Choices and Decisions

 It didn't take even take a week until Joe decided to text me again. Court was July 10^th and I got a text on July 12^th. I can't say I was really expecting it for once. My attorney advised me to leave him alone for at least a month. I had planned on letting Joe choose if he wanted to be involved with Nixxon or not since he had terminated his rights like I had asked. I was not completely opposed to him being a part of Nixxon's life just as long as I was in control of how much, when, and if it was doing more good than bad for her. I was planning about 4 weeks after court to contact him to find out if being a part of her life was something he was interested in. But here was Joe contacting me within a few days. I wasn't sure how to handle this.

{J} Hey I wanted to tell you this in person but I really am sorry things have went. I know I should have stepped up and been a man two years ago. Thank you for raising Nixxon so well and Im sorry I left you to do it alone. I trust you and know she will have a good life. I hope you find everything in life that you are looking for and I know you don't need my help but if you ever do need anything or Nixxon does im here. Maybe I will cya around.

{M} Joe I want to tell you thank you for what you did. I know it wasn't easy but you definitely did the best thing for Nixxon to give her the best life she can get. Thank you.

{J} I know you will work hard like you to give her the best life she can get. I couldn't wish for a better mother for my daughter. Thank you {M} for doing what you have done for Nixxon already means more to me than anything anyone has ever done for me. I respect you and admire you for everything you have done and who you are.

{M} Thank you that means a lot.

{J} Sorry to keep bothering you this will be the last time but I dont want there to be any hard feelings between us so if you want to one of these days when you have some free time I would love to just go for a short drive or a walk or something just to berry the hatchet. Only if you feel its appropriate though.

I was caught off guard by this. I didn't know exactly how to respond or what to think. It took me awhile to respond.

{J}Sorry I know it sounds weird I just want to apologize in person. I don't feel like a text does any justice. Then we can both move on.

I told him I would see when I could because I wasn't sure if I was mentally ready to face him again. Even though I had gotten what I needed from court emotions were still high and I wanted to wait a month like my attorney had mentioned so I thought maybe he would just forget about it. No not the case. By 1:30 the next morning I had a text asking if I was still awake. I woke up an hour later and for some dumb reason thought it was a great time to respond and ask what he needed.

{J} I didn't think you would be up this late but I was just wondering if we could go on that drive tomorrow slash today sometime maybe.

I can't say that I am the nicest person when I wake up dang early to text so excuse my rudeness.

{M} I think I am busy tomorrow.

{J} Thats okay, I know it was short notice. Im just moving and wont be around much anymore but we can work something out.

{M} How about you just come over later today about 4ish? I don't feel comfortable going for a ride honestly but my family can just stay down stairs or something.

I was about to face Joe face to face all over again. Even though the worst part of everything was over the anxiety was still there. Ex boyfriends are meant to stay in the past, and not to be such a big part of your life years after you break up. I was so nervous about what was going to be said and how things would play out. I debated for hours about if I should invite him to be apart of Nixxon's life. Then if he wanted to how much, and if he should meet her that day. I thought I would have a few weeks to think and pray about these things, but I only had a few hours and they are some big choices to make withing a matter of hours.

I told him to come over around 4:15, and at 4 that day I sat in my usually waiting spot. Sitting on my parents dryer, anxiously waiting for the sound of a truck to pull into my driveway. Right on time I heard the roar of the big yellow truck and I had but seconds to choose if he wanted to be involved and before I could make up my mind, there was a knock at my door.

The Final Courtdate

 The day before the big court date I did a lot of praying. Not just praying that I would win, but that things would go the way that they were meant to go. Praying that it all would not get heated and just run smoothly. My family had lots of family prayer together. Having my dad say the family prayers was very comforting coming from the priesthood holder of my family. The next day was either going to be one of the best days of my life, or one of my worst days. I can't say that I slept too well the night before. I just held Nixxon close and kept a prayer in my heart.

Joe had last text me a few days ago with a random question of how I felt about him as a person. If I thought of him as a good person or a bad one. I had absolutely no desire to feed into these childish questions of his. It really shouldn't matter how I thought of him. He should have cared more about how his family, himself, and how is daughter might have felt about him. He was not understanding that he was in my past and I very much intended for him to stay there.

I woke up that day. My stomach was in knots. I felt like crap. I was so stressed about what was going to happen within a few hours. I slowly put on my makeup trying to make myself look very professional and grown up. I tried to make sure my hair looked decent enough for a courtroom. I then put on the new skirt my grandma bought me to wear to court which, was very nice of her. I put on some very uncomfortable pumps gave Nixxon a hug and a kiss and my mom and I headed off to court.

