Time for change

Guys, it has been so long! I just haven’t had anything super exciting to write about but I have been wanting to write more. 

I currently do not have a computer so typing posts is more difficult since it is just from my phone. My thumbs seem to get a little tired. Maybe one day we will decide to invest in a computer again, and I can post more!

Since my journey of being a single and teen mom is over, I feel like it is time for a new blog page. It is kinda odd to write about my family with a title of single teen mom above it. Maybe start talking about my thoughts on topics? I need a hobby and I am not a crafty person so I’ll give this a shot. Maybe no body cares what I have to say about anything, but if you do care comment and tell me what you would care to read about!

The after

After going through something that was pretty traumatic,  I wanted to talk to everyone about it especially my mom. We did not feel like it was best to tell anyone though until 12 weeks just in case. It was so hard to keep that experience to myself.
I bleed for the next day pretty well. I took it super easy because I was terrified of losing the pregnancy. I had a bad feeling about everything though.
The Wednesday following my appointment we decided to go out as a family. We went to the nickel arcade. We played around for a while. It was nice to have fun and not stress about the pregnancy. After playing and getting the girls prizes we went home and made some dinner before Paisley had to go back to her mom's.
I was pretty queasy eating dinner  time and had a hard time eating. I almost just craved vinegar. We ate tacos that night my taco was basically hamburger, banana peppers and hot sauce. My queasiness got a little worse this time though. I couldn't decide if I was still cramping or if I just had some bad gas pains. I looked and Landon and told him I needed to go lay down. I got to the couch and hoped it would help. It slowly just got worse. I thought maybe a nice shower might help.
I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. As soon as I sat down my world seemed to start crashing down on top of me. I felt a gush and looked down. I basically was peeing blood. More than I had bleed the last few days. All I could do was yell for Landon.
He came running in and seen what was going on. He just held me. He also told me that I needed to try to calm down. I felt like that was impossible to do at this moment. He told me I needed to calm down in case I wasn't actually having a miscarriage. Holding on the the small amount of hope that this was a freak thing and not the end of my pregnancy was the only reason I could slightly calm down. There was nothing I could do to change it and being so upset could only make it so much worse.  Landon took care of me the rest of the night. Unfortunately he had to work the next morning, as did I. When I woke up I was still bleeding a little bit. Landon asked me to call my boss and take the next 2 days off and let my body rest until we knew what was going on for sure.
My shift starts at 615 am so I had to call my boss and wake him up. I explained what  was going on. He asked me to go into work until my replacement could get there. I got Nixxon up and we pretty much went in our pjs. I had no desire to get ready I was at a complete loss. 
As soon as I clocked in my replacement walked in. I was so glad because I just wanted to be home. We went home and went back to bed.
I called my doctor as soon as they opened. They got me an appointment to have my blood drown and to check my levels. This was an appointment I really wanted Landon at but he was at work. Nixxon had to be my little rock just to have my blood drawn.
Until I knew for sure I was hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I was never planning on this pregnancy I was on birth control. I was absolutely not prepared mentally, physically, financially to be pregnant or bring a baby into the world. This baby was not supposed to be conceived then statistically shouldn't have survived after what it went through with the iud removal. I got a phone call from the doctors office a while later telling me that my levels were still growing. My little miracle baby was doing okay and was going to be Okay.
I prayed so hard to my Heavenly Father to not let me loose my baby and I sure prayed after thanking him for giving me the chance to continue to grow this little human. Landon and I were so ready to have this little one now.

First Prenatal Appointment

The next day after telling Landon that I was pregnant I was calling to schedule a doctor's appointment because having an Iud and being pregnant is risky. We were not planning on a baby yet at all, but we were so excited! We had only known for a day but we were already so attached to this little squish growing inside me. We were also so terrified. I was so anxious to get into a doctor and make sure everything was okay so far and to get the iud out of me.

