I should tell you why I was really talking to the bishop" then she said "maybe you should", I could tell she wouldnt believe the words that were about to come out of my mouth. " uh Im pregnant" I some how spit out. She just stared at me and dropped her fork. Honestly I dont remember what was said or what went on after that. I do remember a lot of tears and a moment only a mother and a very scared daughter could have. She did tell me that we needed to call my dad home from a late night at work. we called him and we just said to come home we needed to talk and it wasnt something we could discuss over the phone. During this I kept getting texts from Joe, saying things like what is going on, what are you doing!? Why did you do that!. I didnt understand why he was so mad that I told my parents but later when I asked why, he said it was because when his sister got pregnant at 17 she didnt tell her family until she was like 4 months along...but she had 100% support from her baby daddy and I clearly did not....Anyway my dad got home and we went for a drive and my mom said it was my responsibility to tell him. so I took a deep breath and said "Im pregnant". He then took a breath and said "Whats done is done and we just have to move forward." I was shocked! I honestly had a few bags packed for fear that I would be kicked out of the house, but he explained that I was their daughter and they would take care of me no matter what was going to go on, and that the most important thing was to get the baby here safe and sound. then came the part that I had to tell my younger sisters. How do you tell the people who probably look up to you the most that you made a mistake? When I told them one of my sisters took it extremely hard and cried for almost 5 hours after. Later when we were talking about why she was so upset she said it was because she knew dancing was done for me, my senior year would not be the same and my life was probably over. The other one well she is still a little too young to connect the dots.
I then slowly had to tell all of my aunts, uncles, grandmas, cousins and really closes friends. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to tell people your 17 and pregnant...its not that fun at all. One of the hardest people to tell was my dance coaches. They expect so much out of you and you have to tell them that you just let them down, and the team that you just spend the whole summer bonding and building a friendship with.
Speaking of summer, I got morning sickness during my morning dance practice. I was shocked no one in my family ever got morning sickness. I was freaked out. Luckly one of my friends who knew what was really going on kinda covered for me and held my hair as I fairly violently puked my guts out in front of my whole dance team. Complete embarrassment.
Slowly school was going to start, and I was coming up on like being like two months pregnant and I figured it was only fair that my coaches should know the truth so they didnt plan on me the rest of the year, and for the health of the baby. My mom facebooked my coach and asked if we could come down after school and talk to her about somethings. When I got to practice that morning, she just happened to walk in the same time I was and asked what we needed to talk about, I just kept telling her that we could talk about it later then she looked right at me and asked what was really going on, I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said "Im pregnant", she asked if I was joking and I told her that I was so serious and wouldnt lie about that. She started to cry a little and hugged me, told me everything was going to be okay. We sat outside, cried for a minute more then sat for a minute until we were able to get ourselves together. Later that day I went to her house to discuss it a little more. Then she called in the other coach so I could tell her, I was able to tell this coach a little easier since she had gotten pregnant in college and was kinda in the same boat as me. She also started to cry and gave me some advice. She told me not to marry Joe just since we were having a baby and to make sure I did what was best for the baby. They told me I could stay on the team until I felt like it was time to leave. I was so glad because I had worked all summer long, and really just wanted to perform at one more football game. So they said that would be fine. Until that last football game I dont thing I ever practiced that hard for a simple dance, and when that night came, I dont think I ever danced that hard ever. As the last few seconds of the song started ending, I walked off that field bawling, I knew that would be the last time I ever performed, and performing was my life, I have danced since I was 2 and now it was over just like that. After I texted Joe and said "that was the hardest thing to give up"and guess what...I got no reply at all. Nothing, I just had quit the thing I dedicated my life to, and not even a text saying im sorry. I honestly wanted him there holding me after saying something that I was giving it up for the baby and it will all be worth it, but no not a word about it ever.