For some reason our court was set like 30 miles away. Luckily it is the same place that my dad works so we were able to pick him up on our way. As we pulled up into the parking lot I was a nervous wreck. I was so fidgety, sweating more than a girl that dressed up should sweat, and not to mention a little on the nauseous side. I was sending Landon multiple texts as we waited to see if my lawyer pulled up. Sadly Landon was still in the academy and only got a few breaks a day so I didn't really get to hear much from him before all of this.

Our court time was inching closer and closer and my lawyer was still MIA. I finally called to make sure that I had the right time. As I talked to my lawyer I found out that I easily could have slept in another hour and been just fine. I am not exactly sure how I had gotten like 9:30 instead of 10:30. So now we were stuck 30 miles away from home for another hour. So we just drove around. My dad asked me if I wanted breakfast. Honestly I was starving. I knew that if I ate with such nerves that I was going to have the most angry tummy anyone had ever seen...or heard. So I passed on the breakfast.

I jokingly mentioned to my dad that we should find Landon's house. He asked if I remembered where he said he lived. I remembered him saying it was so many blocks away from a certain restaurant. So off we went to stalk my boyfriends house. Leave it to my parents and I to drive around just to see where my boyfriend sleeps and such. I think we could probably fit into a creeper status at this moment.

It didn't take us long to find his humble abode. It was cute too! Just a simple little house and it even had the fairytale picket fence to go along with it. My dad honestly circled it a few times which I was surprised he did. My parents were impressed that he owned this house and it looked like he took good care of it.

Before too long it was time to head back to the courthouse. The nerves all flowed back to me. Not long after we got back to the parking lot I got a call from my lawyers secretary saying that my lawyer was on his way but would probably be late. Hearing that made me even more nervous for everything. My parents and I decided not to get out of the car until we seen my lawyer show up. Before my lawyer showed up, Joe did. He was by himself. I had to give him credit for that. I mean here I was with my parents and I was also 20. Oh well I am glad I had my parents support 100% and they would not let me go through this alone. Joes mom showed up not too much later but that was it. That was all the support he had there for him.

Finally right on the dot my lawyer came whipping into the parking lot. Nearly perfect timing. We walked in with him just in case if Joe or his mom decided to approach us for any reason my lawyer was there to step into stop it. We went through security and headed up the stairs to the court rooms.

We sat in a waiting room area since it was juvenile court and only the case being heard was allowed in. We sat far enough away from Joe and his mom. Joe's mom couldn't help but to turn at glance for a moment, then turn back. We waited what seemed like forever when suddenly I noticed a women talking to Joe. Then that same lady motioned for my lawyer to come talk with her. Turns out that it was Nixxons Gardian Ad Litem, a fancy word for someone the courts say is looking out for Nixxons best legal interest, even though this lady never made an effort to learn of our situation or know who Nixxon even is. Seemed like she made an effort to talk to Joe though, just not the child she was representing or the mother of that child.

My lawyer went into a room with Joe's lawyer and this Guardian Ad Litem. When he came back he said that we needed to talk and had a very serious look on his face. I was a little concerned. We walked into a meeting room and sat down and prepared ourselves for the news that was about to be presented to us.

My lawyer started off by saying, “remember how I said these Guardians have way too much power in these cases?” My stomach couldn't have dropped any lower at this moment, she had just been over talking to Joe so he probably sweet talked her enough to convince her of something crazy. He went on to say that this Guardian wasn't sure she was okay letting Joe sign away his rights without someone stepping into his place, not that he had really had a place this whole time. He asked if it came down to the judge feeling the same way if my dad would take on the guardianship of Nixxon. Of course my parents were okay with that. They would do anything to keep Nixxon with us like she belongs.

We soon were entering the court room. Waiting to see what the judge had to say about all of this. My heart was pounding, my head was racing, my arm pits were freaking sweating like a waterfall, and I was trying to keep it all together. I sat next to my lawyer as court was called to order. We each had to introduce ourselves to the judge. Luckily my lawyer spoke for me because me saying my name would have probably came out as “ I am MIDfjskdfjslkfdjhdsjhkeieeooeoeo “ and he would have thought I was insane or on some crazy drugs and that is really all I needed at this moment.

The started off in so many legal terms that I had no idea what was going on. I was struggling just to decide who I needed to make eye contact with, the judge, or the Guardian. The judge had a little sence of humor so I decided to try to make contact with him. He make the feeling of the room not so serious and scary.

The biggest deal that was made was about paternity being established. No one had records of our paternity test being done! I for one could not be held responsible for this since I was never sent ANYTHING from the paternity test except a text from Joe which probably didn't hold very much credibility at the moment. With both lawyers agreeing that it had been established and promising to get it emailed as soon court was over they decided to make Joe Nixxon's legal father, and then have him sign it right away. Joe and his lawyer asked that we leave the room while Joe signed the paper because it was just too much for us to be in there. So we left, and stood in the waiting room again. It took a while for my lawyer to walk out. I wasn't sure what was going on for sure, it all had happened so fast.