I was so in love with my ob that took care of me with Nixxon. The bad part about him is that I had just been told that he was moving in a few months so like halfway through my pregnancy I would have to switch doctors. I knew I needed to get in soon and I trusted him with how delicate of a situation in was in. I called to schedule an appointment and they informed me that he was completely booked out for a few weeks. When I told them my situation they were kinda like I don't know what to tell you. I ended up scheduling an appointment for a few weeks out but once I told Landon when I was  I had a bad feeling about waiting that long, so did he. He suggested that we call the doctor that delivered his daughter. I figured if they could get me in sooner than we should try.
He called them and explained everything. They were able to get me in within a few days. They acted concerned for me and fit me into their schedule. They said that they couldn't fit me in with the doctor but could with her assistant who could remove the iud. I was fine with that.

Waiting those few days was miserable. I just wanted to know if my baby was okay. Once the day finally came I was so ready and terrified at the same time.

Once I got there they got me set up for an ultra sound. They brought in some scary looking instruments to use too.
I was absolutely terrified of what was going to happen. They got the ultra sound going and we could see the tiny little baby. There was a fetal pole too! Baby was good, so far but unfortunately they iud was very close to the baby. They had me about 4.5 weeks along. And the measurements were perfect.
Then it came time for the iud removal. I remembered getting that sucker in and it hurt so bad so I could only imagine getting it out.

Before the nurse practitioner( I think is her title) started the removal she explained that there was a very good chance I would loose this pregnancy because they were messing around so close to the baby. She told me that I had to have it out though, or I would loose the pregnancy for sure. They asked me if I was ready to start so we did.

She put her medical instruments in me and started to tug a little on the iud strings. We could see everything still from the ultra sound. Every time she tugged on the strings my whole uterus pulled with it. She looked at me and told me that it was worse than just a pregnancy with and iud, the iud had implanted.  When she would pinch the strings to start pulling she said she xpuld feel her pinching tissue. ZShe asked me what kind of iud I had and when I told her it was the skyla she told me this was the 2nd pregnancy she had seen on it.
She told me she would keep working on getting it out. She kept pulling and pulling. It was pretty uncomfortable. I ended up starting to cry mostly because I was not ready to watch the screen and watch me loose my baby. It would be one thing to loose the baby, but having to see the baby get pulled too hard the wrong way and just be gone would be traumatizing for Landon and I. I mostly kept my eyes on Landon. He just kept looking down at me and I could tell he was just as scared as I was. He kept rubbing my head and holding my hand. At one point he was pretty emotional and mouthed "I love you so much". He was definitely my rock at that point. I couldn't have handled the stress of it all without  him by my side.

After pulling on the strings for about 15 minutes they bottom part of the iud broke so she had no strings to pull on any more. She had to pull directly on the iud. Which was great since she was already getting tissue with it.

She kept telling me that if the pain got too bad that we could get it surgically removed. I wanted to avoid that option since it probably would be more of a risk.  I told her just to keep trying until she felt like there was no hope.  She ended up pulling and tugging on that iud and my tender uterus for close to a half hour. That half hour felt like forever.

Suddenly I heard her say " There we go!" I really didn't feel anything. Which was a relief. Next we needed to check the baby out again to see if pulling on it effected the baby. As the ultrasound tech looked at the measurements and they baby we got great news! There was still a baby! I was elated to hear and see that. She did notice the measurements were a little smaller now then they were before. She told us it could be nothing but we may have torn the sac so we would just have a wait and see. They explained that I was going to bleed for a day or two but if it got bad that I was probably having a miscarriage but nothing could be done for it. She told me I now had like a 50% more chance of loosing the pregnancy.
I walked out of their so relived that up to that points everything was okay.  I was just so nervous for the next few days. I prayed and prayed that  the baby would be fine.

Joining the Army

Things had been super quiet from Joe since I had told him that he needed to leave me alone. About a month after my wedding he sent me a text. At first I didn't want to respond but decided I needed to see what he wanted. He said that he needed me to sign a paper so that he could join the army. At first I was skeptical of it all but after contacting my lawyer he said I was fine to write up a paper saying that we did have a child out of wedlock, and if anything was to happen to him while in the army that I could not claim any benefits for me or Nixxon. My lawyer said it should come back to bite me in any way. I singed it and left it for him to pick up from my parents mailbox. 

