The first test I KNEW the answer to. And such a Happy Happy Birthday

After my whole rock bottom I knew I had to take this trial and rock it and not let it rock me. I knew it was going to be tough but I needed to bw strong. 
One day I was meeting with one of my high school friends when my lawyers assistant called me. She asked if I had that next Friday off and I was like ya and she went on to tell me that it was good because we had a paternity test scheduled. 
I was like okay whatever I knew that was coming.  But then I went to tell my parents when it was scheduled. ...that Friday was February 14....my 20th birthday.  Once I realized that I was kinda upset. I cant say I had any huge plans but I surely did not want to spend any part of my birthday around Joe at all. Unfortunately I had no choice. 
Time flew by and after a few days I found myself in the passenger side of my dads car as we headed about a half hour away to go to the paternity test. My dad was coming along to not only help me find the building but to make sure If Joe was there that nothing happened. 
That morning Joe had text me to tell me Happy Birthday.  It was nice of him but I was so mad at him for scheduling this appointment on my birthday. Made my day even worse.
The weather fit my mood. It was a gloomy February day. Cloudy and snowing just a little bit.
We past the building where I use to go to LDD family for counselling when I was pregnant with Nixxon. I thought back to when I was doing counselling and how I use to think nothing like this would be happening for many many years. Oh was I wrong.
We pulled into the parking lot of the address I was given. We drove through the parking lot to see if we could see any sign of Joe because we were not told if he would be there also.  Not too long after sitting there a car pulled into the parking lot.  Joe and his sister Leah got out with a gift bag of some type.
I sorta lost it. I really did not think it was smart for us to be in the same building at all. We had constantly been arguing the last few weeks. I was practically yelling about how stupid this was and unfair.  Joe had not seen Nixxon with his own eyes yet and he was not about to today. My dad told me to calm down a little bit he wasn't going to let that happen.   He then drove us about a block away and then told me to stay in the car and he would go check us in and tell the people that I would be in as soon as Joe left as a safety precaution. 
Soon my dad called me and said Joe was back doing the cheek swab right now and to stay in the car until he called back. A few more minutes went by and my dad called to say he was on his way back. He told me to still wait for him. When my dad finally got back he said that Joe had spotted him in the lobby amd walked over and asked if my dad would give me the gift bag. My dad kindly told them he did not feel that was a smart idea and he would not take it. So Joe and Leah both walked out. Got in the car.  And left.
As we sat in the Lobby waiting to be called in I was anxious.  I couldnt hold still.  Neither could Nixxon but that is pretty common for an almost 2 year old.
Soon the nurse or what ever she is called for me. We went back and sat down. She then asked "so which one of you is NixxIon(Nixxyieon)?" I couldn't help but think Nixxion? What on earth she is not french their is no I  after the xxs. 
I was nice when I said "uhm she is Nixxon." Then I had to give them permission to change the paper work to change the spelling of Nixxons name. I couldnt believe he couldn't even spell her name correctly when it was in his phone from my texts. 
So they stabbed her cheeks which honestly swabbing a toddlers cheek is not an easy task. But Nixxy got a sucker after so she was glad. Then the nurse pulled out a camera and took our picture.  It was a Polaroid so it spit the picture out after it took it. She gave us one and taped the other on to out papers.  She then took Nixxons social security card and copied it then told us we were done. I was confused I was sure I needed to have my dna to be tested against her to prove that I had actually brought the correct child. The lady said nope only Nixxons dna was needed. So we gathered our stuff and left.
I kept teasing that this would probably be the only test that I fully knew the answer to. There was not even a sliver of a chance Nixxon could be any one elses but Joe.
Since it was my birthday my dad bought me a wonderful wal mart birthday cake to eat later. My grandma was also making me dinner that night. I know sounds like such an awesome party right?  Haha anyway as soon as I finished my dinner I got a text from my co workers at subway that they needed me to come in because my boss wouldn't answer his phone. Since it was Valentines day and a holiday weekend they were pretty busy. I felt bad so I told my family I needed to leave and I spent the rest of my night at subway until i finally text my boss and told him it would be super nice if he would come help because my family was eating my birthday cake without me and I had asked not to work that day long before he did. He came in for a like 5 minutes then left. Luckily the store slowed down and I was able to leave. I went home and got Nixxon ready for bed. And we slept.