He walked us down to a private room to discuss everything that had just happened. As we sat down my lawyer was like well it is all over you can breath pretty much. He explained what had just happened. He said Joe seemed a little bothered while signing away his rights but his mom took it way hard and it was probably good that we were not in the room. He reminded us not to “dance in the in zone” Joe still had two weeks that he could fight it again and appeal his decision and from the way the Guardian was that we probably should not rock the boat. That was fine I was just in shock that it was finally just over. It really was over. No more court battles, no need to deal with him if I didn't want to, no more attorney fees. Oh how we all felt the relief of those 7 long months.

Joe and his mom and lawyer stood right outside the only door for almost a half hour. Keeping us inside the courthouse. It was obvious that it was on purpose too. We just wanted to get home and hug Nixxon and they were in the way. Finally they moved a little further into the parking lot and we were able to get to our car and drive off.

This is when I was so glad because when the time came for me to get married, after a year Nixxon could be sealed to both of us in an LDS Temple for Time and all Eternity. This was something I had been concerned about for so long. I had a much better shot of having an Eternal Family and having my forever fairy tale. I had faith that my Heavenly Father was going to make this happen. It is what I had worked towards for so long and now it was possible.

I had a big date with Landon that night. We were going with my family to a rodeo, and I no longer had to hide the fact that we were together. I was ready to stop hiding from Joe and his family. Really this whole thing was over. I opened my facebook back up since I had blocked anyone I felt was “on Joe's side” if that is how you can put it. I was free again. I finally had my life back, or was starting a new life with MY daughter as MY own. I had an amazing boyfriend that I could now call mine and I was finally happy again. I had found that happiness I had been looking for in a long time.

My reminder that no matter what it takes I will get Nixxon through the temple and sealed to a family

Landon and I before the Rodeo

Nixxon and I the day after court at a parade

The "L" Word

Within a month of dating Landon I was hooked. This is a guy who seemed to like me as much as I liked him. I trusted him. I really cared for him. In fact about two or three weeks of being with him I may have let that lovely little L word slip. I won't deny things with him moved along pretty fast but it felt right.

About a week after our first date I had heard someone mention that Landon and I were together. We had not ever actually came out and mentioned that we were together or really told very many people that we were seeing each other. So when I heard this I was kind of shocked. I ended up bringing it up later that day. We both agreed that being together is something we both were very happy with. I mean come on we were darn cute together.

He was my support system as my final court date was coming closer. He made it so easy to talk to him about it and have an actual conversation about my fears and thoughts about all of it. I was so comfortable around him. I knew that I was falling for him and falling fast and it really scared me that I would end up heart broken all over again. I even mentioned this to him one day. I just looked at him and said that this was scary. He asked what was. So me being the awkward thing I am I said that we were either going to breakup or get married. I still remember him saying, “If we play our cards right everything is going to work out just fine”. I got a calm feeling after that.

One night as I was telling him goodbye for the week he was hugging me and I had this extremely strong feeling I needed to tell him that I loved him. I fought it because it had only been a few weeks into all of this, but not that feeling won. He suddenly stopped hugging me and asked if something was wrong. I just looked at him and sheepishly said, “I love you”.

“What was that?” he said

“ I love you” I repeated saying it a little more quiet because now I was embarrassed.

This is were I figured he was about to get in his car, and drive far away and I would never see him again because I just scared this guy off for good now.

He grabbed me again and held me tight and said at least we are both on the same track. Even though he didn't say it back I knew he was falling for me too and he wasn't going to say things that he didn't mean . That is all I needed. Still a little embarrassed but at least he knew how I felt.

Even though we were crazy about each other, and I wanted to show off the good looking man I now had we made a choice. We decided to keep things about us quiet until after court just so Joe wouldn't hear about it and change his mind about terminating his rights. Landon was super good about understanding my fears about that and was fine about not being too public about us. Court was coming sooner and sooner and now I had not just one thing to look forward on that day but I had two.

Serendipity

Serendipity: Fortunate Happenstance, Pleasant Surprise, an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident. Among the midst of all of this Joe drama I found my serendipity. I was never looking for what found me. I was to a point avoiding it. But when it finds you, you can't help but embrace it.

I will remember June 14, 2014 for a very long time now. It was the day my best friend {K} was moving back to town for a little while and asked me to help her move. She told me {H} was going to be there helping, {H} is someone I had been on a few dates with. Super sweet guy but Joe kind of got in the middle of it when things started to get somewhere with him. I hadn't talked to {H} since December. I was kind of hoping we would be able to talk and there was no hard feeling since I kinda just dropped the poor guy and had to deal with Joe. I was not looking for a date but I probably wouldn't have turned it down. I really had just hoped he didn't hate me for what had happened even though we were never “together” it was a few dates and that was about it.