One day everyone was gone other than my mom, so as she was eating her watermelon, I simply said "maybe I should tell you why I was really talking to the bishop" then she said "maybe you should", I could tell she wouldnt believe the words that were about to come out of my mouth. " uh Im pregnant" I some how spit out. She just stared at me and dropped her fork. Honestly I dont remember what was said or what went on after that. I do remember a lot of tears and a moment only a mother and a very scared daughter could have. She did tell me that we needed to call my dad home from a late night at work. we called him and we just said to come home we needed to talk and it wasnt something we could discuss over the phone. During this I kept getting texts from Joe, saying things like what is going on, what are you doing!? Why did you do that!. I didnt understand why he was so mad that I told my parents but later when I asked why, he said it was because when his sister got pregnant at 17 she didnt tell her family until she was like 4 months along...but she had 100% support from her baby daddy and I clearly did not....Anyway my dad got home and we went for a drive and my mom said it was my responsibility to tell him. so I took a deep breath and said "Im pregnant". He then took a breath and said "Whats done is done and we just have to move forward." I was shocked! I honestly had a few bags packed for fear that I would be kicked out of the house, but he explained that I was their daughter and they would take care of me no matter what was going to go on, and that the most important thing was to get the baby here safe and sound. then came the part that I had to tell my younger sisters. How do you tell the people who probably look up to you the most that you made a mistake? When I told them one of my sisters took it extremely hard and cried for almost 5 hours after. Later when we were talking about why she was so upset she said it was because she knew dancing was done for me, my senior year would not be the same and my life was probably over. The other one well she is still a little too young to connect the dots.
I then slowly had to tell all of my aunts, uncles, grandmas, cousins and really closes friends. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to tell people your 17 and pregnant...its not that fun at all. One of the hardest people to tell was my dance coaches. They expect so much out of you and you have to tell them that you just let them down, and the team that you just spend the whole summer bonding and building a friendship with.
Speaking of summer, I got morning sickness during my morning dance practice. I was shocked no one in my family ever got morning sickness. I was freaked out. Luckly one of my friends who knew what was really going on kinda covered for me and held my hair as I fairly violently puked my guts out in front of my whole dance team. Complete embarrassment.
Slowly school was going to start, and I was coming up on like being like two months pregnant and I figured it was only fair that my coaches should know the truth so they didnt plan on me the rest of the year, and for the health of the baby. My mom facebooked my coach and asked if we could come down after school and talk to her about somethings. When I got to practice that morning, she just happened to walk in the same time I was and asked what we needed to talk about, I just kept telling her that we could talk about it later then she looked right at me and asked what was really going on, I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said "Im pregnant", she asked if I was joking and I told her that I was so serious and wouldnt lie about that. She started to cry a little and hugged me, told me everything was going to be okay. We sat outside, cried for a minute more then sat for a minute until we were able to get ourselves together. Later that day I went to her house to discuss it a little more. Then she called in the other coach so I could tell her, I was able to tell this coach a little easier since she had gotten pregnant in college and was kinda in the same boat as me. She also started to cry and gave me some advice. She told me not to marry Joe just since we were having a baby and to make sure I did what was best for the baby. They told me I could stay on the team until I felt like it was time to leave. I was so glad because I had worked all summer long, and really just wanted to perform at one more football game. So they said that would be fine. Until that last football game I dont thing I ever practiced that hard for a simple dance, and when that night came, I dont think I ever danced that hard ever. As the last few seconds of the song started ending, I walked off that field bawling, I knew that would be the last time I ever performed, and performing was my life, I have danced since I was 2 and now it was over just like that. After I texted Joe and said "that was the hardest thing to give up"and guess what...I got no reply at all. Nothing, I just had quit the thing I dedicated my life to, and not even a text saying im sorry. I honestly wanted him there holding me after saying something that I was giving it up for the baby and it will all be worth it, but no not a word about it ever.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Chapter 2- Reality hits really fast
So I jump in the car, and just start bawling, having a complete melt down! I mean who wouldn't?? I am 17 and have my whole senior year to live and a baby kinda is a large speed bump. This guy...hum I shall call Joe, any way Joe tells "Well maybe we should look into an abortion". I was irate abortion is for sure not any kind of option for me. I simply told him no thats not going to happen. We discussed it a little more then we both went home.
Weeks went by and I had not taken another test. And Joe never really seemed like it was a priority. So one day I decided to drive to a distant friends, and buy a test and take it there. No one knew me so it would be a little easier. I told Joe that I was going to take the test. He said to call him as soon as I found out. I got to this friends house, we picked up some other friends and headed to walmart. I picked out a pricey preg. test and honestly was too embarrassed to buy it. So the friends were so awesome and bought it for me and made it easier on me. Then we headed to a park to pee on the stick again. But by now I was 99.999% sure that I was now like a month pregnant. I peed on that stick and that little + showed up in 10 seconds... It was official I was not pregnant and needed to start getting my life in order. It all kinda hit me. First of all the biggest thing was realizing my senior year on my dance team was over. This dance team is a team was a team I had dreamed about since I was 2, and it was just over. Then I realized I had to tell my parents. How do you tell your parents that your pregnant? So I called Joe...no answer..I tried back again...No answer...and I tried for an hour trying to get ahold of him. Finally I just texted him and said "Guess what your a father". It is not the way I ever planned on telling my baby daddy I was pregnant but I had no other choice. Finally he called me back and said "Oh sorry I was at a waterpark with my friends" I was kinda mad, he knew I would be taking the test that day and still he wasnt concerned enough to check his phone to see if I called. Then he told me to meet him in the school parking lot when I got home and when he did.