After he picked it up he sent me a text saying that he needed her birth certificate also. I was not comfortable giving that out. So I told him I wasn't sure if it was at my parents or at my house since I was still working on moving, which was true. So he didn't ask for it again. He said he was shipping out in September for training. Well its almost a year later and from what I have heard he never ended up leaving. 

One day I was on instagram and noticed I had a message from my sister in law. I never get messages on Instagram so I checked it out. Well it said I also had a message request from Joe's sister. it said " Hey Michaela I just wanted to message you and see how you and your family are doing. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and I hope you and Landon and your cute little family are doing well. I dont mean to bother you or anything." I was super caught off guard by it. I appreciate that she does still think of us but that is not a door I am ready to open. I feel like it would add too much complication and drama to my life to start a relationship with her right now. We never have really talked and letting any of them into my life is not something I really plan on until Nixxon is a lot older then it would be much more of a possibility. I know it wasn't exactly her choice but she made choices too while Nixxon was young that made me loose A LOT of respect for her just by how she talked about me and my family. I do not exactly blame her for being on her brothers side but the things she said were not necessary. 

I never ended up responding simply because I am not ready for that communication yet. I probably won't be for a while. 

Learning not to settle in when it gets peaceful

Things between Joe and me seemed calm for a while. I figured he was going to stay away from Nixxon and me for a while since deciding to completely step out of the picture.  My life had found a calm I had not had for almost three years.  I had Nixxon who was healthy, energetic, and a joy to be around. I had a wonderful boyfriend who helped show me more happiness than I have had in such a long time.

Not too long after everything with Joe I got a message from Joe’s brother- in- law {C}.

{C} Thank you for unblocking me.. {L} and i would love it if ever wanted our kids to meet eachother.. i know you don't have to or anything like that.. we see you around town and think about coming up to talk with you in person but we dont want to make you uncomfortable or anything like that..i have went through the same type of thing you are going through only i was the child if you ever want to talk i would be here to talk to you about anything..thanks for your time. {M} I appreciate the fact that you guys would like to meet Nixxon, but I feel like after everything that has happened that has happened that Nixxon and I need to just move on with our lives. I feel like it would do more harm than good to Nixxon if she was to have a relationship with you guys and not joe. This is what I feel is best for Nixxon and I have to do is best for her as her mom. {C}I see your concern...i dont agree with the way joe handled anything. I tried giving him advice and obviously he didn't listen to anything i have said .... {L} would really love a chance to at least talk with you about it and maybe we could just tell our kids they are just friends, then later if you decide its going good you could say they are cousins. ... it would be nice for us to prove to you how sorry we are for everything and we would never cause harm....i know you have thought it through already but please think more about it thank you for talking with me {M} Im sorry but thIs is something I have thought about long before court even happened but I feel it is best if all ties are cut. It is not because I have bad feeling towards any of you but I feel like Nixxon shouldn't really know them until she is a lot older and understands everything that has happened. {C}Is there anything we could do to change that? {M} No I think this is what is best for Nixxon. {C} K thank you if you change you mind we will be there for you

I got a lot of backlash from relatives and others about this. What they didn't understand is that I wasn't going to let them meet just because I was mad at the family or because I don’t want Nixxon to know her “cousins”. I felt this was in Nixxons best interest. I did not want to lie to her and call them “friends” for a while because I do not plan on lying to Nixxon about anything that has happened. I strongly felt like closing the door between us and Joe’s family was the best thing. It would be hard for Nixxon to one day realize that her “dad” had been a great uncle to her cousins but had only met her once, and willingly walked away again.  That would bother me if I was in her shoes. I felt like cutting all ties was going to give all of us more closure.

I had been upset with Joe’s family for a long time, until I realized that all they were doing was standing up for their son, brother, cousin, friend. Just like my family and friends had done. Joe’s family did not deserve me to be upset with them. Joe was the one who lied to them. Joe was the one at fault.

I really did appreciate the fact that once that they did know the truth that they did want to meet Nixxon and have a relationship with her. I probably would want the same thing in their shoes. I just really felt like we all just needed to accept what had happened and move on.