When I got to {K}'s house her husband and {H} were loading things into the house. I wanted to talk to {k} because I had just heard back from a missionary that I had been writing, and recently asked that when he got back if we possibly could try to work things out. He told me that if things seemed right he didn't see why we couldn't try things out again. He wasn't making any promises but it was an option in about a year. I was pretty anxious to talk to her about it. So to a point I wanted to wait for this missionary but at the same time I didn't want to put my oh so exciting dating life on hold for a year just for a possibility of getting back together. This missionary is a great guy. Any girl who ends up with him is a lucky girl. Anyway, {H} did not even acknowledge me except for the awkward hi how are you we exchanged and continued to try to shove a couch through the doorway. Well there was that. {H} and I were not going to happen, got that answer. Now I could kind of focus more on this missionary.

My phone vibrated and it was a message from Face book. An old neighbor of mine was trying to talk to me. He was a few years older than me, he had moved away probably when I was in Jr. High honestly I really had never talked to him before and never really thought about him after he left. Just a neighbor that had moved. I opened the message and read “You're Daughter is stinking cute Mic(new name being called there by the way) Its been a long time how are you and your family?”

I looked at {K} and asked her if she remembered him. She didn't but her husband was a year younger than him he had kinda mentioned that he was a jerk in high school. I was a little hesitant to talk to him because of that. Plus I knew that he had a kid also and with my experience with guys with a kid it left a bad taste in my mouth. I decided to respond. I just wanted to see if he wanted something or what.

After a few messages we were talking about school. He asked what I was doing and I told him I wanted to go into criminal justice. Turns out he had just been accepted to the police academy. There was something in common, so we started to talk about that kind of stuff. I was still kind of hesitant because of the whole “jerk” comment but come on this guy was going to be a cop that was a HUGE plus on my scale right up my alley. I decided to keep talking to him and just see. He asked about Nixxon and her “dad” I kind of explained what had happened and what was going on. I told him I was actually scheduled for court in a week. I asked about his situation and he said that him and his daughters mother just didn't work out so he gets her like every other weekend.

He seemed decent and seemed pretty nice so I kept talking to him, and talking, and talking, before I knew it he gave me his number and had me text him. I didn't stop talking to him I liked him. But I was still unsure especially since I was kinda wanting me and the missionary to work out. But I did want to see where this went but I had a feeling it was just going to be a fling. He was going to loose interest in me here soon. That is what always happens.

After a week or two we started talking about CSI: Miami and how we both liked it. I was out for a ride with my family and of course I was texting him. One message scared the heck out of me. “Maybe we could hang out and watch CSI: Miami together?” I was amazed did this really cute soon to be cop just hint to hang out with me? Yes. Yes he did. So me being the overly socially awkward person I am do? Oh I just stop texting him. I knew my parents wouldn't let me, and I did not have three hours to make myself look like cute for him. We had talked about going on a date the next week so I just figured the date would be the whole awkward first date and I would spend way too long getting ready for the date. Then I got a text saying something like “I guess not haha” then I felt bad. I hinted to my parents and they were totally fine with him coming over. WHAT! That was a first for my parents. So I lied and was like “Oh sorry I didn't feel my phone but do you want to come over and we can watch CSI?”

I was about to meet this really good looking guy who seemed super mature and way out of my league. I was so scared I was freaking out trying to throw myself together and my house. He was only about a half hour drive away and that is not a lot of time to make myself look half decent. But he was just going to have to deal with it. I was just going to scare him off sooner that I thought.

I seen him walking up to my door and my heart was racing. I really had not seen this guy for years and now he was like interested in me, and he was feet away, and he was about to knock on my door. I could have passed out right then and there. When he did knock I took a breath and opened the door. Holy cow. This guy was once dang good looking guy. He pulled off a tee-shirt and ball cap off dang well. I invited him and told him my family wanted to meet him. So of course we were making smores and we made smores with him for an hour and it was fun my mom asked him about his mom and stuff and it was not too awkward. We went inside to watch CSI like we had planned. Well we never actually watched it. We spend hours talking about lots of things. Then he was like “Lets go for a walk” it was probably 1 am and he wanted to check out the neighborhood and how much it had changed. We walked around a few blocks for probably an hour. Just talking. We actually had a lot in common. It was nice to talk to a single parent too, even though he was kinda on the other side of what I was doing. But he had been through a court case too and told me kind of what to expect. I was not expecting this at all. I assumed he was going to be way too cool to keep talking to me. But he decided around 2:30 am he probably needed to get going. He looked at me and was like “so this is the awkward part” and put his arms out and I told him it was not awkward. Inside I was dying inside! He actually seemed interested in me! And he wanted to hug me!! We went in for it. Honestly it was the most awkward hug I've ever had. He was trying to do some where hug and I still don't know what happened. We both laughed about it,and then he said “ Are we still good to go out next week?” I told him of course.