A few weeks later I got a text from Joe saying "I didn't know if they emailed you or not but I just wanted to let you know that the results of the test came back and she most defiantly is mine haha she was like I little clone of me almost"
I didnt respond. I didn't need to. I had known that all along. I didn't need the DNA to tell me I knew it.

Hitting Rock Bottom

You never really know that you have hit rock bottom until you feel like a failure to thrive. You no longer have any want to keep moving forward and try to make things better. You literally just want to fall into your grave and not look back.
Within days I was sitting in my lawyers office telling him to officially serve Joe with the Termination of Rights papers. My lawyer looked at me and said "Are you ready for this?" I said "I think so, I don't know if there is a way around it" My parents who were 100% supportive in  my decision to pursue terminating his rights and claiming abandonment, voiced their concerns that we felt there was no other way to go now. We all felt it was time to end this crazy battle for once and for all and get some closure on it all.
I was terrified. It was either going to go the way of his rights were going to be terminated and life was going to go as I had planned. Or they were going to do a 180 and suddenly Nixxon was going to have a father, one she had not met in her almost 2 year life. Suddenly she was going to have to meet a new family that was completely different than my family the one she was use to being with all the time. How could I totally let my little girls life change in an instant. I was absolutly terrified about what was going to happen in the next two weeks
My lawyer sent the papers off to be served. He told us he had X amount of days to respond to the papers or I would by default win, if that is the right words. I had to literally do a little stalking. I knew where he worked but I needed to find out his address. He had recently moved to Heber City with some relatives. I couldn't just ask for his address without giving it away that I was serving him so I went all creeper status. It worked. I found his address eventually.
I waited a couple of days before I got a call from my lawyers assistant saying that Joe had been served. I was relieved to know that the count down was on, but scared because the count down was on. It did not take long to get a response from Joe, but now Joe had a lawyer. This is when I knew things were intense.
I lost it after that. I just had a feeling that this would be the end. My life was going to change dramatically and this person who I thought was done controlling my life was slowly prying back into it. There was not even a lot that I could do to stop it either. I had hired one of the best lawyers in the State of Utah. I wasn't sure how good of a lawyer Joe had though. But all I could do is tell the truth, pray, and hope for the best.
I remember the one day I do not know if I could have sunken any deeper. The night before my mom and I had gotten into a huge fight. I honestly don't even remember what it was about. I just remember she locked herself in her bathroom for hours until my dad called her best friend to come talk to her because he was worried about her. I seen the emotional toll it was not only taking on me but my whole family. I couldn't handle seeing my choices from years ago until now hurt my family this way and I lost it. The next day I had lost all wanting to move on with my life. Every second that I was alone and away from my family I cried. If I still had a problem with cutting myself I can only imagine how my hips and wrists would have looked after that day. I remember multiple times I just had to curl up into a ball and I couldn't even cry. My eyes felt like there was no more tears to be cried. I had to get my self together for moments at a time to attend my cousins wedding. Lucky for me the ceremony lasted 20 minutes and I had a few hours until the family dinner and when I got home for that once again I curled up on the floor and I just prayed to my Heavenly Father. I just asked for help. Please just help me and my family. I didn't know what I needed by help, but I needed my Father in Heaven to help. On this day I felt so alone. My parents were still a little stressed from the night before so I couldn't really talk to them. I didn't want to stress my sisters out anymore. My friends didn't exactly understand how I was feeling. No one did. I was alone. I wasn't suicidal by any means, but moving on with my life was not something I wanted to do. That is probably a feeling most people may never understand but I felt it very strong on this one day. I remembered my all time favorite scripture of Doctrine and Covenants 121. This scripture is when Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail. He says a prayer begging for the Lords help. That is the scripture I read when I feel any bit down because the Lord tells The Prophet that it is only a small moment of his life he feels this way. He has loved ones who will help him and love him. He does not understand why these things are happening to him but marvelous things will happen if he endures to the end. I knew I needed to pick my feet up and move on. If I stayed faithful things were going to work out. I had Nixxon. Nixxon needed her mom. I am her only parent. I needed to remember she is my life and she needs me to fight this feeling and fight for her. God was answering my prayers for help. He was reminding me I was tough,I was strong, I had family who was behind me the whole way. I was going to be okay because I was in the Lords hands and he was doing things his way, the way things needed to be. By the next day I was okay. I could smile again.