I had no doubt that one day Nixxon would have a real dad. She would have a real family on her dad’s side. I don’t feel like I was holding her back from a family. I knew she was going to have a family one day who accepted her as their own even though she wasn't.

I really do feel bad for Joe’s family. They didn't necessarily choose to deny Nixxon for two years knowingly. Joe made that choice and it didn't just affect him, me, and Nixxon but it affected his whole family. I understand they tried to talk him out of his choice but I had to do what was best for my daughter and I.  It was not really an easy choice to make because I did feel bad but I knew what was best for our future.

It bothered though that Joe’s sister and brother in law were contacting me every once in a while so I decided I needed to text Joe and ask him to talk to his family. It was annoying to just get into a good place then be bothered by them. I just wanted to be done with it all.  When I messaged Joe about everything he said he had no idea and most of his family had felt we needed to all keep our distance a little. Joe said that he would talk to them and apologized for them.

My mom was talking to one of their families close friend and it turns out {C} and {L} have been pushed out of the family a little bit. Instead of moving on they decided to push the issue and Joe’s family was not okay with that. I guess they only really talk now is because of the grand kids. It is nice to know everyone else feels the same that it is time to move on and forward with our lives and to stop dwelling on the past.

Surprise Choice

Sometimes things happen that you know are going to happen but they still totally surprise you when they do. In a way you hope they are going to happen but don’t want them to at the same time. Joe reminded me of this so many times but mostly he did on July 20, 2014.

    Once again Joe decided to text me. I wasn’t sure how to handle Joe texting me so frequently and being with Landon. Landon was understanding about it but I really felt like we only need to be talking when it was about Nixxon or him coming to visit. I really did not like all of the extra conversations we were having but I wasn’t sure how to tell him with out making him mad since he could appeal his choice to terminate for a few more weeks. So I rolled with it for a while.

    One sunday morning as I was getting ready to jump into the shower Joe text me and asked if I was going to church. I had gotten up way too late to make it to church so I got Nixxon ready and sent her with my parents.

{j} Oh, after you shower would you want to go for a walk?

{m} No. I really think when we see each other it just needs to be our schedule we set up.

{j} Okay.

{m} She is the only reason we need to talk.

{j} Okay im sorry

{m} I don’t mind talking about Nixxon with you in  fact to  a point its nice to talk to you about her but she is the only thing tying us together at all.

{j} I know I understand that. [M] can I be honest with you

{m} go for it.

{j} I don’t feel comfortable with this situation and to be honest i'm worried that its going going to be more harmful to nixxon then helpful

{m} So you don’t want to be  involved?

{j} I didnt say that. But [M] the guardian ad litem,my bishop, my grandpa, my lawyer all gave me some advice. [M] i love Nixxon i truly do and all i want is what's best for her. but to be honest i dont feel that what we have done is what's best for her.

{m} So now you are going to appeal?

    This thought scared me. I was ready to turn the water on to shower but i was so scared that all  I could do was sit, curl up in a  ball and cry.  Luckily my whole family was at church so I could scream all that I needed to. I was so mad at him for  playing games with me  but  I was even more upset at myself. I knew I should have waited the few weeks to let him meet her because he could easily take us back to court and he had a chance of winning  since our guardian ad litem was so on his side. I sat there for a good 5 minutes just crying. Praying. Pleading with my Heavenly Father to make this not happen. Soon my phone went off again.

{j} No. Im not going to appeal but [M] I don't think I should see Nixxon or you anymore.

    God answered that prayer fast. Joe had  me so convinced he was going to appeal . I was so glad to hear that he wasn’t. I was a little relieved to see that he was choosing to not come around anymore. It would make mine and Nixxons life so much easier to move on.

{m} Thats just fine That is your choice. I respect that. But later like way later if she wants to meet you can I contact you? I mean when she is like 12 or older or do you want  this to be final?

{j} No of course she can meet me. whenever she wants to I will always always be there for her. I just do not feel that it is healthy for her and I get to know each other every once in a while when works for her.  I do not feel that it is a healthy way for Nixxon to get to know her father and I have a feeling it would lead to more harsh feelings that it would for us to wait till  she is a little older to understands the situation a little better. And when she is ready and has questions ill be ready with open loving arms and answers.