This guy was amazing. He actually liked me and I really was starting to like him. As soon as he pulled away I walked inside and as soon as I shut the door all I could thing was “oh my gosh he is absolutely gorgeous”.

No one Mourns the Wicked

When someone is coming to terms that everything they have been working towards for months or even years, is not working out, it is pretty hard to deal with. When someone finally decides that they are wrong, and decides to do the complete opposite of what they were doing,even though it is going to look bad upon themselves they will probably justify it by placing the blame onto someone else. No one wants to look like the bad guy. No one likes to admit that they are wrong.

I recently reseen the musical Wicked, besides the fact that it is the absolute musical out there there is a song they sing called No One Mourns the Wicked. Parts of that song stick out to me so much when thinking about this experience I am going to share. The lyrics say “No one mourns the Wicked, No one cries they won't return, No one lays a lily on their grave, the good man scorns the Wicked, Through their lives our children learn, What we miss when we misbehave, And goodness knows the Wicked's lives are lonely Goodness knows The Wicked die alone, It just shows when you're Wicked you're left only on your own......”

One night I had just gotten home from a 12 hour shift at mu new job. I was tired and probably a little on the ornery side. I really was ready to just sit and relax with my family. As soon as I pulled into my driveway I noticed I had gotten texts from Joe one asking if I wanted to go hiking with him, after I told him point blank NO he sent back

“Alright well also my truck is due for an oil change so I'm gonna be changing the oil in it if you would like and if your car needs it I can show you how to change your oil”

“I've got my dad who already showed me” I replied back. I know I seem so mean but I had been getting these random texts at least once a day asking me to go with him when no matter what I said he kept asking and it was getting really annoying. Kind of comical at times but yet still annoying.

“Alright have a good weekend”

“I will”

My family decided to go with our new summer “thing” smores. As soon as we pulled out everything to make the smores and turned on the stove to roast the marshmallows I noticed I had another text from Joe.

{J}“Are you busy tomorrow?”
{M}“Yes”

{J}“Could you spare twenty minutes we need to talk”

{M}“About what”

{J}“Your deal”
{M}“What about it?”

{J}”I'll tell you tomorrow if you'll give me twenty minutes”

“Unless you wanna just talk now”

“So does that mean no?”

At this point I was kind of panicked. What was so important and what exactly was my deal?

{M} “Can you just call me?”

{J}”No I would rather talk in person”

{M} “I can meet with you tonight but my parents are here” I wanted my parents there. I was honestly a little nervous to be left alone with him for even twenty minutes.

{J}” That is okay I'm home alone but I don't want you to drive clear here so we can just go on a walk to the park or something”

{M}” No you can come sit on my porch and we can talk”

{J} “ Alright fair enough”

{M} “K”

{J} “I'm on my way”

Not again. I was about to meet with him face to face all over again. This gave me pretty bad anxiety. My mind was running at 1000000 MPH. We sent my sisters with Nixxon away from the house. My parents decided to sit right behind the porch in the living room which is the laundry room and has pretty perfect view of the sitting area and with the window open you can hear perfectly. We talked about what I would say if certain things were said, I also told them a safe word if I felt like he was actually going to hurt me. I couldn't put it past him at this point. I didn't plan on something that crazy to happen but it would not surprise me.

I sat in my laundry room waiting to see trucks headlights. This was the same feeling I felt a few months back waiting for him to show up to meet with me. Before I knew it here came headlights, and they were pulling into my driveway. I ran outside and sat in a chair and prepared my little self to act tough, even though inside I was pretty much wanting to cry. It took him a minute to get from his truck to get to the porch. I heard a door slam and waited what felt like forever. Soon he was in front of me and I told him to go ahead and sit down.

Our conversation was pretty much as follows to the best of my memory.

{m} “ So what do we need to talk about?”

{j}” Well I really don't like the way we have been acting and it isnt good for Nixxon to see us fight (totally meant how I was treating him and we fought over text messages not like Nixxon had a clue what was really happening)

{m} “okay and?”

{J} “I am going to go ahead and sign the termination of parental rights papers but I am going to have my lawyer draw them up.”

{m} “okay and what is the difference going to be between the two papers?”

{J} “ I just need to cover my bases and make sure that it is final and that you can not come after me for child support or anything like that”
{m} “That seems good to me I will have my lawyer ready for them”

Pretty much that was that. I was darn excited here was the end I was asking for. I was finally getting what I had asked for! As soon as he walked away I ran inside and my parents and I talked about it. We knew not to get too excited until we actually had the papers and could see if there was a big catch in there somewhere. We told my sisters to come back and we could hopefully rest a little bit.

Before I knew it I had another text from Joe. Here is our conversation(this is word for word right off of my phone, except for my personal thoughts as I was reading the texts)

{j}”Thanks for your time”

{m} “yep”

{j} “I'm sorry”

{m}” why?”