 I don't know if any other point in my life have I felt so low as I did that day. It was a feeling that I could not even describe but it was very real. Life really is a roller coaster. I can't deny that. Some lows are lower than others and some highs are higher than others. It keeps life interesting. But after hitting what felt like rock bottom of this roller coaster I was ready to move on and fight for what I knew was right.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

There is a saying that says " Hope for the best, Plan for the worst," I really should take this saying  to heart. I have a problem that when I see things are going well I assume they will continue to stay that way. I  am a little naive when it comes to that, I assume nothing will go wrong. After I met with Nixxon's Biological father, I learned this the hard way.
I had my sisters take Nixxon to a family members house while we met just in case things got crazy and went south. As soon as I went to pick her up, I received a text from her biological father pretty much just apologized. That led us into starting to talk more, and more. It started to feel like old times when we were dating. I knew not to let my self fall for him because first of all he did have a girlfriend. Second of all I knew he was a sweet talker and I should be careful not to fall for his words because his actions rarely follow through with what has been said.
We talked a lot about Nixxon. It was kinda nice to talk to someone who really wanted to hear about her because they were their parent, even if he had never met her yet. As a parent you still have a connection to your child's father no matter how bad things get. Doesn't mean you love or even like each other but there is always one common thing tying you together.
We talked about how she liked the song "What does the Fox say?" and how he hates that song. We talked about how she is kinda a picky eater but usually will eat meat. I told him how she could eat Swedish fish all day long, and he said that she really was his because that is how he is. It was kinda neat to see the things she got from him. I always knew since the day she was born she had his eyes, and his nose and his hairline but there was little things that I had forgot about after a few years of not talking.
He randomly would apologize for all the little things, I couldn't tell him that it was all okay because it wasn't yet. I just told him that I was getting over it and the better he treated Nixxon and I the easier it would be for me to really get over it and start to forgive him. As much as I wanted to forgive  him I still needed time and needed to see how things played out so I didnt take one step forward and 17 steps back all over again.
We talked about dating. I asked him how him and his girlfriend were, he said they were not together anymore because she was a little upset that he had lied to her and she defended him and it was all a little too much for her. I seriously didn't blame her one bit.   He asked how my dating life was and had asked if I was waiting for a mutual friend that I had recently dated for a few months and had been on his mission for about 6 months. I told him no, I told him that we were writing and if when he got back he wanted to try things out I would love to. We talked about what if we would have gotten married like we had planned and how things have changed. He asked if I would let Nixxon go to his wedding and I told him I am sure I would if things were still working out. It felt weird talking to him about marriage and not to each other. We had always had our lives planned out.
 We were going to get married soon after high school our first baby would be a girl named Jamie(JA his the first letters of his real name) MI is the first of mine and an E ends our names...well my nick name. Then we would have another girl named Anna Mae and one named Priscilla then a son named Porter. We were also going to have a husky named wolfy. He was going to build me the dance studio of my dreams so I could teach dance. Life with him seemed perfect. talking to him made me rethink of all this and  how much farther than that we were. We were not married. Our daughters name is Nixxon. I cant dance anymore, and my parents have a cat.
I still knew even though we could attempt to work things out it wasn't what was best for any of the three of us.
We talked a lot about the things we did together and how fun it was being around each other. It was kinda like a high school reunion, but with the only person you cared about at one point who suddenly let your world crash in the blink of an eye.
Things started to get a little rocky between us when his parents were pushing for him to get a paternity test done. I didnt see why we needed to and he was on his parents side. We began to argue about that. He also started asking me to sign a document that said even after he terminated his paternal rights that I would let him see Nixxon on my terms. I didn't feel okay about it and my lawyer said it wasn't a good idea either. I assured him that I was not trying to pull one from under him but there was no other way to do it other than go to court, and neither of us wanted to go that route. Suddenly we were constantly arguing. Finally he decided he would take his chances in the court room. After a few weeks of always texting and starting to mend our relationship that had crashed and burned a long time ago, he crashed and burned my hopes and trust all over again.

The meeting

I sat in my laundry room just waiting to hear a truck.  I had not been this nervous in so long. Making awkard noises ans faces to my mom is a way I handle stress for some reason and thats all I could do in that moment.