{m}Okay I have to say I agree with this choice. Thank you for doing what is best for her. One day she is going to thank you.

{j} I hope so. Can I ask one thing though

{m} yep

{j} Would you be okay with sending me a picture of her every year on her birthday. thats all i want is to at least see her grow.

{m} Im sure I can do that.

{j} Thank you [M] I want you to know I still have money saved for her and when she is ready and old enough she wont have to worry about paying for college or a mission if she chooses ill pay for both for her.

{m} thank you, I will let her know about that when the time comes.

{j} Same for you. I dont have much but i work hard for what i have and ill always be here if you ever need anything. Even just someone to talk to.

{m} thank you. Don’t worry I will keep taking good care of her she is my life.

{j} SHe is mine too I hope you understand im going to stay away from home but that doesnt mean i want to be away from you two i will always be here.

{m} I understand completely. Don’t worry about me I have lots of people who take care of  me and Nixx. Is there anything else you need to know about us or anything?

{j} No, just please let me know if you two move or change your number or anything.

{m}Same to you

{j} I will. Para siempre dios este con vos [M]. Bye.

    I was kinda shocked. It had only been about a week since he had met Nixxon and now he was backing out again. I could see why he was doing what he did, but at the same time Nixxon had met him and she liked him. Now he was gone, he walked away again. As a mother I couldn’t understand how you meet your child, and all you have to do is show up for two hours every other weekend and he couldn’t even do that. I was glad to see him choose to leave us alone but for Nixxon’s sake I was upset. She will one day learn that her “dad” met her and still didn’t stick around.

    As upset as I am about him doing this I know its best. I know one day I am going to get married and my husband is going to be her father. She is going to love him  just as much if not more because he is going to take her on as his own and he doesn’t have to. He will because he loves her. She won’t grow up a little confused about having just a part  time dad and a real dad. It is best for her. I know his decision was not easy to make. Well I sure hope it was for him. I still am amazed for his choice but it has been a huge blessing for our life, and will continue to be for years to come.

The real meeting

Before I knew it I was inviting Joe back into my house. I was trying so hard to act and look confident. After all I had just won our court case and I had what I wanted but I still was nervous to meet with Joe. I walked him back onto my porch to talk. I knew it would be a spot that we could openly talk and get everything out without feeling like my family was listening in. We both had things to say and things that probably were still a little tender to talk about and needed time to heal.

We sat down and it was a little awkward. A few days ago we were in a court room and now we were here trying to put everything in the past. I wish I could more clearly remember things from talking to him, but my mind was running at 400 MPH. I remember specific little things about the way he behaved about certain things and little things that were said so I apologize for pretty much a summary of what happened.

I remember Joe telling me how sorry he was that we both had to spend so much money on something we could have solved in a more civil way. I told him that I was now fine and was working on getting over it. I had sole custody of Nixxon and I would do whatever it took to get it and keep it. He then asked if he could ask me about what plans I had for Nixxon. I was fine with that. I am sure he wondered how I planned on handling situations that came up with her. I was glad to hear that he was worried about her.

He asked what plans I had for her and school. I can't say that I was expecting that one. She is only two and I can't say I have worried too much about schooling yet. I told him that I was looking at different pre-schools around my area. He asked about a college fund and I had one set up for a few months that I can put money in every once in a while to help pay for college. He told me how he has a bank account for her also and he will give it to her when she is old enough if it was alright with me. I really didn't have a problem with it. College is crazy expensive so any help is amazing. I just hope that he sticks with it and gives her it. He went off about how important school needs to be for her and it needs to be my priority for her. I agreed but at the same time she is two. She is a very intelligent kid. She amazes me every day. I told him how she would be starting dance classes in a few months though since she is not old enough for preschool just yet. He got really weird about it and said that he has seen shows about dance moms and stuff and as fun as those things are they should never come before school, he continued on this rant for a few minutes. I couldn't help but laugh in my head. He was acting like I had pulled Nixxon out of school to do dance classes everyday when she isn't old enough for preschool yet. I will always push the importance of school with her but she also needs extra curricular activities too.