The whole hour drive home I was in shock, complete shock. It was all hitting me so fast. Finally I got a text tellin me to come meet him. I told my parents I was goin to a friends real fast. when I got there he just hugged me and said its going to be okay we will figure it out.
By this time I had started to like another guy, and it was going somewhere. He was someone who respected me and had been a long time friend. I forgot that that relationship was going to have to end when Joe told me, lets be official and be my girlfriend. Honestly I didnt want to. I wasnt loving how he had been treating me. I kinda told him how I felt and he said we could hold off. But me wanting my ow n family I fell back in love with him, but he never asked me to be his girlfriend. We started acting like we were dating and getting excited about being parents. If only I knew what was in my future.
Weeks went by and I had not taken another test. And Joe never really seemed like it was a priority. So one day I decided to drive to a distant friends, and buy a test and take it there. No one knew me so it would be a little easier. I told Joe that I was going to take the test. He said to call him as soon as I found out. I got to this friends house, we picked up some other friends and headed to walmart. I picked out a pricey preg. test and honestly was too embarrassed to buy it. So the friends were so awesome and bought it for me and made it easier on me. Then we headed to a park to pee on the stick again. But by now I was 99.999% sure that I was now like a month pregnant. I peed on that stick and that little + showed up in 10 seconds... It was official I was not pregnant and needed to start getting my life in order. It all kinda hit me. First of all the biggest thing was realizing my senior year on my dance team was over. This dance team is a team was a team I had dreamed about since I was 2, and it was just over. Then I realized I had to tell my parents. How do you tell your parents that your pregnant? So I called Joe...no answer..I tried back again...No answer...and I tried for an hour trying to get ahold of him. Finally I just texted him and said "Guess what your a father". It is not the way I ever planned on telling my baby daddy I was pregnant but I had no other choice. Finally he called me back and said "Oh sorry I was at a waterpark with my friends" I was kinda mad, he knew I would be taking the test that day and still he wasnt concerned enough to check his phone to see if I called. Then he told me to meet him in the school parking lot when I got home and when he did.
The whole hour drive home I was in shock, complete shock. It was all hitting me so fast. Finally I got a text tellin me to come meet him. I told my parents I was goin to a friends real fast. when I got there he just hugged me and said its going to be okay we will figure it out.
By this time I had started to like another guy, and it was going somewhere. He was someone who respected me and had been a long time friend. I forgot that that relationship was going to have to end when Joe told me, lets be official and be my girlfriend. Honestly I didnt want to. I wasnt loving how he had been treating me. I kinda told him how I felt and he said we could hold off. But me wanting my ow n family I fell back in love with him, but he never asked me to be his girlfriend. We started acting like we were dating and getting excited about being parents. If only I knew what was in my future.
Chapter 1-Teenage girls can be a little stupid.
Im sure you figured out what I will be posting about on here, just by the title. I have felt the urge to blog about my experiences as not only a single mom but a single and teen mom. I figured starting at the first would be the best way to start this all out so here it goes...
My story starts out in the middle of summer, not just any summer the summer right before my big exciting senior year. Life is amazing, I am one of the big dogs on my dance team and bound determined to be one of the best dancers on the team. Also I am on student government and can't wait to start planning all of the senior activities. Plus there is this guy in my life, not just any guy, he is "the one" we had been dating on and off for 4 years now. At this point we are not "officially a couple" because he says its not the right time, but come on I am a teenage girl and I am pretty sure here soon we will be engaged.
Any whoo... one summer day this "love of mine" and I decide to hang out, we had a blast, and then it was over and instead of taking me home, we decided to have a little "fun". It wasn't the first time this had happened but we always swore it would be the very last. After I got home and got ready for the big party that we were both going to, my friend picked me up and off we went. We got there and this "love" does not even say a word to me, the whole time. Me, being extremely clingy and "in love" is constantly texting him saying "come on why wont you talk to me", or " after what we did today you cant just ignore me thats not how it works". Yet I get no response. Oddly enough we are back talking the next day and everything is fine.