A few days before I had messaged Nixxons biological father on Facebook setting up a time we could meet. I asked him to meet at my house and asked that just us two would meet. He said that woild be fine and we decided to meet on January 4, 2014.
As he pulled up and walked to mu door, an extreme amount of anger hit me because of what his actions had put me through for the last couple of years. As I opened the door I slid those feelings aside with the swing of the door and invited this person into my home.
He told me how nice my new house was and then I told him he could sit down. I asked him if he had any questions and he said no so I started with my questions that went like this;

Why did you just walk away? What was so wrong with a baby?
He couldnt give me a decent answer to this he just said that he didn't know and he was stupid.
How did you just walk school me pregnant with your baby and not want to be involved.
He responded  with I wanted to be involved but I had assumed you had moved on and didnt want me involved.
Do you realize the reputation I now have for being a "whore" for the things you said about me?
He said he realized that.
Why now? Whu not when she was born?
He said the same answer as before.
How involved do you want to be?
He said as much as I would let him be.
What relationship do you want with her?
As much of one as I would let him be.
What are you willing to to give up for her?
He said as much as I would let him.
Do you really want to be in her life or is this just for repentance?
He got very defensive when he answered and said that he didn't have to come home from his mission in Mexico but hr felt it was time to be involved.
Did you ever wonder about her?
He said all the time.
What are you going to do to vindicate me because of your lies that have ruined my name?
He said that if anyone asked he would tell them the truth but until then it was none of their business.
I then told him all of the things I lost, dealt with or gave up after getting pregnant which was.
*I lost my best friend (him)
*I took a pregnancy test alone and could not get ahold of him to tell him it was positive.
*I had to tell my parents alone.
*I quit drill team which was my life at the time and he wouldn't talk to me the night I quit.
*I was stereotyped as a whore because of the rumors
* I didn't get to go to Sr.  Ball
*I had to hold off on college and still am taking it very slow.
*I work my butt off to support her.
*I lost a lot of friends because of the rumors.
*I lost my social life.
*I went through labor alone, only my mom was with me.
*I did not get to participate in seminary graduation.
*my dating life was not very active because of the rumors.
*I did not get to take region drill team with all of my friends.
He didn't say much to any of this
Then I told him a few of the things he had missed out on and cant get back.
*missed the first doctors appointment to hear the heart beat.
*was not there for the pregnancy test because going to a water park with friends was more important.
*was not there to feel any of her kicks.
*Not there for the first ultrasound.
*Was not there to find out she was a girl.
*Was not there when I went to the hospital.
*Was not there for the 12 hours of labor
*was not there when we thought she was deaf.
*didn't see her first smile.
*was not there for her first roll.
*was not there whe  she first started to crawl.
*was not there when she started to walk.
*was not there when she started talking
*was not there for any doctor appointments.
*had not been there for any birthday or Christmas.
*also all the little moments in between.
Then I told him that this was something I had prayed about and if he wanted a relationship with Nixxon that he needed to do what was best for Nixxon and what I felt was best for Nixxon is if he would sign away or terminate his parental rights to Nixxon.
I told him I did not need child support because I was financially okay and she was well taken care of. I told him if he signed I would allow him to see her on my terms I seen fit for her. I don't told him it was not a way to get back at him or to hold it against him. I reminded him of the fact that I had not lied to him in the past. This is the best way to keep our lives free of drama and could work things out outside of the legal system. I also told him if he decided not to we would have two get lawyers involved and all that money we could both spend in that process would be better spent on Nixxon. I also told him if he wouldn't sign that I did not know as I would be comfortable with him being around her.
He look the papers over and said that he was probably going to Simon and he just wanted to talk to his parents first. As he went to walk out of the door I asked if he wanted to know what she looked like. He said yes so I point to the picture of my parents my sisters Nixxon and me.
He said "Wow she really is mine"
There was another picture all the wall of Nixxon and I and one of my sisters and Nixxon. He started looking her and noticing all the things she had to look like him. He noticed she has his ears eyes and nose he also noticed she had his hairline.