{j}” That things didn't go well between us. And that I wont ever get the chance to see my daughter till she's eighteen”

I decided not to respond he was just trying to make me feel bad and all that was going to happen was us fight again not long and here came another text.

{j}” [M] this will be the last time I talk to you except for when I have to for legal matters. But I want you to know how I feel. I know that I shouldn't feel this way [M] but I cant help it. But I hope Nixxon never forgives you for this. I hope she judges you as harshly as you are judging me.(Not judging in fact I was trying to forgive him but I needed my closure first) I'm sorry I truly am but there is nothing more I can do. I came home willingly (from his church mission which if you have a child you can NOT serve a mission in the first place so no he was sent home not willingly came home) to get this resolved [M]. I gave up everything( Really?????? You gave up EVERYTHING? I would love to make a list and compare who has given up since the day Nixxon was conceived because I am sure I have him beat by 10 miles. The only thing he gave up was the mission which he was never worthy to serve in the first place and I was not either so technically we are equal on that one) I've tried to make thigs work between us but you push me away. I've tried to be civil for Nixxons sake but you refuse to be civil back. I don't know why you dont want me to see my own daughter but I honestly have done everything I can do. I know I'm not perfect but no one is[M]. The Lord has seen my efforts he knows my heart and for that I do not fear the judgement. Good bye [M] I will see you in sixteen years”. ( No you will see me in a few weeks when we finally get this settled in court but nice try)

{m} “I have felt in my heart since day one that what I am trying to do is best for her. I have prayed about what I should do about you and her since the day I found out I was pregnant. I wanted closure on things so I could continue working on forgiving you. But you can be mad at me thats your choice. I dont have time or energy to be mad at you but I have to do what is best for my daughter”

{j} “You don't have to be mad at me [M] but you can still treat me like a human. [M] I don't believe the Lord would tell any willing dad that they shouldn't be with their daughter. And Nixxon is not a chore she is the sweetest blessing got has ever given to this world. I do know its hard being a single mom but I wish you would let me help you”

{m} “ I never said she was a chore at all there isnt a day I dont thank Heavenly Father but I am not going to argue”

{j} I dont want to either. But I do have one last question. Why not me?”

At this point I was mad. I was not even going to reply to that. I sent all of the messages to my lawyer even though it was almost 11 pm. My lawyer simply told me not to listen to him, he was only trying to send me on a guilt trip. He was right.

Joe knew he was done. He had messed up so bad in the past and there was no way to fix it at this point. He had to try to make me the bad guy in the situation. Making it all about him and not who I was worried about Nixxon. I did not want Nixxon dealing with this kind of fighting her whole life I had to do what I could to keep her out of this kind of situation. It had never been about getting back at him for the pain he had caused me. Yes the pain still hurt but if I felt Joe was needed in Nixxons life then I would let him be apart of it but I seen no benefit to him being apart of my little girls life at this point.

Now back to the Wicked song, Joe didn't want to be the wicked one and I am not saying he is wicked in anyway. Joe made some HUGE mistakes but he wanted to keep coming out looking like the good guy and smelling like a rose kinda like Glenda (the good witch) seems to do. No one wants to appear like Alphaba ( the wicked witch of the west). Nixxon and I wont mourn that he isn't a part of our lives, we won't cry if he wont return. Okay if he had a grave I probably would put a flower on it, I don't wish that upon him, I also don't need to scorn him, he knows he messed up but I cant just give him everything he is asking for there is consequences to our actions and he needed to learn that. Through my life and his I hope Nixxon learns lots of lessons about life and what we do miss when we misbehave. Now I also do not hope that Joe dies alone. I do hope he finds someone who makes him happy, he simply needs to realize that person is not me.

Joe was finally getting the point that he had messed up and he was going to suffer for what he did. We all have prices to pay for our mistakes. I had given up a Senior year, and all the little things that go with that, a normal college education, and the list goes on. I would not trade it obviously but it still had been a lot of sacrifice on my end. Joe might be sacrificing his chance to be a dad to Nixxon because he walked out for too long. Glenda sacrificed a friendship, Alphaba melted (haha) at the end things seem to work out even through the sacrifices and prices we pay for the choices we make.