He asked about what milestones she was at. I told him that she knew her ABC's and we were learning numbers. She loved the color purple and yellow. I said that she was finally starting to talk and it was fun.

Then he started talking about how he was going to be the dad who was going to be super protective of her because she was already beautiful and he needed to keep boys away from her. I laughed and said that she already had a boyfriend. A cute family friend of ours has a boy around her age and she “calls” him everyday and has conversations with him and its hilarious. He thought it was funny and told me that I wasn't aloud to have her date until she was 26 and I said that was fine with me.

He talked to me about his concern with me bringing guys around her a lot. I told him that I was pretty particular about who was brought around her. I had really only had 2 guys around her. When guys usually came to pick me up for a date Nixxon was there to tell me good bye but as far as her actually being around us I was careful because I didn't want to confuse her. I then asked him if he knew that I did have a boyfriend. His body language changed and he obviously had no idea from the look on his face. I explained that Landon also had a daughter and was really good about how he treated her. We talked about Landon a little more and how he was in the corrections academy.

We then started to talk about school and what each other was doing with it. I told him how I was going I was just taking a few classes at a time so I could still work and be a mom. He told me how he was going to be on a college track team this fall and wasn't sure what he was studying. But after I had mentioned how I wanted to be a police officer but didn't think I could do it after seeing what Landon had went through, Joe suddenly said he was kind of thinking about going through the academy too. I didn't really believe that too much.

Then he asked about her being adopted and having her sealed to me . I was honest with him that a big reason I wanted him to terminate his rights was so she could be sealed to me because she couldn't be sealed to both of us so I needed to do whatever it took to give her an eternal family. I explained about how I had a dream of having her sealed to me in the temple one night after praying about it and knew I had to do my best to make it happen and I knew also if he would do everything he was meant to do and treat Nixxon well somehow it would work out in the end for him.

As the conversations started to die off a little and there was more awkward silence I got brave and told him that I had made him a promise almost 6 months ago. I promised if he would willingly terminate his parental rights I would let him be involved with her on my terms, and I was keeping my word. I could tell he wasn't expecting it. I asked if that was something he would want to work on.

He put his head down and had to think for a minute. I told him I completely understood if he didn't want to. He said it wasn't a matter of want it was just if he felt it was best for her or not. He was afraid of her being afraid of him and what she would think of him. I told him he could think about it, we would just introduce him as Joe and not dad or anything like that. I said that she was down stairs and I would go get her if he wanted. It took him a minute and in the middle of a sentence he suddenly started to shake his head yes. I asked if he wanted me to get her and he said yes. I got up and walked down the stairs to grab my daughter so she could finally meet her biological father. My parents were a little shocked when I asked where she was. They said she was in the middle of pooping her diaper but they would bring her up after they changed her.

I walked back up the stairs and Joe was nervous. He was shaking his legs and his breathing was heavy. He looked at me funny as I came back with no Nixxon. I explained she was doing her business for a minute but she would be right there in a minute. I then looked him in the eye and said “Are you sure? If you do this I do not want you to back out on her again. I want you to stay committed to her.”

He said he would stay involved now. He wasn't sure how much he could be since he was moving but he would try as much as he could.

After that my mom was standing at the back door with Nixxon. I walked over and grabbed her hand and walked her out. She knew something was going on because she immediately hugged me and wouldn't let go. I pried her off of me and looked her in the eye and told her how I had a new friend for her to meet and his name was Joe. She looked at him then hugged me again hiding from him. I told her that I was not going to leave her and that he was okay to go talk to.

I walked her a little closer to Joe and introduced the two. Joe started to say hello to her and stopped when he started to say Nixxon but he couldn't spit her name out. He called her sweetie instead. He kept telling her how pretty she was. He started to pick out the features that she had gotten from him and the ones he had gotten from me. He was excited to finally meet his daughter.