I then asked him if he or his family had a history of eczema.  He said "oh no she doesn't have it does she?" I told him and she had a pretty bad and I have wondered why she had it but was glad to know where she got it from. He had told me to be careful with bandaids because his family is allergic to them. We continue to talk about her facial features and who she got what from. I showed him some pictures I had of her on my phone. He kept saying "wow she really is mine"
We continue to talk for at least another hour. He told me about some people he met on his mission. He said that he bought a machete on his way home from mexico and how proud he was of it. He said he had bought his nephews some sunglasses that he would have bought Nixxon something but wasn't sure if I would let her have anything.
We discussed if him and his girlfriend were still dating and how things were a little complicated between them.
Then we discussed how I am writing a few missionaries but not dating anyone right now.
We talked about my financial situation and I told him I am pretty good how I spend my money so Nixxon and has never hurt for anything she needed. He said that he would the willing to help pay for things Nixxon needed, but I told him we were okay that we could discuss money later on we had things a little more figured out.
He then asked how delivery and birth what's he asked how big she was and when I told him he pulled out this phone and put in birthday and her weight and how long she was. He was asking if everything had went okay I told him the only issue we had was she couldn't pass her hearing test in the hospital so we figured that she was deaf.
We discussed that makes sense the song what does the fox say and she really only likes to watch barney.
I also explained that I wanted Nixxon in a stable home I did not want her going from home to home each with a different lifestyle he said he understood. He also said but he knew my house was Nixon's home I didn't want to take it from her.
I explained that I wasn't specially not okay with Nixxon going around his family without me because I remember he told me a few times that his dad had beat or physically hurt him or his mom when I said this to him he knew what I was talking about but his dad was like a teddy bear around the grandkids.
We had a little bit more of small talk the. He asked if my parents were home and if he could apologize to them. I ran downstairs to grab them ans brought them up to talk to them.
He apologized for what he did and said he planned on signing. Then he was out the door.
The dreaded moment was over! I had survived and was brave through talking to someone who made me feel such horrible emotions for a few years. But I was feeling peace for once that things were going to get better.

Am I doing this right Elder Ballard?

Tonight I was blessed to be able to go to the CES fireside given by Elder Ballard. I haven't gone to the last few CES firesides for one reason or another but its seniors week for high schools students to come visit the Singles branch and my little sister is a senior so I thought it was a great time to go.
Elder Ballard was a joy to listen to. I got a kick out of him saying they were broadcasting from San Fransisco, when really it was San Diego. All of his little jokes were pretty funny but his talk really got to me.
 When he first started out by talking about the leaders of the church and how they actually do not live under rocks. They actually do know what goes on in the world, they travel from some of the most rich places in the world to the most poor parts of the world to give aid and meet with other leaders. They live more of a life than most people get to, by serving the Lord. He also spoke about how their age is a benefit to us. As a group each person in the quorum have lived through many difficulties in their lives. They have dealt with many of the same trials we have to go through everyday and their wisdom and experience is there to help us.
Then he started to speak about technology. I was slightly offended by his words and talking about how many people spend way too much time on their smart phones and tablets and such. Then I remembered this scripture from 1 Nephi 16:2 "And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the ^ctruth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center." So obviously I am guilty in this department so I decided I probably should listen to what he had to say. 
I loved that he did say that we should use technology for good. I have to agree. Technology helps to get things out to people all over the world that normally could never get the chance to hear what you have to say. Most of the social media he mentioned I use daily. I had to think if I was using them for good though. Sadly I was not so much. Not that I post inappropriate on these pages but I usually complain about things and what good does complaining do? Not very much. This has shown me to post things that are only good. Even though things are not always so peachy you can always look for the silver lining. 
When he started to compare modern days to the days of ancient prophets and the days of Joseph Smith and the differences between them. They were able to look at the night sky every night,  now days that is not always possible. Not that we can change that but things do change and the world is not the same as it was only 200 years ago. Their days and nights were quiet making it much easier to find peace and time to meditate in silence. They were able to enjoy solitude that now days is such a rare thing. As he talked about this I thought about this last week when my job took me to some ponds to watch over a fishing class. I was only a few miles away from subdivisions and could see the nearby church from where I was but being in such a place of nature gave me a little solitude to think about things a little bit. I wasn't able to rely on my phone to keep me company because my battery was pretty much dead and thought it was best to save the last of the juice just in case of an emergency. Since I did not know many of the people there I ended up by my self. I actually enjoyed it. I was able to see animals I had never seen  before and had the ability to listen to my own thoughts with minimal distractions. I was entertained by meditaion and quiet time. As I get to continue to watch over this fishing class I am looking forward to enjoying the time away form the world. Even The Savior took time out of his life to go alone and pray and meditate. 