Creep Alert

Sometimes people do crazy things. Sometimes crazy people do things. Sometimes crazy people push past boundaries. Sometimes crazy people push those boundaries until someone gets mad. Sometimes I get mad when crazy people push the boundaries and do not use their common sense. Sometimes that crazy person is Joe.
In the midst of trying to get back together with me Joe pulled something that really irritated my family and myself. He was already being a pain to me with everything, but he took a new step and decided to step into my families boundaries. I kinda think he forgot that we were getting ready to take each other to court with a lot of the things he tried to pull on me. I tried to stay somewhat civil with him. I kept my responding texts short, blunt and to the point. I tried not to lead him on with things. I felt like minimal contact is what we needed, that is what lawyers are for. I was paying mine some pretty good money to handle this yet I was dealing with Joe and his little things that my lawyer really couldn't help with other than guide me on how to handle it. I simply just wanted to be left alone. It was a lot of stress on me and my family and getting texts and such really didn't help at all.
"Hey sorry to bug you but we're getting ready to start summer training for cross country and I was wondering if your sister(my youngest) would be interested. Also I'll be giving private lessons for track this summer. She should come out. She could be really good at track."
 "She is on drill and had it everyday on top of extra classes. She is only a dancer"
"That's okay just let her know please. If she is interested at all I can work around her schedule" 
I couldn't believe him. He had lectured me months ago that Nixxon could not dance and run competitively because each one trains their body to do different things, like dancers train their hips to turn out and runners shouldn't do that I guess? So why ask my sister to try running if she is totally focused on dancing and training really hard for drill team. PLUS the fact we are taking each other to court next month. Most people don't invite the opposing party to private lessons unless they have an alternative motive behind it? Kinda odd right? Well this is where it gets even more weird.
Within ten minutes I get a call from my little sister who is barely 15 years old. She is bawling. "Joe messaged me on facebook and I opened it to see what it said. He wants to give me private lessons for track and I don't even run." This little girl was pretty shook up. Even though there really was not a really dangerous threat of him hurting her through a private facebook message, he really creeped her out for doing that.  I had her screen shot the message, send it to me then block him, which we are not exactly sure how he became unblocked in the first place.
I was livid. I had just told him no. She was not interested but he decided to privately message a minor teenage girl, offer her "private lessons" and he is volunteering for the high school as a coach. No coaches/ teachers should not be offering private lessons especially in a private conversation. That is something you talk to the parents about. Not the child. I had had it.
"Please don't be contacting my family" I sent to him as I was shaking I was so upset.
"Sorry it's just an offer I've had parents ask me to give lessons and I'll coach anyone that is interested but sorry I'll leave you alone."
 "Well my family is the last people you to need to be contacting especially my 15 year old sister"
"I really didn't any offense sorry I'll leave you alone"
I didn't need to keep arguing with him but I was upset and my parents were extremely upset about a 20 year old man offering their 15 year old private lessons. His creep factor just sky rocketed in my book, and my family and friends. You just do not do that. And especially not in our situation.

Forks in the road.