I then asked him if he would like to give her the gifts that he had brought. I never gave them to her, I just kept them all together until I knew what to do with them. He said that he would love to give them to her. I took them both over to my garage and started to pull the bike, and bags of gifts, not to mention the pounds and pounds of candy. I told him I didn't think I should let her have the candy because it had sat by out spider sprays and had been in the heat so I didn't want hear eating it and he was fine with that.

I let him give her the gifts so she would come out of her shell a little and he could see the real Nixxon. It didn't take long at all. She loved it all. There was some silly string from Easter in one of the bags. They had a blast spraying me with it. She kept asking him to help her spray me. She was having fun and that was all that mattered. I let him get the toys out of the package and show her how they worked. They were instant best friends after that. The both had a little bond to each other. It was a bittersweet thing for me. I watched them interact together. Something kept telling me to take a picture of them. So I the creep that I am snuck one of them.

Joe also asked if he could give me his lucky peso from Mexico to give her when she was older. I said that was fine.

It was also bittersweet as we all played with the toys together. This was the first time all 3 of us had been together ever. It almost felt like a family. Before I let my emotions run wild with that thought Landon sent me a text just checking on me. He was my rock and reminded me that I had a great guy who was waiting for me and we both cared about each other a lot.

We all played for almost 2 hours. Joe decided it was time for him to take off. We talked about a schedule of when he could come visit Nixxon. I felt that every other weekend was good for about 2 hours. He said he would make sure to try and clear his schedule. He went to tell Nixxon good bye and gave her a hug goodbye. We walked him to his truck and waved to him as he drove away.

Having him there was hard. I wanted the past to be in the past though and to find peace with everything and I knew I had to give a little after he just gave so much. I hoped this would work out and not be a dramatic thing every time and I wanted Nixxon to enjoy it also.

Not long after he left Landon was asking me how it was. I didn't want to tell him that it was hard for me to see them get along so well and talk to him about how I was feeling because I didn't want him to feel like I still had a lot of feeling for Joe or anything. Landon was absolutely amazing about this situation. He could tell that I was holding back about it and told me that he was my other half now and I was okay to tell him how I felt. This moment when I read that text from him is a moment that I realized that I could trust him and talk to him about anything because of the way he talked about my feelings with me.

Not too long after that I got a text from Joe again.

{J} Thank you {M}

{M} Just dont hurt her.

{J} Shes an angel {M} Ill never hurt her.

{M} I hope we can stay on good terms

{J} Ill do whatever it takes. P.s. That peso is a ten piece peso. Its is the only one I had from my mission and ive literally had it with me everyday since I got home :p it kinda seems dumb but please make sure she keeps it. It has a lot of meaning to me.

{M} You gave me what I needed to move on and get real closure. I was true to what I said. Ill keep your peso safe for her. Don't worry I figured it was important.

{J}Thanks lol sorry I know its dumb but I promise {m} im going to do whatever it takes to make you and Nixxon happy.

{M} dont worry about me. Im happy. Ive never ever been so happy as I have in the last month. Just treat her the best you can and that is all you need to do.

{J}I will :) I do feel like I should just stay Joe for a while to her if that is okay with you.

{M}I think that is what is best for her.

{J} I agree but im about to hit the road so I will text you later.

{M} hey would you tell your family thank you for the gifts. She is enjoying them. Also thank you for them too.

{J} I just want to be there to tickle her tickle her right now and hear her laugh and voice and everything just melts my heart.

{M}She makes being a mom worth it for sure.

{J} She takes after you a lot.

{M} I wish. I see a lot of you in her.

{J} haha no I see a lot of you :) she totally has your cheeks, mouth, chin, squeal, laugh(thank goodness) and when she gets excited you both do the exact same thing :)

{M} We both do what?

{J} Haha you both get real excited shrug your shoulders out your hands up by your mouth get a big smile and get really gitty and squeal :) its really cute.

{M} I guess I never noticed, im sure she has watched me a lot.

He fell asleep after that. But for a few days we talked more. It was kind of nice to talk to my daughters biological father about her. It is something I never could talk to someone about in the same way. I could ask if he did certain things that Nixxon did and see more of how she is who she is.

Here is the picture I took of them the day they met.