A few days later, I start to notice weird things on my body change. First thought is "am I pregnant?" then I think that it would never happen to me. So I text the guy and have a minor freak out for dramatic effect freaking out that I think I am pregnant. He says he is sure im not but we can get a test just to be safe.
After a few weeks of me being now positive I am pregnant, I start talking to my best friend about it, more joking about it. We joke about how fun it would be to be a mommy and get married and celebrate graduation with your own little family.
Finally, the day comes when I am seriously "late" and I tell him we NEED to get a test. So late one night I tell my parents that I am going to a friends when really me and him are meeting up to go buy a test and take it. Living in such a small town is really hard to buy a test without rumors starting like wildfire. We end up going to a 7-11 and pretend like we are buying one for his already pregnant sister to take and scare one of his friends with. Then the big moment comes. The whole peeing on the stick thing. Thats scary enough because for one, I am in a park bathroom and hobos live in it, two,my life could FOREVER change, three, k honestly the instructions said to pee in a cup then suck some up in the sucker thing then put it on the test, and I have no cup so I had to just pee on it and hope it worked. I sat the test on the sink and paced back and forth for what seemed like an hour, the thing said like 3 minutes, but I think I maybe waited one till I looked... At first it said -- so I was like "yes"! then it went +,then I was like "crap" then it just went |....like what does just | mean?? so I assumed the worst and ran back out to his car. The little kids on the playground playing are looking at me crazy as I run to him as I am crying and saying "Its positive, I am pregnant, I am pregnant"!
His face got super serious and he looked me in the eyes and just said "Shut up and get in the car"
My story starts out in the middle of summer, not just any summer the summer right before my big exciting senior year. Life is amazing, I am one of the big dogs on my dance team and bound determined to be one of the best dancers on the team. Also I am on student government and can't wait to start planning all of the senior activities. Plus there is this guy in my life, not just any guy, he is "the one" we had been dating on and off for 4 years now. At this point we are not "officially a couple" because he says its not the right time, but come on I am a teenage girl and I am pretty sure here soon we will be engaged.
Any whoo... one summer day this "love of mine" and I decide to hang out, we had a blast, and then it was over and instead of taking me home, we decided to have a little "fun". It wasn't the first time this had happened but we always swore it would be the very last. After I got home and got ready for the big party that we were both going to, my friend picked me up and off we went. We got there and this "love" does not even say a word to me, the whole time. Me, being extremely clingy and "in love" is constantly texting him saying "come on why wont you talk to me", or " after what we did today you cant just ignore me thats not how it works". Yet I get no response. Oddly enough we are back talking the next day and everything is fine.
A few days later, I start to notice weird things on my body change. First thought is "am I pregnant?" then I think that it would never happen to me. So I text the guy and have a minor freak out for dramatic effect freaking out that I think I am pregnant. He says he is sure im not but we can get a test just to be safe.
After a few weeks of me being now positive I am pregnant, I start talking to my best friend about it, more joking about it. We joke about how fun it would be to be a mommy and get married and celebrate graduation with your own little family.
Finally, the day comes when I am seriously "late" and I tell him we NEED to get a test. So late one night I tell my parents that I am going to a friends when really me and him are meeting up to go buy a test and take it. Living in such a small town is really hard to buy a test without rumors starting like wildfire. We end up going to a 7-11 and pretend like we are buying one for his already pregnant sister to take and scare one of his friends with. Then the big moment comes. The whole peeing on the stick thing. Thats scary enough because for one, I am in a park bathroom and hobos live in it, two,my life could FOREVER change, three, k honestly the instructions said to pee in a cup then suck some up in the sucker thing then put it on the test, and I have no cup so I had to just pee on it and hope it worked. I sat the test on the sink and paced back and forth for what seemed like an hour, the thing said like 3 minutes, but I think I maybe waited one till I looked... At first it said -- so I was like "yes"! then it went +,then I was like "crap" then it just went |....like what does just | mean?? so I assumed the worst and ran back out to his car. The little kids on the playground playing are looking at me crazy as I run to him as I am crying and saying "Its positive, I am pregnant, I am pregnant"!
His face got super serious and he looked me in the eyes and just said "Shut up and get in the car"
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