Life gets confusing. It gets messy. It gets stressful. Difficult times make you think messy, because you get confused it makes you stress more. Life is always bringing a new fork in the road it seems like. It gets confusing/messy/ stressful when you have to pick which side of the fork you are going to choose. You always think you have that choice made up until it actually presents itself to you and forces you to make your choice.
It had crossed my mind if trying to work things out with Joe was what I needed to do. I never had really considered it but wondered. Wondered if we should talk things out. Get it all out, bring everything to the surface. Go to counseling and work out the problems we had when we were together and patch up our extremely rough situation we were in. No. I knew that was not what  I needed to do.  I never thought it would actually be brought up though. Forcing me to make that decision on the spot.
One night I got a text from Joe which is normal to get one out of the blue. This one was " Hey {M} how are you? Sorry it's so late I was just reading the scriptures and came across Philippians 1:3 and it reminded me of you. I have thinking a lot about you and Nixxon and I do thank God for you even if the remembrance is all that I have of you right now I really hope we can work things out." 
I did not respond but I did run to my scriptures to see what this scripture was. When I opened to it and read it I kind of wanted to gag "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you" is what I read. I do not understand how you go from abandoning me and your child to that, It just doesn't make sense. I showed my parents and we all just kind of laughed about it. Didn't think too much about it then.
A few nights later I got another one from him this one was "Hey sorry I know your probably not supposed to talk to me. And to be honest I'm not supposed to talk to you either but i just wanted to tell you I got a job back in town so I'll be able to move home. And I wanted to see if you would maybe want to catch a movie together or if  I could take you to dinner when you get some free time" 
I text my lawyer to see how I should respond. He laughed at me and said something about how silly this was. Joe had filled papers against me in court but is asking me out. He then coursed me through the rest of our conversation.
"I dont feel that it would be appropriate" I responded to him.
"What if we just went on a walk or something it doesn't have to be a date. I hate waiting around for the courts to keep pushing our date back. And I would really would  just like to hang out and get to know each other again. even though it wasn't under the best circumstances I liked talking to you when I first came home"
"Im still not interested"
" Alright I'm sorry have a good night."
Now before you think I am heartless and he "really is trying" keep in mind just a few months ago his girlfriend dumped him. Girls probably have heard what he had done and do not want to date someone with this reputation. Also he is getting desperate because he could loose his chance to meet his daughter so this was a last resort. Playing with my emotions all over again. Lucky for me this conversation did not get to me very much. Unfortunately it  did enough that I started to pray about it. I asked my Heavenly Father if getting back together was some thing I needed to do for Nixxon. I didn't get an answer right away.
Before I knew it a few days later I was getting another round of texts from Joe
"Hey can I ask you something?"
" What?"
"Sorry just to be completely honest I think about you and Nixxon everyday and how you are doing and to be honest I want to be apart of your lives. I was just wondering if i had any chance to try and make things up to you and maybe even date again and see where things take us. Sorry this sounds really weird but basically  do I have any chance at all of being with you again? And if so what do I have to do to make things right with you and your family"
I ran up to my parents in tears after reading this. I was confused. Yes this guy had been a jerk to me but after all, he was the father of my child. We once were happy. We could try hard and be the family I had once dreamed about. Being a family is the ideal situation to be with your child's father. When I started talking to my parents about how I felt and how I was thinking. My mom got upset with me. She asked if she needed to grab the book of everything we had went through to protect Nixxon and me from him. Then I remembered she was kind of right. I had prayed about this long ago and got a clear answer about it. Nixxon and I were meant for someone else. Not Joe. I was still a little torn. A part of me wanted to work things out, then the majority of me knew I needed to be strong and continue with the path I was taking before. I knew the answer and I needed to follow my heart and my brain. No. NO I would not put myself through the hell he put me through when we were and were not together, and I was not about to drag my daughter through a mess like that.
Joe text me again before I responded " Sorry that sounded super weird in text I wish I could talk to you in person. But {m} I know you probably have no feelings for me and I dont blame you I dont deserve forgiveness  for anything ive done but I do still have feelings for you"
I pretty much felt like I needed to make this decision within a few minutes. It was actually difficult to sort through so many emotions and feelings and decide what was right,then put in into words that couldn't come back and bite me later on.
"{Joe} this is something I have thought and prayed about a lot. I just dont think things will ever work out between us because you have betrayed me so many times, you cheated, you abandoned me and my daughter when we needed you the most. You and your family made me out to be a horrible person when all I have done is told the truth and tried to do what is best for my daughter. I dont think that I could fully trust you again after everything you have done. Im not saying I cant forgive you but I think you burned that bridge the day you decided to walk away"
" Is there anything I can do to prove I'm different than I was in high school? You dont even have to let me meet Nixxon until you feel comfortable"
"I don't think there is anything you could do"
"I'm Sorry"
I felt kind of bad if he was serious. But I had to do what I felt was best for Nixxon and I.  I wanted her to grow up with two parents who love her and each other. I couldn't risk having to fake a happy relationship just so Nixxon could have her biological parents together. I also didn't want to just settle for an okay relationship because it could have worked out to a point. But that would only show Nixxon that she can settle for just okay also. I never want her to just settle for anything.
A few days went on and I got the random texts most I did not respond to but then  Joe sent me a text that pushed me to the limit. He said that other people had given him pictures of Nixxon but he wanted one from me. First of no I would not give him one. Second...  I was most definitely not  in any way okay with the fact that people were giving pictures of MY daughter to people with out my permission. I was pretty sure they were coming from my facebook, I was pretty careful about who I left as a friend on there. I also tried not to post too many but somewhere I failed. It really bothered me to the point where I made my family delete pictures they had posted about her, I even deleted my facebook for a time.  Before I did I posted a small rant that I was not okay with things being taken from my facebook and given to others without my permission and how it was my life and I shared the things in my life with who I wanted and kept certain people out of it for reasons they did not understand, and probably would not every have to try to understand.
Joe then began to keep asking me out and to go hang out with his family. I told him no every time. I didn't want to be around him and especially not his family.
I soon got another text from Joe saying "Sorry I just have been thinking about you and was just wondering if you have any feelings for me at all anymore"
"Not really. You do realize I went to counseling to get over you right? A lot of my single parenting counseling had to deal with coming to terms that you didnt love me and I needed to move on for Nixxon. Three years ago I had a lot of feelings for you but you have changed a lot and so have I"
I never got a response after that one. I am sure it was hard for him. I had to deal with it. He rejected me a lot and now I was doing the same thing he had done to me for years, I just had a completely different motive behind why I was choosing to not get back together with him. This is something we argued about a lot since then. He said we would stay together unless I left him and I dont believe a loveless marriage/relationship would solve anything. He also mentioned we had a special bond because we had Nixxon, which to a point is true, but we never had the chance to bond through a pregnancy, her birth, sleepless nights, and watching all of her firsts. We had a child together but it was a relationship similar to one with a sperm donor.
Coming to terms that we were not meant to be together was extremely hard on me when I went through the months of heart ache years ago and I am sure Joe did have a hard time with it and still may. I know it is the right thing for all of us. Joe deserves to find someone who accepts him and his past and makes him happy, I do really hope he can find that one day. I know Nixxon and I will someday too. Choosing which fork you need to take is always hard, but you just need to take a deep breath, pray hard, and trust yourself.