When Elder Ballard said something about making our technology be our servants and not letting them be our masters. I wanted to like clap for him, but that may have been inappropriate for a devotional, but he is so right! We have so many apps and games, and everything else that grabs our attention and we are on them so much. They are things that are not really that necessary. I am so guilty of this. I am always checking twitter, Facebook, and instagram. Yet I am not talking to anyone. I can be in the same room as Nixxon, my mom, or someone else and not even talking to someone there. I am too busy looking and reading about things that probably are not going to help me in the future. Bonding with those who I spend so much time with is so much more beneficial to me. Nixxon is growing up so fast and it scares me to think about how much I have missed and what I can continue to miss by spending more time with people who are not within miles of me rather than my own daughter. Him talking about all of the time spent has really made me want to dramatically cut down on my time on these kinds of things. 
Then he started to talk about being on these devices during church. I have to say I am kinda guilty of this also. I usually do pretty good until someone sends me a text and honestly they are sitting a seat in front of me so I feel the need to respond or else they will get mad at me. I really should only use my phone for scriptures and hymn book during the sacrament meeting. Then when the Sacrament is being given putting my phone away for those few minutes and actually thinking about the Savior and the Atonement. The Savior gave it all for me, why cant I give up my phone for those few minutes to think of his sacrifice and pray about it? I will definitely be using my phone so much more differently now on during church.
He then hit me again when he started talking about going to the temple. I have not been in the temple since I was probably 15 years old and was doing baptisms for the dead with my ward. I started to think about how much I loved doing baptisms for the dead, and the feelings and comfort I had while doing them. I have lately been thinking about going through the temple and taking out my endowments if its possible but I do not feel like it is the right time. I am worthy for a temple recommend though and I think soon I need to actually get an interview to get mine again and make time to go to the temple and perform baptisms. I look forward to the day that I can do this and feel the comfort and blessing the temple has to offer. Until then I may be taking his advice and simply visiting the temple grounds. I let my mind wander and thought it would actually be a pretty cool date if a guy took me to do baptisms one day. I was pulled back into the talk when he started to say that Satan wants to keep us as far away from the temple as possible because it is the Lords house. I cant wait to get back to the temple and hear the still small voice of the Lord and get answers to the prayers that I say.
Then he started to talk about the war, the war we have been in since the pre-mortal existence. He said that we need to put the whole armor of God NOW. It is not a time to stand and watch others fight the war, but we need to do it now and not wait any longer. 
Then he started to talk about the plague of pornography. This is often such an awkward topic for people but it a much needed topic to be talked about. It is such a dangerous thing to get tangled up in and it seems to be more common than ever. I have had close friends deal with this kind of addiction and the only way they could get over it was to get professional help. I loved how Elder Ballard talked about it like it is tobacco and how the Lord gave us the Word of Wisdom to protect us, and how we all know the negative effects of tobacco use now because of scientific test done in the last 50 years or so.  He said that we don't have to wait years to find results of the effects of the use of pornography. It is such a nasty habit that can ruin relationships with family, friends and spouses.  He used the word "crippled" and said something about it brings on obsessive behaviors and rewires how we think. When he said this I thought of something I had been told either in my psychology class or somewhere that many serial killers and rapists first started off with an addiction to pornography and it slowly became not good enough so other acts had to take over that slowly ended up in killing or raping. It is such a scary thing to think about. He talked about how its a secret activity and how that it makes them do things that they are not proud of and causes things like depression, anxiety and low self esteem. He talked  about how it tears apart families. I  have had people confide in me about their addiction to pornography and when those they cared about found out about it how much it heart them. The friends who have talked to me about this often say it was not something they meant to get into but some how it wedged itself into their live and slowly took over their thoughts and actions. He said that if this is something you have to deal with that it is the time to get help with now.  
