Chapter 19- My Sacrament meeting talk

I have been asked to speak about Christ and His atonement. I would like to start with this quote I found by President Monson. “We knew that our purpose was to gain a physical body, to overcome trials, and to prove that we would keep the commandments of God. Our Father knew that because of the nature of mortality, we would be tempted, would sin, and would fall short. So that we might have every chance of success, He provided a Savior, who would suffer and die for us.” That was from the Ensign of May 2010. God has a perfect knowledge of everything. He knew when he sent us here that he needed to send his son Jesus Christ to atone for our sins. We know we must try our hardest to be like him, but none of us ever are. We make simple little mistakes every single day, but lucky for us there is a way to make up for our everyday imperfections. The only way this can happen is through Christ and his unimaginable grace and mercy. If we go through the repentance process full heartedly then we can become clean from our sins, big and small. Then the next step is that we must obey the laws and principals of the gospel. God sends us these laws and principals through our prophet, seer and revelator. That is why listening to the prophet is so important. 

 The Atonement and repentance are some of the many things that I have been able to really gain a testimony about over the past year or so. Some of you may know that I have a very adorable little girl named Nixxon. She is 7 months old and the highlight of my life, and I am raising her right now as a single parent. Last year I found out I was going to be a Mom right before my senior year of High school. This news was hard for me, because not only was I going to have a baby but, that I was going to be doing it without her father involved. But I knew I could not blame God, my parents, my friends, the only person I had to blame was myself.  My parents and church leaders had always taught me right from wrong, and what God had expected from all of us. I knew right from wrong but I simply had chosen to ignore what I had been taught and not follow what I knew was right. I knew God had given these laws for reasons to protect us. He was trying to protect me from many trials and tribulations that come with teen pregnancy. I knew I had to take responsibility for my actions. I soon after I started the repentance process. I knew I should study my scriptures everyday. I found one in Luke chapter 15 verse 10, and it says “Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the ^aangels of God over one ^bsinner that repenteth.” This scripture was a comfort to me because I knew that angels were glad that I was repenting and getting back onto the right path. I was also given a quote by a seminary teacher that says “God doesn’t care nearly as much about where  you have been as he does about  where you are  and with his help, where you are willing to go. “ this was found in a talk given by Elder Holland. This quote is very powerful to me still today. I have it hanging on a magnet board in my room to remind me that I may have chosen a different path in life, but I can still get to the same place with the Lords help. I could not have went through my pregnancy with out putting all my faith in Christ. I knew if I kept my faith in the Lord and never gave up trying to make things right, I knew that I could be forgiven  and return to live with my Heavenly Father one day.

Another part of the atonement is that Christ suffered for our pains and afflictions, and overcame physical death so we can be resurrected one day. This part of the atonement is something I am very thankful for. This has been huge for me. I know that Christ has felt everything we feel emotionally and physically. He was able to bare each pain we have for each and every one of us. Being pregnant isn’t only physically painful and uncomfortable but for me was very hard emotionally. Being and expecting mother at 17 is hard enough, but when you are always dealing with rumors, usually feeling lonely because your friends just aren’t there for you anymore, and the hardest part was always feeling judged by so many people. I You never fully understand the struggles and heartache of someone until you walk in there shoes. Christ was able to walk in my shoes and feel all that I had to feel, and I found out how judgmental people can be. I still had to attend half a year of high school until I could graduate. I never would have understand how hard it is to stand out that much in a way that is not so great. During that half a year of school I had to give up my drill team, which was my whole life at the time. I decided to step down off the team because I knew I didn’t deserve to stay on because I had broken a rule on a contract I signed with the team. As soon as I was off the team I had no social life. I had to walk down the halls each day looking like i had a basketball for a stomach. The worst part of it was since I was doing this alone I had many rumors and misconceptions about what was going on with me. Everyday I had someone tell me a new rumor about me that was nothing near the truth. This was something that was very hard on me, but I never let myself feel bad for myself because I knew Christ had suffered these same pains. He knew what it was like to be talked about, abandoned, and judged. I always knew that He would never speak harshly of me, he would always be by my side when I was at my lowest point, and he knew the thoughts of my heart and was never quick to judge me. He was always there to help. Because of this experience I was able to first handed learn about Christ’s atonement and why he went through it for us. I know that no matter our situations, Christ is always going to be willing and able to help us out. He does it for every single person simply because he has so much love for us. I am so thankful for the many trials and tribulations I have had to face so I can have a better understanding of the atonement, and why Christ suffered for our pains and sins. I know Christ has a love for me and for everyone so he was able to suffer and atone for our sins. I am so thankful for Christ’s sacrifices for me and for everything he did and still continues to do for me.

