I love love. No shocker there if you talk to me for like an hour I talk about guys and plans for marriage. Since I was little I had always been so excited to find my other half. Being in love with someone who is crazy about you and can look past your flaws and helps you to he a better person. Being with someone who really does complete you. Some may say I could be slightly obsessed with getting married, and soon.
I feel pressured to be married as soon as possible. As much as I would love that I know its not going to happen. While I was pregnant with Nixxon I went to counseling at LDS family services to help me cope with the soon to be challenges of being a single young mother. I loved my sessions. My counseler was also pregnant. She was married and already had one kid but still we were like two weeka apart and could talk about the pregnancy stuff since we were so close. During my session we had discussed my fear of not finding an awesome guy who not only loves me but also loves Nixxon as his own. We talkes about what it takes for that special bond to happen between them. The things I remember was that first off girls who were not married to their child's father stayed married and were in a happy relationship. Obviously I had this one down no way ever will Nixxons birth dad and I be in a relationship like that. They were also out of high school or older than 18 when they had their kid. Check and check for that one. The one that freaked me out and still does is that the successful young moms were married by the time their kid was the age of 2. Seemed possible at the time since I was talking to guys who seemed semi interested in me and it was over two years away. Well now that guy is long gone, and well Nixxon will have her second birthday here in a few months. Its obviously not going to happen in that amount of time. Well without a large amount of bribery and probably some odd guy who would be okay being paid to be my hubster. Haha no need to worry I'm not that crazy.
I am pretty sure that even if I get married when Nixxon is 4 or 5 or even 16 she will be okay with who I marry. The older she gets I'm sure there will be more of a struggle to make a great father daughter bond. It can happen it might just take a little longer.
If I could just meet my future husband next and never date again I would be okay with that. I really don't love dating. Its so hard when I am at school and at work and just want to be mom and be with Nix and not stress about babysitters. It would be nice to just come home and have a family. I'm past the going out and having fun all the time part of my life. I've started a family I've settled down. I just wish there was someone there to complete the circle.
Whenever I say I'm ready to get married I always get told "Oh don't worry about that yet. You have your sweet little girl with you that is all you need." I really have a strong desire to slap people when they say something like that. I mean would you tell a couple who is trying to have a baby that oh don't worry about that yet. You have your sweet husband or wife with you that's all you need. No you don't. A spouse and a child are still family but also very different. Its like comparing apples and oranges. They are both fruit like they are both family but each is slightly different for you. You have a slightly different relationship with both. One isnt Better than the other and you love each the same. But I can't go to Nixxon with my issues at work and have a conversation about it or when I am stressing over how I am going to stretch a pay check out. I can't talk to her about adult things like that. Our relationship is about playing and learning together.
I love Nixxon with all I've got. I know eventually who is going to love her the same. It was promised to me in my patriarchal blessing. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and a time line set for me. I have no idea when anything is going to happen but I do know when it does ill be one happy momma.