I remembered my process of repentance after I found out I was pregnant. It was absolutely terrifying to walk into the bishops office and tell him things I was too ashamed to tell my own parents, but once I did I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that I had literally taken the first step on the road to redemption. Even though I was confessing something other than pornography I can only imagine the feelings and guilt are quite similar. I hope Elder Ballards talk inspired at least a few people to get the help they so desperately are looking for and themselves can take a step on the path to redemption.
The last thing he spoke about is such a touchy subject lately. He wanted to talk about marriage and the same sex marriage debate that is such a hot topic lately. I was able to pull more out of this than just what he was talking about. When he mentioned The Family A Proclamation To The World and how children should be born into a family of a mother and a father who are married, I couldn't help but to tear up a little. Yes I have failed on that, but I am working on making that possible for my little girl who does deserve an eternal family. I can only hope that the way I live my life and they way I have chosen to do with Nixxon help me to make it up and give her an eternal family with a loving father someday.
When he really got into the same sex marriage/ attraction part of his talk I thought he handled the topic well. It is a very touchy subject for many people. I really liked how he said something about those who promote same sex marriage have the right to but so do those who oppose it. I myself do not support same sex marriage, but just because I do not support it does not mean that I think of less of those who choose not to believe the way I do. I do not love them any less because they are still a Child of God. I will stand for the Lords plan for happiness, but I will not judge those who do not live the way I do. I am not perfect so who I am to judge? I have talked to those who are okay with same sex marriage and they often say they don't understand the churches stand on it because it is not a choice to be attracted to the same sex. Elder Ballard nailed it by saying that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints understands that is not a choice, but acting upon it is. I can't imagine the amount of stress and hardships of those who have to deal with this. I can only imagine those who have to deal with that attraction, but fight the want to act on it will be oh so rewarded for their choice to be faithful in the words of the Lord. I am so glad that he said that we should not shun or act unChrist-like to those who feel differently. Loving them and being Christlike is the best way to handle those situations.
He also had a quick comment about those who do abuse their families and fail to take on the responsibility of their families will be held accountable for that one day. I could help but to think of the many kids who their parents abuse them or neglect them, and it breaks my heart. Just because they may not be punished for what they have done in this life, that one day they will. 
I took so much from this talk and hope that I can continue to remember the things that I felt and that I want to change in my life from this talk. I am so blessed that I get to hear the words of one of the Lords faithful servants today and they are so in-tune with what so many of us need to hear to make our lives better and strengthen their relationship with God.  

Since you have been waiting for an update ;)

Its been over a month since I have posted.  I wish I could tell you what happened after I got the letters from Nixxons biological father. Here is a short explanation of what has went on.
We had a court date for March 12 I believe.  Well soon after I found out about it I got a notification that the opposing party needed to push the date back more so then we were scheduled for April 23. While waiting for that, the opposing party got a court date before my court date...even though my notion had been filed weeks before his. Anyway Nixxons birthday was March 25 and guess what day the court date was for. In a later post I will tell you what happened in court. As it got closer to april 23 I got another notification that my date had been pushed back again to May 8. Well my family wouldnt be there for that one so now we are scheduled to appear in court on June 18.
I hope it doesnt change again. The court system is slow. I hate that we have had to push it back so many times and its frustrating.  Getting all prepared to go to court then get told you have to wait another month to go.
I wish I could give you more details of what is going on and has happened but a lot of it is being used as evidence in court and I just feel that the information probably shouldnt be on the internet for the world to read just yet. So keep us in your prayers for court not to change again haha.
Here is what I can tell you has happened since I last posted. Nixxon turned two! Other than spending the day in court it was a good day. We were with lots of family and since court got out pretty late we were able to go to dinner then go to a Nicklearcade and play games. Nixxon pretty much would only play one where you spray a water hose onto a fire. It was a pretty broken machine and stopped spraying water halfway through the game but she LOVED it. We couldnt get her off of it. We didn't win a million tickets but she had a blast and that is all that mattered to me.
We also had a birthday party a few days later. Can you geussw the theme? Fire fighter.  We decorated with lots of fun stuff. We had a lot of family and friends come to celebrate with us. She was so spoiled! Her favorite gift was from her best friend Molly. She gave her a fire fighter dress up kit. It had a helmet, a fire jacket, a megaphone, a badge, and a fire extinguisher. After she opened that she was done. She wouldnt open any more.  We ate "fire dogs" had lots of hot candy and the kids played on Nixxons fire truck she had gotten for Christmas.  It was such a fun day!