Chapter 18-Being a single teen mom in a very LDS community

Being that I am LDS (Mormon) and living in Utah being a single teenage mom is a little bit harder. One of the worst sins you can commit is sex before marriage, being that this is something I did I was judged pretty harshly by those in my  community. I understand why I was. It only makes it worst that Nixxons father is not someone I claim, and he claims he is a virgin. Most people assumes I don't really know who it is, because I "slept with so many guys" ( which I did not I have only ever slept with Joe), or that I am trying to protect him so I dont name him. Well they are wrong. I know exactly who it is, I know exactly when I became pregnant, I am simply protecting her from a household that does not share the same values as what I want in my household. Also if her dad is legally involved in here life it makes it extremely hard for me to be sealed in the temple to her after I am married to a guy who actually wants to be her dad. If I could not be sealed to her it would absolutely break my heart because this is something I really have a testimony of.
Something else I really have a testimony of is that the Lord sends us trials to make us better people, and to humble us. Even though I was making wrong choices and was starting to head down a wrong path, becoming pregnant really changed my life for the better. My mom noticed theses changes that I was making and prayed that something would change me. It was kind of a backwards alma the younger thing (Mosiah 27, 28:1–9 and Alma 36:11–24.) Who knew pregnancy probably saved my life.
Around my junior year I was extremely depressed. I had a cutting, self harm and a small eating disorder problem few to none knew about. I would carve the words such as whore, slut, worthless, etc into my hips. If I was upset I could go with out eating for a day or two which got my down to 78 pounds at one time. But after finding out I was pregnant my life immediately changed I knew I had to be healthy to carry a baby full term and I could not let depression get the best of me.
I actually was asked in my branch to give a talk on Christ and the Atonement and I have the feeling I need to post it. It really is my testimony of how Christ helped me through one of my most difficult times of my life. As soon as Nixxon wakes up from her nap I will go get it and post it.

Chapter 17- Does this look a little creepy to anyone else?

After having Joe harass me the week if my birthday I thought for sure I would have had a paternity test by now. The week of my birthday he sent me the following messages , one every day " hey don't worry if you get this I don't wanna argue and I don't wanna talk about a test or anything like that I just wanna know how you are doing".    " haha crayzest dream about you ever :p" .     " happy birthday tomorrow! What do you want for your birthday? :) lol" .    "Happy birthday and valuntines day :D" crazy how he acts so nice now just to get me to text him back. Too bad it's NEVER going to happen.

Chapter 16- Another Paternity Test? Uh No

Between yesterday and this morning I am constantly breaking down. Joe has done it again. But I am afraid this is the end of the games and its getting real. My bishop asked me to come talk to him yesterday. I had a hunch it was about Joe and wanting to serve a church mission. I just didn't know what was going to happen when I went in to his office.
I went in there and my bishop sat across from me and explained to me how joe has requested to serve a church mission but it is a rule that a missionary CAN NOT have fathered a child. So then he told me that Joe had already agreed to a paternity test because " there is no way that he could be her father". I said that I would not agree to that. And my bishop told me that they would see if he would sign away his rights as a parent then do the test. I said that would be great. Later I found out we can't really do that so now the church is trying to decide how to handle this situation. I don't think they realise that proving that Joe is her dad is only going to put her into danger. I am sick of this. Why can't Joe just leave us alone.

Chapter 15- my response he will never see

So this morning Nix and I were rudely awoken by 2 texts from Joe. The first one made me die. It simply said Hi There :). Then a few minutes later I get one saying something about how he doesn't want to argue or talk about getting a paternity test he just wanted to know how I was doing. Since when has he cared how I was doing? He hasn't cared for years. So since I never do and never will respond to his texts this is the response I wish I could send but thinks its best to still not contact him.
... Alright so you care to know how I am doing suddenly after a whole pregnancy, child labor and being a single parent to your baby for almost a year?. As a matter of fact I am great! Never been better. I never realised what a scum bag you were until you left. I don't know what it is you want from me bud but you are not going to get it. I owe you nothing. You completely abandoned me when I needed you most and never once have been there for your daughter. But really it's okay we are 100% better off with out you. You put me through hell and back the whole time we dated and at the time I never seen how minipulative and greedy you were until the day you yelled at me in the gym calling me "easy". I am sure not perfect but I am far from easy. Now if you want part of me or your daughters life eh well you missed your chances I gave you. For the longest time I had hoped you would realise what a piece of crap you had acted like and some how fix it. But now I see I deserve better than you. I could not take you back. And one day when Nix is old enough I will give her the option to meet you but I hope she sees the real you and does not want to meet the man who used her mom but when he got what he wanted, but when reality hit he wasn't man enough to be her dad. One day she will have a dad one who loves her because he just does and doesn't have to. Some one who is more of a man than you could ever hope of being. But to answer your question I'm fine great fantastic  and so is your baby. You have no need to change that. Please stop texting me because each time you get a little more pathetic and honestly creepy. After 14 texts of no reply rake the hint before I get a restraining order, you know like the one you threaded me with after sending you 2 texts. Be a man and move on because the two girls who would have been best for you you let us go because we have let you go and will never regret it.

Chapter 14-Does he deserve to know his daughter?

So last night Joe had the guts to text me. I mean honestly its been 19 months almost since we have talked. You would think if I haven't responded to any texts by now that I'm not going to start. The first text said "hey" then the next one said "sorry is this myranda". If he wants to talk he better be a man and come to my door. I'm not doing any communication with him over a text message. My mind had been thinking about it all day long. Every time he texts me my mind starts to reflect on the good times we use to have and how nice it would be a real family. But then I remember how I found out that right after I told him I was pregnant he was telling his ex-girlfriend how he loved her and that I was going to blame him for it. Also was taking a younger girl out parking, and starting something with another girl. Also how I was never happy around him. He always seemed to make me feel like I was so worthless, and no one would ever want me except him. I don't think I could ever trust him again.
How can you trust someone who completely abandoned you at a time you needed them the most. I needed him the day I quit my dance team, the day I gave my team a good bye speech and danced my last dance. He was not there when I had extreme morning sickness and sat over my toilet and just cried. He wasn't there when I started to show and was being made fun of at school. He wasn't there for me ever. I deserved it all but didn't he also? He got me pregnant it's just as much his fault as it was mine. But worst of all he abandoned a sweet innocent baby for no good reason, my baby girl never did anything to him to deserve what he did to her.   He wasn't there to hear his child's first heartbeat, find out the gender or there for het birth. He wasn't there when I named her, when I brought her home. He wasn't there when she first rolled over, when she sat up, when she crawled and now he isn't here when she runs over to give me a love. He does not deserve her. He never will. He could have been here but decided his good name was more important than stepping up to the plate and raising his child. My daughter deserves a dad now who isn't her biological dad, but one who loves her as his own, one who takes the time to help her learn, one who will provide for her, one who will step up to the plate the first time.
So now I wonder if the chance ever came up, does he deserve to know his daughter, or has he missed his chance? As for now I think he missed his chance. 19 months is a long time to drive 2 blocks away from his new girlfriends house and meet his daughter, but he hasn't. I think now Nixxon and I will be fine with out him and wait for a real dad to come along. <3

Chapter 13- let's just start a little drama now?

So a few weeks ago we had a little "Tiff" with Joes mom. We had gone to my little sisters volleyball game. We knew joes family would be there so we left Nix with my grandma. After the game we started to leave and I seen joes mom, Ann, start walking towards me so I turned the other way and under my breath said "oh shoot". She then walked to my mom and tapped her shoulder, my mom thought it was me and ignored it so she tapped her again so my mom turned around and see Ann to her dismay.here is how it went down
Ann: so I hear you want to kick me!
My mom: Kick you?
A: ya someone told me that you want to kick me, so here I am here is your chance ( as she is waving her arms around)
Me: uh we were talking about hair extensions actually
M: uh, no we were talking about hair extensions, did you want some?
A: well no
M: k them bug off( and turns back around to tell my sisters we are going now)
Ann then grabs my moms arm and flips her back around.
A: we need to resolve this once and for all
M: resolve what?
A: the baby
Then my sister hops between them and yells stop she is ours not yours!
Ann then grabs my sisters hand and throws it down.
My sis: Don't you ever touch me again!
We then all start heading to the door to leave as Ann is chasing behind us screaming
Then Ann goes off about my due date being off by a month so a must be lying. My conception date was July 4 And my due date was march 26 and if you count 9 months on your fingers then it doesn't come up a month short but put it in online and at a doctors office and its exact. So I told her that then she goes off about how hard it is for joe to come home every weekend from school because everyone always asks about the baby and the church won't let him go on a mission and won't let him do anything because they don't trust him. So I got up close to her face And aid " don't you dare tell me he can't do anything in the church because he got to graduate from seminary and I did not get to because of your son so don't even start with that."
A: well uh everyone keeps saying you keep saying that he(which she keeps referring to Nixxon as a boy) looks just like joe, how would you know what joe looked like as a baby he was a toe head!
Me: it's not what he looked like as a baby it's what he looks like now.
Then goes off about its so hard and if Nixxon is joes then she wants to get to know her and have joe involved.
I got in her face and told her that she missed that boat. She had 18 Months to get involved and that I was going to find Nixxon a real father not one who runs away when it gets rough
She was nooooot happy about that, so then she started talking to my dad and my mom kept trying to talk but Ann kept putting her hand in my moms face and saying this doesn't concern you.
By this point I am LIVID ! First of all she is screaming at my family in a very public place second it is freezing out side third she is yelling at my parents so I got back in her face and told her "don't you dare talk to my parents that way, I am Nixxons mother not them, if you want something you go through me! She was upset and just walked off.
Since then I have been on lock down with Nixxon. No Facebook no Instagram, it's so hard hiding this beautiful little girl from the world. I know I am doing it for the right reasons but its still so hard.