Nixxon is also getting the whole talking thing down.  She also is learning her colors,  letters and finally working on the potty training train wooot wooo! She is growing up so fast I can't believe it. She is really a little girl now and not my little baby she was always meant to be. This little girl thing is pretty fun though.  I cant wait for the new adventures in store as she gets older.
As for me, I decided to transfer to Utah State University and do there online criminal justice program. I also decided it was time to apply to new jobs. I applied for one for the city as the recreation department as an office aide.  I actually got an interview.  I was shocked.  I interviewed and ha I got the job. It was a huge cut in hours from 40 hours to 10 a week and a cut in pay, but I went for it. At first I wanted to try and work at subway and the city but my subway boss was not good at working me certain days and times even though it was a really easy change.  I got another interview for an assisted living as a CNA. I got that job also. I did a lot of praying and thinking and decided it was time to move on from the only job I had ever known and decided to give my two weeks at subway. 
That place was getting ridiculous. I was working weeks without a day off. I was always staying later than scheduled and everyone kept quitting and not showing up for shifts.  My boss was pretty rude about my religion and my lifestyle and I couldn't take it anymore.  So this Tuesday was my last day there. A few bosses had asked me to stay longer but I couldn't.  Just these few days of not working there has been a lot of stress taken off of me. Its great!  
My city job is a lot of fun. I am just a little office assistant and its great! My boss is a great guy and I am sure we will get along.
I will start at the assisted living as soon as they open it next month. I am super nervous about it because its been a while since I took my course and ive never worked as a cna before. But I am excited for the new experience.
Life is changing a lot and fast. Its been crazy but I think its going to be good. All I can do is keep praying to my Heavenly Father to help and guide me through out this crazy life. I know he knows all and knows best. I just hope I have enough faith to listen and do what needs to be done.
I hope soon I can give you some details and tell you more of what is going on but as for now this is whats going on with us. :)

The letters that changed everything

Its been a while since ive blogged about our lives. Its really been pretty hectic and stressful.
On December 24 I was on my way home from work. I was so excited to get home from a long day at work and celebrate Christmas Eve with my family. I was so excited because I knew Nixxon was going to be so fun this year. As I pulled into the driveway I had an overwhelming feeling to check my mailbox. Which was weird because my family would have already got it by that time of the day. When I opened it there was 3 envelopes in their. I got so excited about it. I had thought it was letters from the missionaries that had been visiting our house.  One small envelope was to us girls of the house and one was to my parents and one was specifically to me. I recognised the hand writting when I looked at it I had a bad feeling that it wasnt what I had hoped. I skipped right to the bottom to see who had signed it. My heart dropped as low as it could go when I seen that it was signed by Nixxons father. I ran into my house as fast as I could screaming for my parents. I searched the top floor of my house looking for anyone. I finally went down stairs and my parents met me at the door and said something about needing to tell me something. I threw the letters at the floor and said "he is home", as I was fighting back tears. This is what I have been afraid of all along.
My parents then told me they had seen Nixxons dad drive past our house earlier that day. But they had no idea about the letters.  They were waiting for me to come home so they could tell me.
We read through the letters. They had said that he was now home and was sorry for what he had done for the last three years and wanted to be involved if I would let him and pretty much that kind of stuff. I called up my friend Kenzie and bawled to her. I didnt know what else to do but I needed to talk to a friend so of course I went to her. While I had been talking to her my parents called my grandma and my grandma hurried right up to make sure we were all okay and just to do what grandmas do.
After an hour or two of me freaking out my parents decided it was time to forget about that and enjoy Christmas and the rest of the holidays.  I wanted to forget about it but thats all I could think about.
I tried my best to not let it get to me and to be as happy as I could for Nixxon.
It was actually a pretty good Christmas.  Nixxon was spoiled by santa, me and of course Grandma and Grandpa. We made sure to spend lots of good quality time together and we did lots and lots of praying together. 
We planned on getting ahold of our lawyer as soon as we could, to talk about our options and what we should do, but we could not get a hold of him for a few days because of the holidays. I was on edge the whole time waiting.  But I was also able to enjoy Nixxon so much more because I realized that our life could change dramatically in the near future.